Wikipedia:Peer review/KMFDM/archive2

KMFDM
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review becaue it has been more than a year since its last peer review, and I've taken all the comments from that one on board, and have added a lot of new content as well. I'm hoping to take this to FAC sometime this year. One of my big questions for anyone experienced in writing articles on bands is: is there anything missing subtopic-wise?
 * Previous peer review

Thanks, —Torchiest talkedits 00:44, 27 May 2012 (UTC)

Comments The Rambling Man (talk) 17:44, 7 June 2012 (UTC)
 * "dozens of singles, selling millions of records in the United States alone." a touch on non-encyclopedic language. Say how many millions and how many singles.
 * Think four short paras in the lead could be better distributed as three larger paras.
 * "including countless guest" countless? Really?  In an encyclopaedia?
 * "almost two dozen times" I would prefer "over twenty times".
 * "and has invited more fan participation at concerts since reforming" well isn't it obvious that all concepts invite more participation? Or does this mean something else? Like onstage larks?
 * "Schulz'" -> "Schulz's".
 * Is it Pig or PIG?
 * "as a joint effort" not keen on "effort", perhaps "project" or "venture" or something more specific.
 * "Konietzko treating five " don't understand what "treating" means here?
 * "They signed directly to Wax Trax![1] to distribute this album." put the ref at the end of the sentence.
 * "had filed bankruptcy[1] in November 1992.[12] " I thought you filed for bankruptcy, and move the [1] ref to the end of the sentence.
 * Avoid over linking, e.g. you link Adios multiple times in one section.
 * No need to link Norway.
 * "Steve White and Lucia Cifarelli performing with KMFDM in October 2005." image looks like you've forced the size, just stick to  and no need for the full stop in the caption.
 * "Musical style" section has a lot of short paras, consider an elegant way of merging them.
 * Tour table should meet MOS:DTT for row and col scopes so that a screen reader can announce it.
 * "The cover of 84–86, " caption doesn't need a full stop.
 * "1989–1990, " would be "1989–90, " if you're being internally consistent.
 * Ref 62 (for instance) has no publisher information.
 * Avoid SHOUTING in the ref titles.
 * Thanks a lot for taking the time to read through the article and add your notes. I really appreciate someone else being able to see all the little things that my glazed over eyes don't register anymore. —Torchiest talkedits 18:12, 7 June 2012 (UTC)
 * You're welcome. Sorry it's taken so long for you to get some picky comments!  The Rambling Man (talk) 18:18, 7 June 2012 (UTC)

Hi. I have some relevant post-copyedit comments:


 * Two general comments on writing style: first, there are still some overlinks. Each name should be linked once per article; this article is long enough that a name linked early can be linked again later in the article. Lucia C-Whatsername especially is victim to this. Second, avoid starting sentences with phrases like "In 1987," "In April 2004," "Meanwhile," and so on. These delay getting to the point, which is occasionally desirable, but most of the time just jerks your readers around.


 * Intro: KMFDM has toured almost two dozen times, normally at least once after each album, and has invited more fan participation in recording concert performances since reforming.
 * Those ideas are separate enough that they should be separate sentences, and the part about fan participation doesn't make sense as such, it needs more detail.


 * later: The next album, What Do You Know, Deutschland?, was recorded from 1983 to 1986, and released in December 1986.
 * That attracted my attention because three years is so long, then I realized that 1983 is before the band formed! This is apparently correct, per your reference, but it's confusing to the reader and needs explained.


 * In late 1995, close friend and president of Chicago's Wax Trax! Records Jim Nash died of an illness complicated by AIDS
 * I'm sure he was a "close friend" to somebody, but to whom? The reference doesn't say, so you need to provide one that does and clarify the phrase, or cut it.


 * The word "temporarily" shows up a lot. Don't use it unless you know that something was intended all along to be temporary. Otherwise, it's redundant. Omit it.
 * While the album Don't Blow Your Top was more sparse in content, due to the influence of producer Adrian Sherwood,[12][13] it was the exception rather than the rule.
 * "Sparse in content" implies that there wasn't much material. Should this be "sparse in texture" or "sparse in sound"? Dementia13 (talk) 00:28, 12 June 2012 (UTC)
 * Thanks also for these comments. I've made some small fixes and am still working through some of the slightly more in-depth suggestions. —Torchiest talkedits 20:15, 25 June 2012 (UTC)