Wikipedia:Peer review/Jordan Schroeder/archive1

Jordan Schroeder
This peer review discussion has been closed. Hoping to send this article off to become an FA sometime in the summer. I've looked over it several times now, and want some differnt perspective on the article. Particular attention to grammar and sentence structure would be nice, as they tend to be one of my weaker points.

Thanks, Kaiser matias (talk) 22:17, 30 April 2010 (UTC)


 * Changed some minor things in the lead, just to clarify, I think. Looks good.  Any thoughts about changing 'Junior and university' to 'Amateur' as there is no mention of junior hockey in there.  I've found 'Junior', 'Professional', and 'International' to be a good breakdown of the Hockey career section.  I'll go back and do a bit of a look for some of the other sections as well.  Canada Hky (talk) 01:14, 1 May 2010 (UTC)
 * I think for the time being, the section heading is best as is. I find that 'Junior' is more for minor hockey and junior leagues (CHL, junior Euro leagues, etc); NCAA leagues don't really fit in there. When the time comes, perhaps changing it to early career would be a good option, but since he is just out of that, I don't think it is rather apt right now. Kaiser matias (talk) 00:27, 12 May 2010 (UTC)
 * I think I talked around myself a bit - I guess I should have ended by focusing on 'Amateur'. As it is right now (and presumably forever), Schroeder never played in a junior league, but 'Amateur' and 'Professional' would delineate his career nicely, IMO.  Canada Hky (talk) 01:17, 12 May 2010 (UTC)
 * Thats a valid point. I've gone and made the change. Kaiser matias (talk) 22:50, 12 May 2010 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This is a good article about a very young sports figure. To an outsider to the sport, it seems comprehensive but apt to need frequent updates to keep it that way. I have a short list of suggestions for improvement, but none involves anything complicated.

Lead
 * Since the lead should summarize the whole article, I'd add something to the lead about his personal life.
 * I may be wrong on this but sports articles in general, and hockey in particular, tend to not really include much about a players personal life unless it is a rather defining aspect of the subject; that said, I included a few words, about as much as can be added without ruining the flow.


 * "American professional ice hockey right winger who currently plays for the Manitoba Moose of the American Hockey League (AHL)... ". - Delete "currently" since "plays" is present tense?
 * Done


 * "after concerns about his size led to several teams to pass on him" - Maybe "reject" would be better than the slightly slangy "pass on".
 * Not sure how familiar you are with hockey or the NHL Draft, but the term is more or less correct. Nodoby is exactly "rejecting" him, they are rather selecting lower rated players instead. That said, if I can find a better phrase that is more suitable, I'll be sure to change it.

Junior and university career
 * "In 2006, he joined the U.S. National Team Development Program, located in Ann Arbor, Michigan, where he spent two seasons. In his final season with the USNTDP... ". - I'd add USNTDP in parentheses right after "U.S. National Team Development Program".
 * Done

Professional career
 * "Schroeder joined their American Hockey League affiliate, the Manitoba Moose, where he earned a minor-league salary of $65,000 to $70,000 per year." - It's not clear whether this was in addition to the $900,000 a year the Canucks paid him. Do hockey players typically get two salaries? Maybe a brief explanation or note about the salary system would be helpful.
 * I added some information. If thats not good enough, let me know.

Personal life
 * I'd suggest moving this section up to just below the lead. This seems to be standard in hockey articles. See Martin Brodeur and Eric Brewer (ice hockey), for example. It also puts things in chronological order. If the personal life section needs eventual expansion, in 10 years let's say, the top section could be re-named "Early life", and stuff about marriage, children, and so on could go into a "Personal life" section further down in the article.
 * Good point, and done.


 * "He started to play hockey at the age of four, with his first organized team called the Lakeville Mites." - Awkward use of "with" as a connector. Suggestion: "He played hockey at the age of four for his first organized team, the Lakeville Mites."
 * Changed that sentence around.


 * "Schroeder spent two years at St. Thomas Academy in Mendota Heights, Minnesota, before graduating with high honors from Ann Arbor Pioneer High School in Ann Arbor." - I would add "Michigan" after "Ann Arbor" if you move this section up to below the lead.
 * Done


 * "Going into the 2009 NHL Entry Draft ranked fifth overall among North American skaters by NHL Central Scouting... ". - I would not link "North America", and I would add the full name to NHL, thus: National Hockey League (NHL) as you do with American Hockey League in the lead.
 * Moved a bunch of other things around in that section, but regardless, the first use of NHL by itself is now spelled out and linked.

Other
 * The dab-finder tool in the toolbox at the top of this review page finds one link that goes to a disambiguation page instead of the intended target.
 * Fixed that


 * The image license might be a problem, not sure. The image is only 80 kb, which is small for a self-made photo. The question of a scan from a copyrighted source might arise, which is why I mention this. Is it for sure a free image?
 * Honestly never really thought of it before. However, the image looks like it was taken during his time at the Canucks rookie camp from last July, where they held a press conference with the different players there. A quick look through Google archives at the two main Vancouver papers doesn't show the image being used by either of them, so it could be good.
 * Update: Just did some looking around. The user who uploaded the image is a reporter/photographer who works for the CBC, so the image is all good. Kaiser matias (talk) 00:37, 12 May 2010 (UTC)

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog at WP:PR. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 21:40, 10 May 2010 (UTC)
 * Addressed everything here. Thanks. Kaiser matias (talk) 00:27, 12 May 2010 (UTC)