Wikipedia:Peer review/Mattias Öhlund/archive1

Mattias Öhlund
This peer review discussion has been closed. Recently became a Good Article, and I'm looking to send this through to become a FA. However, it needs a good copyediting and general cleanup, something I'd like to get done prior to the FA nomination.

Thanks, Kaiser matias (talk) 21:54, 27 October 2009 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This looks very good to me. I did some minor copyediting; please revert if you disagree with any of my changes. Here are a few additional suggestions or comments.


 * Citation 33 has a dead link.
 * Fixed that

Vancouver Canucks
 * "Worth US$10 million over five years, including a signing bonus of $7.5 million... ". Combinations like $10 million should be glued together with nbsp codes to prevent the components from being separated by line-break on computer monitors. WP:NBSP has details.
 * Added the code. Let me know if there is anywhere else I should add it.


 * "Öhlund thus played his first NHL game in Japan, playing in the first game of the season on October 3, 1997." - Maybe, to avoid repeating "play", this would be better: "Öhlund thus played his first NHL game in Japan on October 3, 1997.
 * Done


 * "His 30 points, the fifth best total amongst first year players and highest by rookie defenceman... " - "among" rather than "amongst"
 * Done


 * "After detecting bone chips in his knee in early March 2008, Öhlund underwent knee surgery on March 13 and missed the remainder of the season." - Dangling modifier. Suggestion: "After doctors detected bone chips in Öhlund's knee in early March 2008, he underwent... ".
 * Changed


 * "Öhlund was designated the captain's traditional duty of taking ceremonial faceoffs" - Wikilink face-off? Add the hyphen?
 * I thought about adding the hyphen, however the source listed uses the term "faceoff" and there is really no consensus among ice hockey writtings. As such, I'd rather stay with what the source used.

Personal life
 * "They resided in West Vancouver during the hockey season, but will be living in the Tampa Bay region, and return to Öhlund's hometown of Piteå, Sweden, in the summer." - Would it be useful to repeat the years of residence in West Vancouver and to say that they will be living in the Tampa Bay region during the 2009 season and returning to Sweden in the summer off-season of 2010? Also, have they always gone back to Sweden in the off-season? Can you add any more personal details about such things as non-hockey interests, involvement in charity work, pets, or retirement plans?
 * Theres not much I could find to add to the personal life section, though I will do some more looking. I realised that the section would become an issue if I were to bring it up to FA, so I'll see what can be done.

Images
 * The images are a bit fuzzy, probably because of a combination of low light levels and rapid motion of the subject. Perhaps you can find at least one stronger free image on the Commons or Flickr, or perhaps a fair-use one from the Canucks, the Lightning, or elsewhere might be available.
 * These are currently the best available of Ohlund. Most NHL teams are reluctant to release images of players, especially of active players. However, over the course of the next few months I'm hoping that someone will create a higher resolution image.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 23:18, 2 November 2009 (UTC)
 * Thanks for going over the article. If there is anything else needing work on, let me know. Kaiser matias (talk) 19:03, 5 November 2009 (UTC)