Wikipedia:Peer review/Léon M'ba/archive2

===Léon M'ba===
 * Previous peer review
 * A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for September 2008.
 * A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for September 2008.

This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I am trying to bring this article to FA status. The former PR languised in very-little response hell.

Thanks, --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 19:32, 2 September 2008 (UTC) :Note: Because of its length, this peer review is not transcluded. It is still open and located at Peer review/Léon M'ba/archive2.

Comments from Yohhans talk - Just looking at prose and flow. I'll hit MoS and content if I can, but don't expect too much in these areas. :)

General Lead Early life Under the colonial administration
 * Notes come before References
 * Done. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 19:46, 4 September 2008 (UTC)
 * committing a minor crime that - "minor" seems POVish, and is made redundant by "a simple fine" - Also, I think "simple" could be dropped and the amount of the fine should be added.
 * I don't see how "minor" is POVish. I dropped simple, but the sources don't say how much he would have been fined. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 19:50, 4 September 2008 (UTC)
 * I just meant that calling the crime "minor" is your point of view. Some might see falsifying documents as a less than minor crime. In any case, it's really not a big deal. It's fine if it's left as is. - Yohhans talk 20:56, 4 September 2008 (UTC)
 * gave M'ba a second chance and selected to head → and selected him to head
 * Done. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 19:53, 4 September 2008 (UTC)
 * "complicity" should be linked to complicit: complicity takes you to the novel
 * Done. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 19:54, 4 September 2008 (UTC)
 * In exile in Oubangui-Chari → While in exile in Oubangui-Chari
 * Done. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 19:55, 4 September 2008 (UTC)
 * culminated in his appointment as prime minister - Really? I would have thought it culminated in his election as president?
 * Changed to: "In 1946, he began his political ascent, being appointed prime minister on 21 May 1957. He served as this until 21 February 1961." --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 20:02, 4 September 2008 (UTC)
 * In 1958, he directed the political integration of Gabon into the Franco-African community. - The meaning of this sentence is unclear. Does it mean he directed an initiative to include Gabon in the Franco-African community more?
 * Changed to: " In 1958, he directed an initiative to include Gabon in the Franco-African community further than before." --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 20:27, 4 September 2008 (UTC)
 * Briefly toppled by a military coup d'état in February 1964, Jean-Hilaire Aubame was installed as president, but was restored within days through French intervention. - Needs rewording. How about, "Jean-Hilaire Aubame briefly assumed the office of president by way of a coup d'état in February 1964, but order was restored days later when the French intervened."
 * Done. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 20:33, 4 September 2008 (UTC)
 * but died in November of that year - how?
 * "of cancer". --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 20:36, 4 September 2008 (UTC)
 * A member of Fang ethnic tribe - correct me if I'm wrong, but this should have a definite article before it, should it not? i.e. "A member of the Fang ethnic tribe"?
 * Huh? please elaborate. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 20:42, 4 September 2008 (UTC)
 * I just meant that there should be a definite article in that sentence. That is, it should be "A member of the Fang ethnic tribe" rather than "A member of Fang ethnic tribe" - Yohhans talk 20:56, 4 September 2008 (UTC)
 * Oh. Stupid me. I was reading so fast that I thought they were the same! Done. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 22:05, 4 September 2008 (UTC)
 * on February 9, 1902 in Libreville. - Might want to specify "Liberville, Gabon"
 * Done. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 20:42, 4 September 2008 (UTC)
 * manager of a small business → small business manager
 * Done. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 20:43, 4 September 2008 (UTC)
 * Do we really need a link to hairdresser?
 * Delinked. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 20:51, 4 September 2008 (UTC)
 * Seamstress is linked but Lieutenant-Governor is not?
 * Link'd. (I don't know why I'm turning into a stupit punk) :). --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 21:54, 4 September 2008 (UTC)
 * December 1922,[7] when he was sentenced to prison after having committed a minor crime of providing a colleague with falsified documents.[7] - I don't think we need the same reference twice in one sentence
 * Hmm. removed. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 21:59, 4 September 2008 (UTC)
 * Chef de canton
 * With his colleague Ambamamy - full name for Ambamamy?
 * Footnote addded. We don't know his first name. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 22:12, 4 September 2008 (UTC)
 * he used the service obligatoire - either link the term, define it or use lay terminology.
 * Forced labor. Clarified. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 22:14, 4 September 2008 (UTC)
 * However, from 1929, the colonial administration started to investigate his activities after intercepting one of his letters to Kouyaté, the secretary of the Ligue des droits de l'homme, who was accused of being an ally of the Comintern. → However, beginning in 1929, the colonial administration started to investigate his activities after they intercepted one of his letters to (full name of Kouyaté), secretary for the Ligue des droits de l'homme, who was accused of being an ally of the Comintern.
 * Done. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 22:18, 4 September 2008 (UTC)
 * In those years, M'ba distanced himself from Christianity without breaking completely with his faith, and became a follower of the Bwiti[6] religious sect, which Fangs were particularly receptive to. → In those years, M'ba distanced himself from Christianity, but did not break completely with his faith. He instead became a follower of the Bwiti[6] religious sect, which Fangs were particularly receptive to.
 * Done. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 22:28, 4 September 2008 (UTC)
 * removed from power[9] and sentenced → removed from power.[9] He was sentenced
 * done. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 22:36, 4 September 2008 (UTC)
 * I'll do the rest later. From what I've read so far, it is written fairly well. I'm just nitpicky.

