Wikipedia:Peer review/Joey Hamilton/archive1

===Joey Hamilton===


 * A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for July 2009.
 * A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for July 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because, recently I got it up to GA-status and would like to know what I'd have to do to make it FA quality. Thanks, Giants27  ( c  |  s ) 17:47, 5 July 2009 (UTC) :Note: Because of its length, this peer review is not transcluded. It is still open and located at Peer review/Joey Hamilton/archive1. Brianboulton comments:


 * The article, as it stands, doesn't make much sense to those without knowledge of baseball. This is a problem with nearly all specialist sports articles, but Wikipedia is a general encyclopedia and there is a requirement to avoid using "jargon" (words or phrases only comprehensible to those that know the sport). In this article the following words/phrases need to be explained for a more general readership:-
 * "he went 1-3 with a 7.43 ERA after five starts." (There are other formulations of this kind; once the first has been clarified, the rest can stand)
 * ERA linked and added words "win-loss record" following "1-3".-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 23:26, 13 July 2009 (UTC)
 * He went 2-2 (and at other times 1-0, 4-3, 3-0 etc)
 * See above.-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 23:26, 13 July 2009 (UTC)
 * "after a slight holdout." (I think I know what this means, but it comes across as slangy and non-encyclopedic).
 * Reworded to "after a short period of refusing to sign a contract".-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 23:26, 13 July 2009 (UTC)
 * "34.2 innings of work." - is this the same as "34.2 innings pitched"? What is the significance of "34.2"
 * Reworded to "and pitched 34.2 innings during his time with the team" and no real significance just a stat, can be removed without anything being lost.-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 23:26, 13 July 2009 (UTC)
 * "With the 51s..." Who are they?
 * Thought I had mentioned Las Vegas's nickname but anyways I removed the and replaced 51s with Las Vegas.-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 23:26, 13 July 2009 (UTC)
 * "As a Padre..." What is a Padre? I assume it is a sporting nickname, but this should be made clear.
 * Teamname but changed it to "With San Diego".-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 23:26, 13 July 2009 (UTC)
 * "He placed fifth..." Should this be "He was placed fifth..."?
 * Not really since its a vote but reworded to "He was fifth in the..."-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 23:26, 13 July 2009 (UTC)
 * "He gave up 189 hits..." etc (It's the "he gave up" which is puzzling)
 * Reworded whole sentence and removed the "he gave up" phrase.-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 23:26, 13 July 2009 (UTC)
 * "Hamilton was the Padres opening day starter"
 * Reworded and linked to relevant list article.-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 23:26, 13 July 2009 (UTC)
 * "He walked a career high 106 batters and struck out 147"
 * Linked both "walked" and "struck out", anything more needed?-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 23:26, 13 July 2009 (UTC)
 * "...a started 20 games and came in relief in 22 games."
 * Linked started and relief is already linked, again anything more needed?-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 23:26, 13 July 2009 (UTC)
 * "After getting rocked..."
 * Didn't know I had that in there :), reworded.-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 23:26, 13 July 2009 (UTC)


 * A few minor points
 * It needs to be "an 18-4 record" not "a 18-4 record"
 * Fixed.-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 23:26, 13 July 2009 (UTC)
 * Grammar: "Hamilton called the injury "real scary", and that he thought..." It could be "Hamilton called the injury "real scary", saying that he thought..."
 * Fixed.-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 23:26, 13 July 2009 (UTC)
 * It should be "to throw a baseball at 100 miles per hour"
 * Fixed.-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 23:26, 13 July 2009 (UTC)
 * Comma required after "Florida Marlins"
 * Added.-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 23:26, 13 July 2009 (UTC)

I hope you find this review useful. Brianboulton (talk) 22:33, 13 July 2009 (UTC)
 * A general point: There is pretty well nothing in the article about Hamilton beyond his baseball statistics and, at the very end, the reference to his drunk-driving arrest. It is not even clear if his career ended at that point; if it did, what has he done since? Did he have no life beyond baseball? Such information, however brief, would certainly enliven the article, as would the introduction of the odd image.
 * Will see what I can find, no guarantees since it's a common name.-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 23:26, 13 July 2009 (UTC)
 * Found one thing, apparently he hasn't had a public life outside of baseball.-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 23:56, 13 July 2009 (UTC)


 * Later comment: You have certainly improved the article since I saw it last. A few final points.


