Wikipedia:Peer review/Mamadou Sakho/archive1

Mamadou Sakho
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I think it is capable of becoming a good article.

Thanks, Joao10Siamun (talk) 01:05, 23 June 2010 (UTC)

drive-by, Sandman888 (talk) 21:26, 30 June 2010 (UTC)
 * "Sakho is known for his leadership credentials, his tireless engine, hard-working attitude, and his tackling ability. He has also been praised for his "physical and tactical qualities".[1]" - smacks of POV. Suggest delete
 * Far too many refs in French, for stuff that is available in english.
 * suggest you ask for a copy-edit
 * bereavement?
 * "became one of the club's most sought after prospects winning numerous MVP awards during his time in the youth academy" pov

Finetooth comments: This article seems to have most of the basic information about an unusually good and very young footballer. You are hampered, in a way, by his youth because much of his life has yet to unfold, and the article will need constant updating as time passes. Meanwhile, I'm guessing that you might be able to add something about his playing style and his personal life outside football that would make the article more broad in coverage. I have some other suggestions as well:


 * Proofreading. The phrase "his tireless engine" in the lead makes no sense; perhaps "his boundless energy"? Later in the lead, "Sakho earned a call up the senior team by manager Paul Le Guen" is missing a word, "to", and "call-up" needs a hyphen. In "Early life and career", "Following guidance from his parents and, particularly, under-13 Paris Saint-Germain coach Christian Mas, Sakho curved his bad behavior" probably means "cured" rather than "curved". These are not big errors, but they should be cleaned up.


 * Copyediting. A few bigger prose problems involve constructions like "The journalist, who preferred to remain anonymous, filed a complaint the following day with both he and the newspaper describing Sakho's attitude as 'unprofessional'." The "with plus -ing" construction is awkward and ungrammatical. Something like "The journalist, who preferred to remain anonymous, filed a complaint the following day. He and his editors described Sakho's attitude as 'unprofessional'." Or does "newspaper" mean an article in the newspaper rather than the editorial staff?


 * Jargon. Readers who don't know much about football may find some of the language baffling. For example, "having earned caps" should probably be linked or explained because "caps" is being used in a special way. Does it mean "hats", or does it mean "capital letters", or does it mean "tops"? An outsider to the sport will not know unless you make it clear. Another example of a mystery term in the lead is in the phrase "after wearing the armband". What armband? What is its significance? Other terms that might need explaining (with a link, a short explanation in the text, or a note) include "striker", "yellow card", and "senior side", and possibly "side" itself.


 * Abbreviations
 * "Ben Arfa scored two goals in a span of three minutes as PSG suffered a 3–2 defeat". Abbreviating Paris Saint-Germain as PSG is fine, but you need to write it as Paris Saint-Germain (PSG) the first time it is used in the article so that PSG makes sense by itself later in the article.


 * Possibilities for expansion
 * The lead mentions "his hard-working attitude, and his tackling ability. He has also been praised for his 'physical and tactical qualities'." However, these ideas are not expanded upon in the main text. It would be good to add a "Style of play" section to the article if you can find sufficient reliable sources. It's often helpful to look at FA articles to see how other editors have handled similar topics. You can find other football articles at WP:FA. For example, see Duncan Edwards to see a "Style of play" section. The Duncan article also has an "Outside football" section with details about other interests. What does Sakho like to do when he is not playing football? What are his social relationships? Does he have a favorite charity? Does he play computer games? Does he drive a fancy car? That sort of thing.


 * Images
 * It's best to place directional images so that they face into the page rather than out. I would move File:MamadouSakho.jpg to the left side of the page.


 * Other
 * The tools in the toolbox at the top of this review page show the the article has one disambiguation link and that the images need alt text, meant for readers who can't see the images. WP:ALT has details.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 17:37, 7 July 2010 (UTC)