Wikipedia:Peer review/José Rizal/archive2

José Rizal
This peer review discussion has been closed. I have opened this page for an IP editor Ryan Vesey Review me!  21:38, 30 June 2012 (UTC)
 * Previous peer review

I've listed this article for peer review because I'm worried about the article's readability and its structure. Some users want it to be arranged in chronological order but it doesn't seem to be working out well. So we need help and guidance on how this article can be improved into these good examples: Ferdinand Marcos and Napoleon Bonaparte.119.224.27.62 (talk) 21:59, 30 June 2012 (UTC)

Comments


 * No need to cite his name, I think.


 * "which would start the Philippine Revolution" -> "which later started" or "which started" or "later led to"


 * "the dignity of the people, saying "Why independence" Comma after "saying".


 * "prosperous farmers that were" -> "who were"


 * "Rizal was the seventh child of their eleven children namely" Comma after "children"


 * "then Governor-General of the Philippines Narciso Clavería, issued a Decree" No comma needed.


 * "My family never paid much attention [to our second surname Rizal], but now I had to use it, thus giving me the appearance of an illegitimate child!" Why is this in italics?


 * "poetry writing contests" -> "poetry-writing contests" or "poetry contests"


 * "as he writes to another friend" -> "wrote" Also the quote that follows is inexplicably italicized.


 * "As to his father's request" -> "At his father's request"


 * "the 25-year-old Rizal, completed" No comma.


 * "being himself a regular diarist and prolific letter writer, much of the material having survived." is awkward. Try a new sentence. "He was a regular diarist and prolific letter writer, and much of the material has survived."


 * "Among his earliest writings are El Consejo de los Dioses, A la juventud filipina, Canto del viajero, Canto de María Clara, Me piden versos, Por la educación, Junto al Pasig, A Las Flores de Heidelberg, El Cautiverio y el Triunfo: Batalla de Lucena y Prision de Boadbil, Alianza Intima Entre la Religion y la Buena Educacion, La Entrada Triunfal de los reyes Catolice en Granada, Sobre la Nueva Ortografia de la Lengua de Tagala, etc." Just list a few of these not the whole lot. It interrupts the flow of the text.


 * "On his early writings" -> "In his"


 * The Writings section needs a lot more citation.


 * "The core of his writings centers" Centered.


 * " the Philippines is battling" "was", not "is".


 * "a double-faced Goliath"--corrupt friars": spaced en dash or unspaced em dash here.


 * The list in the writings section should be converted into prose and cited. No need for bullet points here.


 * First part of the Persecution section is uncited.


 * Exile section needs citations.


 * Last days section needs many more citations. It's almost entirely uncited.


 * Legacy section also needs citations.


 * So does Other works.


 * Generally speaking, the organization of the article leaves something to be desired. I would suggest making it into a strict chronology of his life directly following the lead, from early years to time in Europe, back to the Philippines, into exile and then execution. Once that's dispensed with, talk in further detail about his relationships, literary works, etc. (these will already be in the other sections, but you can go into further detail in dedicated sections). I'd recommend doing a reorganization of this kind before going much further.--Batard0 (talk) 09:29, 17 July 2012 (UTC)