More Comments
Last batch of comments. I've also just started to edit the page with the nitpicky things myself. If you don't agree with the changes, feel free to correct what I've done. - Yohhans talk

Exile in Oubangui-Chari Political ascension Head of independent Gabon General notes
 * While in exile in Oubangui-Chari, first in Bambari and then Bria → While exiled in the French territory Oubangui-Chari, first in the town Bambari and then Bria,
 * "in the town of Bambari". Done. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 19:29, 5 September 2008 (UTC)
 * under surveillance in Oubangui-Chari.
 * Done. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 19:32, 5 September 2008 (UTC)
 * he transcribed the customary rights → he wrote about the customary rights
 * Done. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 19:35, 5 September 2008 (UTC)
 * published it in the Bulletin de la société des recherches congolaises - should the definite article be there if it's a journal? For example you would not say, "He published an article in the Nature."
 * It's a bulletin. Anyway, fixed. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 19:57, 7 September 2008 (UTC)
 * main reference on tribal customary law of the Fangs. → main reference on Fang tribal customary law.
 * Done. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 19:57, 7 September 2008 (UTC)
 * Local politician
 * which many notable Fangs offered their support for → an idea which many notable Fangs supported
 * Done. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 19:57, 7 September 2008 (UTC)
 * Rise to power
 * giving the ruling government 29 of the 40 legislative seats. - the "ruling government"? Should this be "giving the party a majority with 29 of the 40 legislative seats"?
 * yes, done. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 20:01, 7 September 2008 (UTC)
 * After voting "yes" in the - Sounds better as "After voting in favor of the ..."
 * Done. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed]
 * promulgated - probably should link this or use a different word. I doubt this word is part of every Wikipedian's vernacular. I suggest linking so they can at least be exposed to the new word though.
 * Wiktionary link added. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 20:10, 7 September 2008 (UTC)
 * Again, Foccart refused. - Do we know why? I assume because of the break in tradition, but could this be explained more?
 * "as a loyal Frenchman". --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 20:12, 7 September 2008 (UTC)
 * voted "no" in the constitutional referendum - Again, probably sounds better as "voted against the constitutional referendum"
 * Done. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 20:24, 7 September 2008 (UTC)
 * though the more probable reason is that it - Is that the reason or is it not? Speculation should not be included in an FA-to-be. :) Further, this is sourced by the Encyclopedia Britannica. While there is nothing wrong with this, it would be nice to have a source that is not a tertiary source.
 * The thing is, we don't know. All we can do is speculate. I sourced it to a very reliable source--what is wrong with this? --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 20:30, 7 September 2008 (UTC)
 * Consolidation of power
 * through scrutin de liste voting system - "scrutin de liste" should be italicized
 * Done. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 20:44, 7 September 2008 (UTC)
 * loincloths? Really? That's crazy
 * Yup. This guy was nuts. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 20:53, 7 September 2008 (UTC)
 * After deciding to reshuffle the cabinet without consulting Parliament, the president of the National Assembly Paul Gondjout, who had previously allied himself with M'ba, filed a motion of censure. → After deciding to reshuffle the cabinet without consulting Parliament, the president of the National Assembly, Paul Gondjout, a previous ally of M'ba's, filed a motion of censure. (not sure if this is now factually accurate. He may very well have stayed an ally. Your call. It is cumbersome in its present form though.)
 * You were correct. Done. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 21:07, 7 September 2008 (UTC)
 * "Hyperprésident" of Gabon
 * With Aubame, he formed a number of political unions, sufficiently balanced to appeal to the electorate. → With Aubame, he formed a number of sufficiently balanced political unions to appeal to the electorate.
 * Done. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 22:05, 7 September 2008 (UTC)
 * In thanks for his help, - Scandalous! Curse nepotism.
 * I don't see what the problem is. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 22:05, 7 September 2008 (UTC)
 * In February 1961, he again decreed the internment of approximately 20 people. - Why? This just seems like a random statistic now. Give it meaning.