 * The sentence about 17-year-old Derrek Lee doesn't seem to have any context in this article. What is the significance of this information?
 * Explained significance.-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 00:03, 16 July 2009 (UTC)
 * Would it be possible to say "his win-loss ratio was..." rather than "he went..."? That would be more easily understood.
 * Changed to win-loss ratio or other wordings to avoid repeating.-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 00:03, 16 July 2009 (UTC)
 * "He was released two days later after being arrested for suspicion of driving under the influence." This is an article about a living person, so caution is necessary. I advise that, unless you are able to give very precise information about this episode, including how it was eventually resolved, you remove it from the article.
 * Can't find an outcome article online, but I personally see no need to remove it even though its a BLP since its sourced by two reliable sources.-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 00:03, 16 July 2009 (UTC)
 * Although, as you say, Hamilton may have had no public life outside baseball, he was a public figure of sorts, and articles on public figures usually have some minimal information on their private lives. Questions that come to mind: you mention his father's cancer - did he survive? Did Hamilton marry? Any information as to what he has been doing since 2005?
 * [[Image:Pictogram voting wait.svg|17px]] Doing...-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 00:03, 16 July 2009 (UTC)
 * Not done Sorry, but I can't find anything which is weird.-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 00:16, 16 July 2009 (UTC)


 * I also think it would be a good idea to have a review from someone who fully understands baseball. I am trying to set this up. Brianboulton (talk) 23:08, 15 July 2009 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: I have a few more suggestions for improvement, some of which are aimed at making the baseball terms more clear. Others are related to Manual of Style issues.

Heads
 * MOS:HEAD says in part, "Section names should preferably be unique within a page; this applies even for the names of subsections." For this reason, I would suggest finding ways to avoid repeating the word "career" in multiple heads.
 * Renamed every section with "career" but one.-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 20:30, 16 July 2009 (UTC)

Lead
 * "Hamilton spent parts of three seasons with Cincinnati before transferring around training camps and the minor leagues with four teams including the Padres and Reds." - "Transferring around" sounds a bit odd. How about "before stints in training camps and with minor league teams affiliated with the Padres and Reds"? Or something like that. Or were some of these training camps and minor league teams affiliated with major league teams other than the Padres and Reds? If so, this needs to be made more clear.
 * Reworded.-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 20:30, 16 July 2009 (UTC)
 * Wikilink Minor league baseball to assist the reader unfamiliar with the sport?
 * Linked.-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 20:30, 16 July 2009 (UTC)
 * WP:INTRO says in part, "The lead section should briefly summarize the most important points covered in an article in such a way that it can stand on its own as a concise version of the article." A good rule of thumb is to include at least a mention of each of the main text sections and not to include material in the lead that is undeveloped in the main text. The existing lead doesn't mention his college career or his post-baseball career.
 * Added info on college and post career in lead.-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 20:30, 16 July 2009 (UTC)

College career and draft
 * Even though sourced, I think the details about Hamilton's father's stomach and esophagus are a bit too much. They are not necessary for an understanding of Hamilton or his career. On the other hand, I think the sentence, "According to Hamilton's mother, Janet, Hamilton only signed the deal because his father Jack was dying of cancer and it had been his father's dream to watch his son pitch in the major leagues" is fine and provides the reader with the essential facts.
 * Removed.-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 20:30, 16 July 2009 (UTC)

1992–1998
 * "Hamilton walked 56 batters and struck out 123." - Should walked be wikilinked for readers unfamiliar with baseball?
 * Linked.-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 20:30, 16 July 2009 (UTC)
 * It could be "Hamilton called the injury "real scary", saying that he thought about possibly losing his ability to throw a baseball at 100 miles per hour (160 km/h). - Something's awry with this sentence, but I'm not sure quite what. It has one and one-half sets of quotation marks, and "it could be" is puzzling. Did he say it was "real scary" or not? Where does the first quote end, and who is being quoted?
 * Whoops, removed " before Hamilton.-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 20:30, 16 July 2009 (UTC)

1999–2003
 * "After five years with San Diego, Hamilton was traded to the Toronto Blue Jays on December 12, 1998, for Peter Tucci, Carlos Almanzar, and Woody Williams.[16][2]" - It's customary to arrange the refs in ascending order; i.e., [2][16] rather than [16][2]. Ditto for any other strings of refs in the article.
 * Fixed all three occurances.-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 20:30, 16 July 2009 (UTC)
 * "Hamilton signed with the Cincinnati Reds on August 17, 2001, and was optioned... " - Should "optioned" be explained for readers unfamiliar with baseball?
 * Linked.-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 20:30, 16 July 2009 (UTC)

2003-2005
 * The Manual of Style generally frowns on extremely short paragraphs and extremely short sections. The two usual solutions are to expand or to merge. This section consists of four extremely short paragraphs, and the next section is extremely short and has only one short paragraph. To break up this short-short-short pattern, I'd suggest merging the first and second paragraphs to make one larger paragraph and doing the same with the third and fourth paragraph. I think the flow will still be fine.
 * Merged.-- Giants27 ( c  |  s ) 20:30, 16 July 2009 (UTC)

I hope these few suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. Finetooth (talk) 19:57, 16 July 2009 (UTC)