Wikipedia:Peer review/Mantra-Rock Dance/archive1

Mantra-Rock Dance
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I would like to have it ruthlessly scrutinized by experienced fellow editors on its way to GA. I am sure there are many ways to improve the article that I, being its creator, cannot possibly detect – and will be grateful if you tell me what they are.

Thanks and regards, Cinosaur (talk) 04:16, 11 January 2011 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This is quite interesting and generally well-done. I have a few suggestions for improvement; most of them are related to Manual of Style issues.

Overlinking
 * In general, it's enough to link a word or term once in the lead and once in the main text. More than that is usually unnecessary and a bit distracting. For example, "The Grateful Dead" is linked once in the lead, twice in "Preparation and promotion", and once in the "Event" section. I'd remove the last two. Ditto for other terms that are linked multiple times.

Lead
 * Should the swami's full name, A. C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada, appear here on first use? Should he be referred to as Prabhupada on subsequent references? Or "the swami" from time to time to avoid repetition?

Background
 * "ISKCON center on the West Coast" - ISKCON should be spelled out as well as abbreviated on first use.


 * On my computer screen, File:Haight-ashbury modern.jpg displaces the "Preparation and promotion" head. The image size could be set slightly smaller, or the "Background" section might be expanded slightly (if you can find anything else relevant). Other fixes may be possible.
 * ✅ Please see if the new layout is better.


 * The caption, "Haight-Ashbury (modern view)" would be better if "modern" were replaced by a specific year, 2001. "Modern" is too vague.

Preparation and promotion
 * "designed a "Stanley Mouse-inspired" promotional poster" - Nothing inside a direct quote should be linked. WP:MOSQUOTE includes the guideline. You could add a note explaining and linking Stanley Mouse or perhaps paraphrase in such a way that you could link Stanley Mouse.
 * I wonder if we can link the whole quote, which is very small in this case. Is this also in violation of WP:MOSQUOTE?
 * ✅ Removed the quotation marks to keep the link.


 * The Mukunda quotation should not appear in italics. The normal typeface is preferred.


 * Nothing inside the blockquote should be linked.

Event
 * "Despite apprehensions, by the beginning of the concert at 8 PM nearly a three-thousand-people audience gathered in the hall... ". - Smoother might be: "Despite apprehensions, by the beginning of the concert at 8 PM an audience of nearly 3,000 had gathered in the hall... ".
 * ✅ Excellent


 * "so much that latecomers had to wait outside for vacancies in the hall in order to enter" - Make this a separate sentence and tighten? Suggestion: "Latecomers had to wait outside for vacancies in order to enter."


 * "The audience eagerly responded, playing their own instrument... " - Should that be plural, "instruments"?
 * ✅ Typo fixed.

Reactions and effect


 * "regardless of their attitudes towards his philosophy or the life-restrictions that he taught" - Would it be helpful to list some of those life-restrictions here or elsewhere in the article?
 * ✅ Added a short descriptor of the restrictions in a passage about Allen Ginsberg, which comes before in the article and already has a link to the restrictions: "Despite disagreeing with many of Prabhupada's required prohibitions, especially on drugs and promiscuity, Ginsburg..."

Layout


 * Where feasible, directional images should be positioned facing into the page. File:The New Science article by Mukunda Das in the San Francisco Oracle, january 1967.jpg faces left and would look better if placed on the right-hand side of the page.
 * ✅ I swapped the images throughout the article, but now the arrival photo is facing left, even though it is not as conspicuous. Is it better now?

References


 * The Manual of Style recommends "and" instead of an ampersand (&) except in formal names that include an ampersand. Thus, combinations like Bromley & Shinn in the footnotes should be changed to Bromley and Shinn.
 * ❌ The ampersand is built into harv by design. I guess it is allowable then – or is it?


 * The information about books should include the place of publication as well as the publisher. If you don't have this information in your notes, you can usually find it via WorldCat.
 * ✅ Thank you, Finetooth, for this very useful tool.

Other
 * The dab tool at the top of this review page finds two links that go to disambiguation pages instead of their intended targets.
 * ✅ Mea culpa.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider commenting on any other article at WP:PR. Since I don't usually watch the PR archives or make follow-up comments, if my suggestions are unclear, please ping me on my talk page. Finetooth (talk) 23:29, 13 January 2011 (UTC)


 * Thank you very much, Finetooth, for your detailed and thorough review – exactly what I have been looking forward to. Much obliged. Regards, Cinosaur (talk) 07:41, 14 January 2011 (UTC)