Wikipedia:Peer review/Loss of MV Darlwyne/archive1

Loss of MV Darlwyne
. I began this article in 2016, in acknowledgement of the 50th anniversary of this 1966 maritime disaster which claimed 31 lives. In the autumn of 2016, illness curtailed my WP activity for six or more months, but during my gradual return to editing I've managed to polish the article into reasonable shape, and would like now to hear from others about what needs to be done to improve it further.

Thanks, Brianboulton (talk) 15:53, 5 January 2018 (UTC)

Comments by Wehwalt
A most absorbing read. Much more seaworthy than the original. A few comments:
 * "Built in 1941, after ending its naval service in 1957 Darlwyne underwent considerable structural alteration, including the removal of its original watertight bulkheads and the conversion of its aft cabin into a large open cockpit." I might consider a comma after "1957"
 * That might be one too many in BritEng convention. Brianboulton (talk) 21:54, 9 January 2018 (UTC)
 * "indicated that Darlwyne was unfit for work in the open sea" I might cut "work in"
 * "the boat's skipper Brian Bown agreed to take a group of guests from the Greatwood guest house in Mylor, on a sea trip to Fowey." Suggest cut the comma.
 * "Following its non-arrival at Mylor the alarm was raised early on 1 August, and full air and sea searches began at dawn." I'm not sure the opening phrase actually adds anything. The reader already knows that the voyage did not end well, you told them earlier in the paragraph that it was a "fatal" voyage, and they've probably read the lede paragraph. I might start with "The alarm ..."
 * After further thought, on balance I'd prefer to keep the phrase in the interests of clarity. Brianboulton (talk) 21:54, 9 January 2018 (UTC)
 * "After the recovery of the twelve bodies, operations continued intermittently for several months, without result." I might simplify to "Although operations continued intermittently for several months, only twelve bodies were recovered."
 * Operations were continuous and very intensive until after the recovery of the 12 bodies, then became intermittent. I've altered the sentence slightly, but retained the original sense. Brianboulton (talk) 21:54, 9 January 2018 (UTC)
 * "relics of the Darlwyne." You generally aren't using the "the", although I think it sounds better with. Your call.
 * Rather than inserting "the" more than 50 times, I've tweaked the relics phrase. Brianboulton (talk) 21:54, 9 January 2018 (UTC)
 * "The sale ultimately fell through, and by the end of the year the vessel was back in Barratt's ownership.[5] " From the sound of things, i never left his ownership, possibly "possession" is meant for the final word.
 * "and signs that the hull has been "pushed in" below the waterline." likely had, not has. Also, later, " Darlwyne has been overwhelmed by heavy seas."
 * "the divers reported, "it’s likely that what we found was what was left of the Darlwyne".[68][70]" You do not have the name of the ship italicised, and I hesitated to change it as it's a quote.
 * Not italicised in source, so perhaps best left? Brianboulton (talk) 21:54, 9 January 2018 (UTC)
 * Looking forward to seeing it at FAC.--Wehwalt (talk) 12:06, 9 January 2018 (UTC)


 * Thanks for the comments, adjusted except as noted. Brianboulton (talk) 21:54, 9 January 2018 (UTC)

