Wikipedia:Peer review/Masako Katsura/archive1

Masako Katsura
This peer review discussion has been closed. Looking for help to get this to FA level. In the pool and billiards area there is a pervasive issue with finding sufficient sources from which an FA could be written. I've written seven other GAs in the topic area but this is the first article where I found at least a decent number of sources such that I could put together an article that has a comprehensive feel (I hope). Here too I wish there were more in depth discussion of the subject but at least I wasn't struggling, as I often do, with major aspects that everyone would expect in an article on a biography, having no coverage at all in sources. I'm afraid there is little further information to be added—to the best of my ability sources have been scoured and just about every tidbit I found has been included. Please help with the prose and anything else you see. Any suggestions for further information... well I'll do my best. Thanks in advance for taking the time.--Fuhghettaboutit (talk) 12:28, 6 April 2010 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This is a fascinating article, well-done and fun to read. I have quibbles about hyphens and other fairly small prose and style issues, but the content seems excellent. It might be that in a place or two (indicated in my comments below) that the jargon could be make a trifle more clear to readers (like me) unfamiliar with the complications of carom billiards. Because my Internet connection is extremely slow today for unknown reasons, I elected to write down most of my suggestions here rather than trying to change the article directly, even for small things. Here they are:

Lead
 * "Katsura trailblazed a path for women in the sport by competing and placing amongst the best" - among" is preferred to "amongst"
 * Done.


 * "where she was invited and played in the 1952 U.S. sponsored World Three Cushion Championship, ultimately taking seventh place" - "U.S.-sponsored" with a hyphen? Also "Three-Cushion" with a hyphen?
 * Fixed globally.


 * "she again competed for the world three cushion crown" - "three-cushion crown"?
 * Done.


 * "After 1954, Katsura took a 5 year hiatus from the sport" - "five-year"?
 * Done.


 * "That year she made two television appearance" - "appearances"?
 * Done.


 * "one on CBS' primetime television hit" - "one on the CBS primetime television hit"?
 * I don't see the problem with the construction, but I also don't see a problem with the change so I added it.

Early years
 * "multiple time Japan national three cushion champion" - Too many modifiers. Suggestion: "who had won the Japanese national three-cushion championship multiple times". Then perhaps create a separate sentence out of the rest of this one.
 * Changed with a minor modification to the suggestion.


 * "who had four second place finishes in world competition" - "second-place finishes"?
 * Done.

Marriage and titles in Japan
 * "Greenleaf began taking lessons from Ms. Katsura" - Delete "Ms." per Manual of Style.
 * You fixed this:-)


 * "Katsura already boasted two second place finishes" - "second-place finishes"?
 * Done.


 * "Katsura repeated the year of her marriage" - Impossible. Perhaps "Katsura almost won again during the year of her marriage... ".
 * Changed to something else.


 * "over an approximate four and one-half hour period" - "over about 4.5&nbsp hours"?
 * Done, but used "4½"; we don't normally say "four point five hours", so to use it in that fashion has a jarring effect, where the reader would translate the text to the normal usage in their mind before continuing.


 * "In later year she said that her high run in three-cushion billiards was 19." - "years"? Also, a nonplayer will not know what this means or what it has to do with 10,000 points at straight rail. Are they connected? Does the 19 mean 19 wins in a row?
 * Fixed the typo. You're right that I need to put in some explanatory material for the uninitiated, and not just here. I will need to mull how to do this in a flowing manner. To answer your questions, they are connected in that they are both high runs but in two different games. The high run for many years was 25, then 32 and I think 36 most recently by Semih Sayginer—that's points in a row (in one inning), while a few players have posted 10,000 point runs at straight rail, which is also points in a row (in one inning). Straight rail and three-cushion are very different carom disciplines.
 * Update: I have worked hard on three explanatory footnotes: one for carom games in general, and one for each of three-cushion and straight rail, to provide context to the whole article, which requires at least a little understanding of the games involved.--Fuhghettaboutit (talk) 04:34, 21 April 2010 (UTC)

Emigration to the U.S.
 * "Cochran's sent his Japan-stationed naval officer son, W. R. (Dick) Cochran Jr., to investigate and received back a glowing report... " - "Cochran" rather than "Cochran's". Also, too many modifiers before the son's name. Perhaps "sent his son, W. R. (Dick) Cochran, a naval officer stationed in Japan, to investigate..."?
 * Done.


