Wikipedia:Peer review/Mami Kawada/archive1

Mami Kawada
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've been working on this article since around February, since she's one of my favorite J-Pop singers. When I first edited the article, it looked something like this, with few references and needing quite a bit of copy-editing. It currently looks like this. Still needing a lot of improvement, but at least it looks better now, and has more sources. I'm currently asking for some advice on how it can be improved further, what sources I can use, and how the information can be presented. My goal is to eventually bring the article to C or B-class, but I would want to have some clear goals first.

Thanks, Narutolovehinata5 tccsdnew 05:58, 20 August 2012 (UTC)
 * Comments
 * The lead doesn't tell us who she is - Mami Kawada (川田まみ Kawada Mami?, born February 13) is a Japanese pop singer[1] from Sapporo, Japan who is currently signed to Geneon Universal Entertainment. She is also a member of the label I've Sound which performs soundtracks for eroge games and anime.  - this is not very interesting stuff. The very first sentence goes into a discussion of what company she works for, rather than the main thing we want to know, why is there an article on Wikipedia about her? The very first thing to put at the very top of the article is "who is this person?" What is unique about her?
 * How should it be rephrased then? It does mention that she's notable because she performed theme songs for different anime, notably Please Teacher!, Shakugan no Shana and Toaru Majutsu no Index. She's notable because her songs charted on Oricon. Isn't that enough? And her real name is Mami Kawada. Narutolovehinata5 tccsdnew 12:10, 27 August 2012 (UTC)
 * I'm wondering what you want to say about this person. JoshuSasori (talk) 02:22, 28 August 2012 (UTC)
 * First of all, I did not expand this article. I am not the one who wrote most of the text. It was the now inactive user, my fellow Filipino Wikipedian FreddyJR who wrote most of it, along with those of the other I've Sound singers. Since he's now inactive, I have more or less taken over his role in expanding the article and fixing the grammar, but due to my inexperience in writing articles, I'm not actually sure what I should do next with the article. That is the reason why I decided to ask for advice here. Due to our policy on content about living people, I can pretty much include only what is found in reliable sources. Unfortunately, there appears to be little to no reliable coverage about her early life or career, so at least I can include that her songs charted and were used as theme songs in anime. I would want the article to become an actual biography, with details about her life, rather than being a discography in prose form. Narutolovehinata5 tccsdnew 10:55, 28 August 2012 (UTC)


 * Mami Kawada's vocal talent was first discovered by Eiko Shimamiya, who was her teacher at the latter's vocal school in Sapporo, Hokkaido. - the writing style is a bit weird, can you get rid of "the latter" somehow? Also surely there must be SOMETHING which happened before that? Or if not, then perhaps write she has not revealed her true identity, or something.
 * ✅ revising the sentence. Unfortunately, there is practically no coverage about what happened before that, not even on her official website. We don't even know her year of birth, but then again it's a relatively common practice in Japan. Maybe I can find more information using Japanese sources, but there seems to be a lack of that as well. Narutolovehinata5 tccsdnew 12:10, 27 August 2012 (UTC)


 * Too much trivia - almost everything in the article seems to be basically trivia, about what chart positions her singles achieved, or what television programmes they accompanied. I hope this doesn't offend you but the impression is that she must be some kind of cutie-pie to make anyone want to bother collecting trivia about her, a bit like all the articles about Morning Musume members and sub-groups, where there is very little really to say so they make a long article consisting of nothing but trivia. Can you find anything interesting to say about her or show why she is significant?
 * Can you please explain what parts of the article are like trivia? They look encyclopedic to me. Narutolovehinata5 tccsdnew 12:10, 27 August 2012 (UTC)
 * OK then, put it another way: the article is a bit boring. What do you want to do with the article? What do you want to say about this person which is not included so far? JoshuSasori (talk) 02:22, 28 August 2012 (UTC)
 * What do I want to do with the article? Bring it up to C-class or B-class. But again, as the article is a BLP, I should avoid allowing so much trivia facts, although I'm still not exactly sure which is the trivia there. What would really be appreciated would be more information about her early life. I know she's isn't as popular as Nana Mizuki or May'n, but at least there should be even brief biographical details. And I would really appreciate help on where to find such coverage. Narutolovehinata5 tccsdnew 10:55, 28 August 2012 (UTC)


 * Hope this helps. JoshuSasori (talk) 05:17, 27 August 2012 (UTC)