Wikipedia:Peer review/Kathy Dunderdale/archive1

Kathy Dunderdale
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because the article has yet to be assessed but seems to be very well written as is, but it will obviously need some tweeking and I would like to know what else could be done.

Thanks, Jordo72 (talk) 19:12, 29 December 2010 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This is a good start. The article is interesting and fairly broad. The lower sections run the danger of becoming dated rather quickly, but this is not an insurmountable problem. Here are my suggestions for further improvement:


 * Would it be possible to find a public-domain image of her and add it to the infobox?


 * Could the persondata include something in the "description" line? "Politician" might be all that's needed or maybe "Politician, 10th premier of Newfoundland and Labrador".

Lead
 * I would lowercase words like "premier" except when it is being used as part of someone's title as in Premier Danny Williams. For example, "She was sworn in as Premier... " should, I think, use a small "p" on "premier".


 * "at various times holding the portfolios" - Link "portfolio" to Ministry (government department)?

Background


 * "Her late husband, Captain Peter Dunderdale, was a master mariner... " - Link master mariner?


 * "When her children grew older she decided to get involved outside the home where she worked and volunteered in many different roles." - Possibly unclear since it might seem to suggest that she volunteered and worked from home. Suggestion: "When her children grew older, she worked away from home in many different volunteer roles."


 * "accepted an offer to be part of an appeals board for inshore fishers after the cod moratorium" - It might be helpful here to explain "inshore fishers" and to provide a little more background on the cod moratorium. What is an "inshore fisher", and what was the moratorium about? When did the moratorium occur, and how long did it last?


 * Could "Status of Women" be briefly explained or linked to something, perhaps Minister responsible for the Status of Women (Canada)?


 * "where she lives today within her district" - Rather than using words like "today", "now", and "current", it's often better to specify the year by saying something like "as of 2011". Words like "today" may quickly lose their original meaning as time passes.


 * "Her husband passed away in 2006" - Replace "passed away" with "died"?

Politics
 * "Although Dunderdale said she knew she would not win the seat still felt she had to send Liberal Premier Clyde Wells a message about the way he was treating municipalities." - Not a complete sentence as written.

Minister of Natural Resources
 * Extremely short paragraphs give articles a choppy look. It's usually best to expand them or to merge them with other paragraphs. I'd probably merge these four to make two.

Minister of Natural Resources
 * Link "hydro development" to Hydroelectricity?

Premier
 * "Child, Youth and Family Services Minister Joan Burke took on Sullivan's former portfolios on a temporary basis until a larger cabinet shuffle is held after Christmas to replace those ministers who decide to seek the party leadership." - This will soon need to be updated, I assume.

Party leadership
 * This section is mainly a breaking news story that will need frequent updating to make sense. As time passes, the section may come to have unnecessary detail and will need to be trimmed. Political maneuvering often seems more important for a brief time than it does in retrospect only a few months later.


 * "Dunderdale announced her candidacy for the Tory leadership" - Does Tory need to be linked or explained? Are the Progressive Conservative Party and the Tory Party the same?


 * "While she originally stated she would step down as Premier if she decided to run for the leadership she now has said... " - Here's an example of a "now" that is problematic. Does that mean December 31? What will it mean by March 1?

References


 * Many of the citations are incomplete. Citations to Internet source should include author, title, publisher, date of publication, url, and date of most recent access if all of these are known or can be found. For example, citation 1 should include the author's name, Sue Bailey, and the date of publication, March 12, 2010.


 * Newspaper and magazine titles, like The Globe and Mail in citation 3, should appear in italics.

Other
 * I found and fixed quite a few minor errors, but I doubt that I caught them all. Another proofing would be a good idea.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog at WP:PR; that is where I found this one. I don't usually watch the PR archives or check corrections or changes. If my comments are unclear, please ping me on my talk page. Finetooth (talk) 21:46, 2 January 2011 (UTC)