Wikipedia:Peer review/Lofty Large/archive1

Lofty Large
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I'd like to get it up to good article status, but never having gone through the process before I'd like some feedback on whether it's in (or near) good enough shape for nomination. If not, I could do with some pointers on what needs doing. Any and all comments appreciated.

Thanks, Arthur Holland (talk) 14:17, 15 January 2011 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This is interesting and a good start but will need considerable work to achieve GA. Here are suggestions for further improvement.


 * The lead should be an inviting summary of the whole article. The existing lead is skimpy and does not adequately summarize the "Korean War" or "Special Air Service" sections or some of the shorter sections. In addition, it includes important information (his height) that does not appear in the main text. My rule of thumb is to try to include in the lead something about each of the main text sections and not to include important things that do not appear in the main text. WP:LEAD has details.
 * Abbreviations like SAS and NCO should be spelled out and abbreviated on first use; after that, the abbreviations by themselves are OK because they have been explained. For example, "he joined the Special Air Service... " should be altered to "he joined the Special Air Service (SAS)... ".


 * Not every paragraph in the article is supported by a source or sources. For example, the first paragraph of "Korean War" lacks a source. Furthermore, an inline citation in the middle of a paragraph cannot be assumed to support claims that come later in the paragraph. For example, what is the source for the dysentery and beri-beri claim in the Korean War section? My rule of thumb is to provide a source for every paragraph (except, usually, in the lead) as well as every unusual claim, every direct quotation, and every set of statistics.


 * The tools in the toolbox at the top of this review page find two dead links in the citations and one link in the main text that goes to a disambiguation page rather than the intended target.


 * Generally numbers bigger than nine are written as digits unless they start a sentence. For example, "at the age of fifteen" in the "Army career" section should be "at the age of 15". Ditto for similar numbers in the article.


 * Generally, nothing inside a direct quotation should be linked, per WP:MOSQUOTE. For example, "drill" should not be linked in the first sentence of the "Special Air Service" section.


 * WP:MOSQUOTE also advises against fancy quotes such as the ones used for the long quotation in this section. Block quotes are preferred for quotations of four lines or more. WP:MOSQUOTE explains how they work.


 * I see a bit of overlinking. Generally, linking something once in the lead and once again in the main text is enough. For example, I don't think you need to link "Andy McNab" in the "Legacy" section and again in "Later years". Also, I would not link common words like "jungle" or "motorbike" that most English speakers are familiar with.


 * The book listings in "Bibliography" should include place of publication. If you don't have this information in your notes, you can usually find it via WorldCat.


 * Some of the citations are incomplete. For example, citations 1 and 3 lack the date of most recent access. Citations to web sites should include author, title, publisher, date of publication, URL, and date of most recent access, if all of these are known or can be found.


 * The "Bibliography" and "Reference" sections repeat some of the information twice. Better would be to merge these if possible. I wonder why you have not cited the 1988 book in the main text.


 * The book listings in the "Reference" section appear to be clickable, but nothing happens when I click on them. I think it would be fine if they were not clickable; the article is short, and nobody will get lost in the "Reference" section.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider commenting on any other article at WP:PR. I don't usually watch the PR archives or make follow-up comments. If my suggestions are unclear, please ping me on my talk page. Finetooth (talk) 00:05, 21 January 2011 (UTC)