Comments from Tim riley
I have very little to say about this excellent, sad, article. The coverage seems to me comprehensive without being wordy, nothing strikes me as over-emphasised or played down, the sourcing is thorough and varied, and the illustrations are well chosen. All I can offer are a few very minor drafting points: That's all from me. You have not lost your touch, my dear BB: this article is patently from the same stable as earlier Boulton nautical tragedies. I am obliged, rather ashamedly, to agree that you're right that the disaster didn't impinge as much as it should on the British public. I was 14 at the time, and by no means oblivious to news and current affairs, but I don’t remember this tragedy at all. Enough! Ping me when you go to FAC, please.  Tim riley  talk    20:24, 12 January 2018 (UTC)
 * Lead
 * Fourth para: Barratt appears without context, there being no previous mention of him in the first three paras. Just a few words would do, e.g. "the owner, John Barratt"
 * "the Bishop of Truro" – by strange coincidence I have just commented at PR on another memorial dedicated by a bishop, and, as there, I'd be inclined to link to the incumbent rather than, or as well as, the office. But I don't think my view incontestable, and if you prefer to stick with the the current link, that's fine with me.
 * "which they claimed were in all probability Darlwyne relics" – I'm not keen on "claimed": to me, it carries overtones of spurious assertion. I'd prefer something more neutral such as "contended" or "considered"
 * Voyage, 31 July 1966
 * "telling a local that the vessel was "a bitch to handle"" – as the Lord Chancellor says in Iolanthe, "You mustn't tell us what she told you: it's not evidence". I'd be happier if there was an "allegedly" or "reportedly" in here.
 * "advise Bown not to leave the harbour until the weather improved, but the warning was brushed aside by Bown." – I might lose the last two words.
 * Searches
 * Second para: unless you are strongly in favour of the spelling "coxwain", I'd go for the more usual "coxswain", which, I note, is the title of the relevant (and linked) WP article.
 * "This allegation was strongly refuted" – careful with "refuted" – best kept for cases where a statement has been conclusively disproved. Perhaps "denied" or "repudiated".
 * Aftermath
 * Capitalisation of "bishop of Truro" is different from that in the lead.
 * Many thanks, Tim, for your comments – all attended to – and for accompanying kind words. I, like you, was a teenager when the sinking occurred. I do remember the event, mainly because I had visited Falmouth and Fowey the previous year, but it did not leave a great impression at the time, I'm sad to say. The story never got the press/TV coverage it would get today, and quickly got pushed aside by the sensational Shepherd's Bush murders of 11 August. Brianboulton (talk) 17:07, 13 January 2018 (UTC)

Lingzhi

 * Two Refs (both apparently news articles) don't seem to be cited: ""Cornwall shipwreck Darlwyne 'discovered' 50 years after " and "Inquiry told pleasure boat 'should never have sailed'" Lingzhi ♦ (talk) 11:22, 15 January 2018 (UTC)
 * For a trivial point that probably no one at FAC aside from me would ever mention or check, there should probably be nbsp spaces between a date and its month
 * I found a problem with the sfns but fixed it and reported a potential bug
 * Aside from that, all looks well. Lingzhi ♦ (talk) 13:09, 15 January 2018 (UTC)
 * Of the two uncited sources, I've added a citation to the first and removed the second from the sources list. I've generally got away with not putting nbsp spaces between date and month; if it becomes an issue, I'll do it. Thanks for your checks. Brianboulton (talk) 16:14, 15 January 2018 (UTC)


 * SC comments

Very nicely put together and in excellent shape. Just a few very non-binding comments
 * "a crew of two and 29 passengers": I think the MoS says not to mix numerals and spelled-out numbers, "crew of two and twenty nine passengers" or "crew of 2 and 29 passengers" would both be acceptable to those who are likely to challenge on points of minutiae.
 * Our own article gives the Eddystone Lighthouse, rather than Eddystone lighthouse, but I leave the decision to you.
 * As "davit" is not a common term, perhaps linking to the davits would help
 * You have RAF without stating it is the Royal Air Force, or linking to it, but I leave it to your discretion.
 * You could also like to Royal Navy and Whitsuntide, but again, it's your call.
 * Ditto for Board of Trade, but I'd advise linking this, as the terms appears frequently throughout, and it's not readily understandable to all.
 * "listed by Banks (2014)" this is the first mention of Banks, so best to full name him, and say it's in his history of the event.

I hope these help, and please ping me when you go to FAC. Cheers – SchroCat (talk) 16:38, 15 January 2018 (UTC)
 * Thank you for these points, all now attended to. Brianboulton (talk) 19:57, 15 January 2018 (UTC)