 * I moved it to a more relevant place. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 22:11, 7 September 2008 (UTC)
 * many students held demonstrations. - demonstrations? Like, fire-eating demonstrations? Belly dancing? Juggling? Tight-rope walking? (excuse my sarcasm. It cannot be helped)
 * The "political unrest" in the sentence impliese thaty these were political demonstrations. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 22:16, 7 September 2008 (UTC)
 * with a chicotte, - Did they actually call it a chicotte? If not, I would suggest changing this to, "with a sjambok"
 * It's called a chicote in Gabon. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 22:16, 7 September 2008 (UTC)
 * I've been noticing that president is capitalized quite often (always?). I'm pretty sure that this should be lower-case throughout, but then again, I don't know the MoS that well.
 * I think they are all by tme MOS. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 22:27, 7 September 2008 (UTC)
 * Aubame resolved the problem by resigning from his post as President of the Supreme Court, which complicated matters for M'ba.
 * Not done. He had two posts. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 22:30, 7 September 2008 (UTC)
 * even though it was 70% comprised by BDG members - oddly worded
 * Changed to: "even though 70% of it were BDG members" --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 22:33, 7 September 2008 (UTC)
 * Under the tutelege of France
 * However, the Gabonese president was afraid, .... of what? Assassination?
 * "of internal strife or assassaination" --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 22:46, 7 September 2008 (UTC)
 * Succession and legacy
 * Despite his inability to govern, the president clung to his power; only after a long insistence by Foccart, M'ba agreed on November 14, 1966 to appoint Bongo as Vice President in replacement of Yembit, making his decision through a radio and television message recorded in his room at the Claude-Bernard Hospital. - snake sentence. Needs to be broken up.
 * Changed to: "Despite his inability to govern, the president clung to his power. Only after a long insistence by Foccart did M'ba agree to appoint Bongo as Vice President in replacement of Yembit, announcing his decision through a radio and television message recorded in his room at the Claude-Bernard Hospital on 14 November 1966." --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 22:49, 7 September 2008 (UTC)
 * Image captions that are not full sentences should not have full stops. I have fixed these.
 * Also, I am not sure about the legitimacy of the use of Image:Mba.jpg. It will definitely be remarked on when you take the article to FAC (either by Giggy, Awadewit or Fasach Nua if not others).
 * Let's see how the iFD turns out. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 22:50, 7 September 2008 (UTC)
 * You've mixed up the citation templates: both Citation and Harvnb style are used (e.g. current ref 78 is Citation, and current ref 80 is Harvard). Pick one.
 * Fixed. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 22:55, 7 September 2008 (UTC)
 * There are still multiple Citation templates in use (not counting the References section).
 * Reference 38 needs an accessdate.
 * done. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 23:20, 7 September 2008 (UTC)
 * This was brought up in the 1964 Gabon coup FAC and I think it bears repeating. There are multiple sentences that are referenced with the same reference in a row. For example in Chef de Canton, both the sentences "As the leader ... able-minded man." and "He once wrote in a letter ... authority that I represent." are cited by current ref 5. To ease readability, I think you can drop the first reference and just put the reference at the end of the paragraph. It will (or should anyway) be assumed that this references covers the previous two sentences.
 * I have fixed all I noticed. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 23:35, 7 September 2008 (UTC)
 * Why does it say in the lead he was appointed as prime minister on May 21, 1957, but his user-box says he was in office from February 27, 1959 to February 21, 1961? Which is right?
 * Fixed. --I'm an Editorofthewiki[citation needed] 23:38, 7 September 2008 (UTC)
 * Links all check out.
 * End
 * I think that's all I have. Overall an easy and engaging read. I don't know that I have any request for extra content. It feels fairly complete to me. The only thing that may need some expanding on is his family. There's a very small blurb of it at the very end. I was beginning to wonder whether he married or not. Maybe something could be added to the Early life section? Anyway, I hope this review was helpful. Good luck with the FAC! - Yohhans talk 16:10, 5 September 2008 (UTC)