 * "After Masako arrived in the U.S." - Last name, Katsura, rather than Masako.
 * Done. I could have sworn I got rid of all those months ago.


 * "As a warm up for the competition" - "warm-up"?
 * Done.

First Woman to compete for a world title
 * Lowercase "woman".
 * You fixed this)


 * "Katsura's participation in the 1952 World Three-Cushion Billiards title was a first for any woman; not just as to that competition, but the first time a woman had competed for any world billiard title." - Awkward. Suggestion: "Katsura's participation in the 1952 World Three-Cushion Billiards title marked the first time that a woman had competed for any world billiard title."
 * Done.


 * "This was only ten years after Ruth McGinness became the first women to have ever been invited" - "woman"?
 * Done.


 * "in the championship in the race to 50 points format" - It won't be clear to non-players what "50 points format" refers to. Can you add something to clarify this?
 * Yes. I will do something global to clarify what the games are and give context to the point amounts. I'm telling people she ran 10,000 points at straight rail, but her high run at three-cushion is 19, and without understanding a bit about the games, not only are these numbers meaningless, but may appear contradictory.
 * See update note above.


 * "Life magazine reported that... " - Life takes italics.
 * Done and linked to article.

Tournament roster
 * "Jay Bozeman, of Vallejo" - No comma.
 * Done.


 * "over the 17 day tournament" - 17-day?
 * Done.

Exhibition tours
 * "The duo previewed their tour with a three day engagement at the... " - Three-day?
 * Done.


 * "The 30-day tour was of the northeast U.S., including Chicago, Boston and other locations." - Slightly smoother might be "The 30-day tour of the northeastern U.S. included Chicago, Boston and other locations."
 * Done.

1953 World Three Cushion tournament
 * Three-Cushion?
 * "the 1953 world three cushion crown" - Ditto.
 * Done

Exhibitions and death of Matsuyama
 * "He was said to have taught all of Japan's top players, with Katsura being his star pupil" - "With" doesn't make a very good conjunction. Suggestion: "He was said to have taught all of Japan's top players, among which Katsura was the star."
 * Done.

1954 World Three Cushion tournament
 * Three-Cushion?
 * Done.

TV spots
 * "On March 1, 1959 Katsura appeared... " - Comma needed after 1959.
 * Done.


 * "After signing in using Japanese characters on a chalk board, Katsura's occupation was listed for the audience as "Professional Billiard Player (World's Women's Champion)". - Misplaced modifier. Suggestion: "After she signed in using Japanese characters on a chalk board, show officials listed Katsura's occupation for the audience as "Professional Billiard Player (World's Women's Champion)".
 * Done.


 * "She appeared again on You asked For It" - Big A on "Asked".
 * Done.


 * "a November 25, 1960 broadcast" - Comma after 1960.
 * I don't think the comma is proper in this particular usage.

1961 title match with Worst
 * "The year prior Worst had issued a similar title-defending challenge to Joe Chamaco of Mexico... " - "before" rather than "prior"?
 * Changed to "The preceding year..."


 * "Worst even took legal action to block an Argentinian three-cushion tournament billed as being for the "world title," that was to take place during an overlapping period of time as his scheduled match with Katsura." - Awkward. Suggestion: "Worst even took legal action to block an Argentinian three-cushion tournament, billed as a "world title" event, that was scheduled to overlap his match with Katsura."
 * Done, with a slight modification.


 * "Menwhile, Joe Chamaco, competing in Argentina" - Meanwhile rather than menwhile.
 * Done.

1961 – present
 * Since "present" is not specific, this would be better as "After 1961".
 * Done.


 * "Robert Byrne wrote that after Katsura finished that 100 point run" - 100-point?
 * Done.

Other
 * Captions consisting solely of a sentence fragment don't take a terminal period. I fixed the last one, but two others need fixing.
 * Done.


 * You might have a tough time defending the use of three non-free images in one article.
 * Sigh. Yeah I know. They all feel necessary though.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog at WP:PR. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 00:03, 18 April 2010 (UTC)
 * Thanks most kindly for the review.--Fuhghettaboutit (talk) 06:25, 18 April 2010 (UTC)