Wikipedia:Peer review/Lydia Foy/archive1

Lydia Foy

 * A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for February 2009.
 * A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for February 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because…

I've just created this article after stumbling across the subject, googling it, and finding it worthy of a page. I think it's an interesting tale, but I'm concerned that, in gathering the facts, it might have become a bit bland. I think the 'storyline' should be stronger.

The reason that there's no conclusion is, as far as I can ascertain, no progress has been made since the 'landmark ruling' - but I'm checking into that.

I welcome any and all comments, and I hope some people will be kind enough to edit this and improve it. I think the subject matter could make a FA one day, and it's got to be a good thing to increase public awareness about these issues.

Thanks,  Chzz  ►  01:21, 28 February 2009 (UTC)

Comments from Brianboulton

I agree that this is an important subject that could do with greater coverage. I have listed some points below which I think will improve the article.
 * The lead needs to be expanded into a summary of the whole article, rather than a simple introduction to the subject. Everything in the article needs to be briefly foreshadowed in the lead.
 * The "Life as a man" section begins "Lydia Annice Foy of Páirc Bhríde, Athy,Co Kildare is a retired" A retired what? (dentist, presumably)
 * It doesn't seem that, when the missing word is inserted, the rest of the sentence should start with an "and". New sentence suggested.
 * Clumsy wording: "birth was registered with the Register of Births and Deaths with the Christian name of Donal Mark." Suggest "The birth was officially registered with the Christian names Donal Mark."
 * "...who diagnosed of Gender Dysphoria." "of" is redundant here.
 * What is the purpose of  in the text, towards the end of the Gender reassignment section?
 * "...nothing in the 1863 Act or in the regulations required sex be determined by biological criteria alone." "that" required before "sex"
 * "Foys former wife" – "Foy's former wife"
 * delete comma after "130 pages"
 * "They said the UK Government had discriminated based on Violation of Articles 8 and 12 of the European Convention on Human Rights" Poor phrasing. Perhaps "...the UK Government had violated Articles 8..." etc.
 * "Foys case" – "Foy's case". This error is repeated again, later.
 * You have "High Court" and "high court" in the same line. Perhaps, before this point, either by links or explanation, you could clarify the relationship between the "High Court" and the "Supreme Court"
 * "in a dilemma" rather than "with a dilemma"
 * Do not abbreviate months ("5 Jan")
 * There seems to be inconsistency in the way in which references are formatted. Dates of newspaper/journal articles are sometimes given, sometimes not. The sequences of title–date–periodical–access date are not uniform.
 * I appreciate the difficulty, but have you considered whether ther are any images relevant to the issue, f not the specific case, that could be used to illustrate the article?

I hope you find these points helpful. Brianboulton (talk) 01:13, 6 March 2009 (UTC)