Wikipedia:Peer review/Laura Secord/archive1

===Laura Secord=== This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because next year will be the 200th anniversary of Laura Secord's historic walk, and I think the article should be brought up to GA before then—I think the article could be an FA if given the right attention, and it would be awesome if it could make it for the anniversary.

Thanks,  C üRly T üRkey  Talk Contribs 10:22, 18 July 2012 (UTC) :Note: Because of its length, this peer review is not transcluded. It is still open and located at Peer review/Laura Secord/archive1.

Comments:


 * "revolutionaries, during the War": No comma needed.
 * Done.  C üRly T üRkey  Talk Contribs 00:12, 18 August 2012 (UTC)


 * "to take advantage of lands being granted.": I'm not sure what this means. Did he take a land grant? From whom? Best to explain a little further if we have this info.
 * Done.  C üRly T üRkey  Talk Contribs 00:12, 18 August 2012 (UTC)


 * "Shortly after, she married" --> "Shortly after, Laura married" (the preceding material is about her father, so it's necessary to repeat her name here)
 * Done.  C üRly T üRkey  Talk Contribs 00:12, 18 August 2012 (UTC)


 * "The information helped the British, with the aid of Mohawk warriors, win the Beaver Dams,": Suggest: "The information helped the British and allied Mohawk warriors win the Beaver Dams"
 * Done.  C üRly T üRkey  Talk Contribs 00:12, 18 August 2012 (UTC)


 * "Her contribution to the war was quickly forgotten, however, until 1860,": Recommend removing "quickly" and "however". (Conciseness, this doesn't change the meaning)
 * Done.  C üRly T üRkey  Talk Contribs 00:12, 18 August 2012 (UTC)


 * " with many embellished versions of the tale appearing over the years": See WP:PLUSING and rephrase.
 * Done.  C üRly T üRkey  Talk Contribs 00:22, 18 August 2012 (UTC)


 * "Over the never several years": I think this is supposed to be "next", not "never"
 * Done. It looks like someone else fixed this.  C üRly T üRkey  Talk Contribs 00:12, 18 August 2012 (UTC)


 * "that he was unlikely to see the prosperity again that he had once had with his business": Recommend: "that he was unlikely to see the prosperity that he once had"
 * Done.  C üRly T üRkey  <sup style="margin-left:1.5ex;">Talk <sub style="margin-left:-5ex;">Contribs 00:22, 18 August 2012 (UTC)


 * "severely wounded later in the leg": Remove "later"
 * Done.  C üRly T üRkey  <sup style="margin-left:1.5ex;">Talk <sub style="margin-left:-5ex;">Contribs 00:12, 18 August 2012 (UTC)


 * "claims for woman suffrage" --> "women's suffrage"
 * Done.  C üRly T üRkey  <sup style="margin-left:1.5ex;">Talk <sub style="margin-left:-5ex;">Contribs 00:12, 18 August 2012 (UTC)


 * " as far away as Grand Barrington": "Great Barrington"
 * Done.  C üRly T üRkey  <sup style="margin-left:1.5ex;">Talk <sub style="margin-left:-5ex;">Contribs 00:12, 18 August 2012 (UTC)


 * That's all I found. The references look great, the images are all in commons, and the prose is good. I think it passes GA easily with the above fixes. If you want to get it to FA, you might consider making it more comprehensive by setting it more firmly in the context of the War of 1812. What was the status of the war, for example, leading up to Secord's walk? Some of this is there, but it would be nice to have even a brief discussion of the causes and effects of the war, and the importance of the Battle of Beaver Dams in the outcome of the war.--Batard0 (talk) 18:44, 23 July 2012 (UTC)
 * Thanks for the feedback. I'm on vacation, so I'll get on these fixes when I'm back in a few weeks.  C üRly T üRkey  <sup style="margin-left:1.5ex;">Talk <sub style="margin-left:-5ex;">Contribs 10:42, 31 July 2012 (UTC)
 * I'm still on vacation, but have trouble keeping myself from editing when I can. Again, thanks a lot for the feedback.  C üRly T üRkey  <sup style="margin-left:1.5ex;">Talk <sub style="margin-left:-5ex;">Contribs 00:18, 18 August 2012 (UTC)

Comments. - Dank (push to talk)
 * "was a Canadian heroine": Don't link it. You link Upper Canada just below, so on the off chance that this is the moment the reader wants to know more about Canada, they can click there. At FAC at least, I don't usually see US, UK, Canada, etc. linked.
 * Done.  C üRly T üRkey  <sup style="margin-left:1.5ex;">Talk <sub style="margin-left:-5ex;">Contribs 00:18, 18 August 2012 (UTC)


 * "revolutionaries": In Merriam-Webster, which is sensitive to Canadian connotations, this isn't quite the right word; it's not technically wrong, but it's a little uncommon in this sense. Per M-W, we sometimes use the word in the sense of people with revolutionary sentiments, such as "Bolshevik revolutionaries". "who had fought on the American side during the Revolution" is better.


 * "had moved his family ... to take advantage of lands being granted.": From what I read in the text, I'd say: "had applied for and received a land grant"
 * Done.  C üRly T üRkey  <sup style="margin-left:1.5ex;">Talk <sub style="margin-left:-5ex;">Contribs 00:18, 18 August 2012 (UTC)


 * "she married United Empire Loyalist James Secord, with whom she had five children. The family settled in Queenston.": This doesn't follow the text, which says her father moved to Queenston, and she stayed behind after her father moved away, then married James Secord.
 * Done. I think I'd intended "settled" to have meant "settled down".  I changed it to "lived".  C üRly T üRkey  <sup style="margin-left:1.5ex;">Talk <sub style="margin-left:-5ex;">Contribs 00:18, 18 August 2012 (UTC)


 * "After the outbreak of the War of 1812, Secord's husband, serving under Isaac Brock, was": Not wrong certainly, but if you're headed to FAC, try to minimize the number of pauses and keep words close to the words they refer to when you can. Also, you just named him, so "James" should work: "Serving under Isaac Brock in the War of 1812, James was" - Dank (push to talk) 22:13, 14 August 2012 (UTC)
 * Done.  C üRly T üRkey  <sup style="margin-left:1.5ex;">Talk <sub style="margin-left:-5ex;">Contribs 00:18, 18 August 2012 (UTC)


 * Thanks for the feedback. I've got my hands on a more thorough source for her later life, and have expanded the article by several thousand bytes.  C üRly T üRkey  <sup style="margin-left:1.5ex;">Talk <sub style="margin-left:-5ex;">Contribs 00:18, 18 August 2012 (UTC)