Wikipedia:Peer review/KiHa 80 series/archive1

KiHa 80 series


I've listed this article for peer review because I want to see whether there are any major problems (e.g. missing content, grammar or spelling problems etc.) standing in the way of it becoming a Good Article.

Thanks, MiasmaEternal  ☎  03:48, 9 January 2022 (UTC)

Review comments by Trainsandotherthings
Lead Background History Manufactured cars
 * In general, I see a lot of photos. I might be called an extremist in my dislike of galleries, but I believe there are too many photos here, and I would rather see photos incorporated inline throughout the article instead of being in a bunch of small galleries. Not to toot my own horn here, but take a look at how I handled photos at Cedar Hill Yard, which is a GA and nearly finished with FAC as well. In general, I recommend looking for GAs and FAs on related topics to give you an idea of what you can improve.
 * "Later, three resort trains were built based on the series" Specify roughly when these were built, instead of just saying "later".
 * "limited express services were limited" This should be reworded to avoid using "limited" twice in a row like this.
 * Add a wikilink to the first mention of the Tōkaidō Main Line. Ditto for Kagoshima Main Line.
 * "This was due to several reasons, one being that demand for express services in rural areas was low due to most of the population already residing on the Tokaido Main Line. Another reason was due to lack of electrification in many areas." These sentences can be combined. Suggest a rewrite along the lines of "This was due to low demand for express services in rural areas, and the lack of electrification in many areas."
 * "In the fall of 1958, both 151 series EMUs and 20 series passenger cars were introduced for the then-new Kodama service from Tokyo to Kobe and the Asakaze service, respectively." How was this significant to the development of the KiHa 80 series? I don't see the relevance being explained here.
 * The negatives of using steam locomotives might be obvious to you or I, but they should be at least briefly explained to the reader, who many not be familiar.
 * I'm surprised how short this section is. Refer to articles such as EMD F40PH and Amfleet and see how they break down the sections. You don't have to emulate them, but both are good articles so I suggest giving them a read and adopting things you believe will improve this article. You can also look at the GA reviews for them to see what issues the nominators ran into and how they were resolved.
 * I'm not a fan of this section. To be blunt it's a bit of a mess. Consider using one or more tables to better organize this information.
 * "KiHa 81 (1 - 6)" et al. What are these numbers in parenthesis referring to? I can't tell.
 * I will add more comments later on once you've had a chance to see and respond to these, but they should give you something to start with. I'm watching this page, so I'll be available to respond to any questions you have. Trainsandotherthings (talk) 17:39, 13 January 2022 (UTC)

Hey. I've read what you had to say, and I agree with most of it. A few nitpicks: I won't get to work on it straight away, but if you have any further suggestions, fire away. MiasmaEternal ☎  20:44, 13 January 2022 (UTC)
 * I agree with the fact that I need to put the rolling stock info in a table - the articles I've read that do this, they list each car individually, which is onerous to the reader. I'd rather mention the classification, the number of cars built, any notes etc.
 * The reason I've put galleries is that I find them to be neater than inline. But that's just me.

If you have any suggestions of what info I should add, I'm all ears. MiasmaEternal ☎  08:08, 14 January 2022 (UTC) Hi I'm terribly sorry to keep you waiting so long. I just finished a move irl so I've not been on Wikipedia as much as usual. I think you're getting very close to an article that's ready for GAN, it's already better than many articles which get nominated, in my opinion. I think that tables like the one you showed above are a good way to better organize information. Additionally, here are some more comments for your consideration:
 * This is the sort of table I'm talking about:
 * Where the Blue Ribbon Award is mentioned in the lead, consider a very short description of what it is, e.x. "the KiHa 81 series sets would receive the fourth Blue Ribbon Award for outstanding design from the Japan Railfan Club [ja].
 * In the lead, towards the end, I suggest briefly mentioning what rolling stock replaced the KiHa 80 series upon its retirement.
 * In the history section (and in general), watch out for single sentence paragraphs. Those are generally something to avoid when possible. For instance, "The remaining 17 KiHa 81 series cars were inaugurated between 31 October and 18 November 1960 and started on the Hatsukari service on December 10." can be included at the end of the paragraph immediately preceding it.
 * At this point, I feel most of my comments are minor, and things that wouldn't stop you from passing GA. I'd encourage you to go ahead and nominate this article for GA, I think you have a good chance of ultimately passing. If you have any further questions or need help during the GAN process, feel free to ping me and I'll help out as best as I can. Trainsandotherthings (talk) 16:21, 4 February 2022 (UTC)