Wikipedia:Peer review/McDonald's Cycle Center/archive1

McDonald's Cycle Center

 * A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for July 2009.
 * A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for July 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because this article may be a future WP:FAC candidate. I would like to clean it up before considering such a nomination.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 21:49, 20 July 2009 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This is most interesting, generally clear, and well-illustrated. I have concerns about the big text sandwich, the wholly honorific treatment of McDonald's, and a few prose or Manual of Style issues.

Lead
 * "With the street address of 239 East Randolph Street, it is located at the southwest corner of the intersection of East Randolph and Columbus Drive, in the northeast corner of Millennium Park in the Loop community area of Chicago in Cook County, Illinois, USA. - - A big too complicated perhaps. Suggestion: "The center, at 239 East Randolph Street, is in the northeast corner of Millennium Park in the Loop community area of Chicago, in the U.S. state of Illinois."
 * Done, with a minor modification.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 13:27, 27 July 2009 (UTC)

Details General information Rentals
 * The direct link to an external site (Bike 2015 plan) needs to be turned into a normal citation."
 * O.K.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 03:47, 27 July 2009 (UTC)
 * This section has a text sandwich between the map and the first three images.
 * I have tried to rearrange the text a bit to lessen the squeezing. Is it still a problem?--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 03:56, 27 July 2009 (UTC)
 * I'm afraid so. On my computer screen, there's still a text sandwich of about four lines. I'm not quite sure what to suggest. Would it be possible to make the map slightly smaller but clickable to enlarge? I see that the base map has no writing on it, and I'm unfamiliar with how the writing is being added. If it's not possible to shrink the map, could you move one of the four images in the stack on the right to another section? Finetooth (talk) 04:08, 27 July 2009 (UTC)
 * With newly added text, it should be fine now.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 14:18, 27 July 2009 (UTC)
 * Citations should be arranged so that the citation numbers in the text appear in ascending order; i.e. [5][10] rather than [10][5]. Ditto for any instance of this in other sections.
 * Done.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 07:51, 30 July 2009 (UTC)
 * "The appearance is poignantly represented with a sloping visibly solar paneled roof" expresses an editorial opinion. Suggestion: "The atrium has a sloping solar-paneled roof".
 * O.K.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 03:50, 27 July 2009 (UTC)
 * N.B. I have added some critical appreciation.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 14:31, 27 July 2009 (UTC)
 * "At the time the McDonald's Cycle Center opened, bicycle centers were already common throughout Europe and planned or enacted in several U.S. cities." Would "established" be better than "enacted"?
 * O.K.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 04:41, 27 July 2009 (UTC)
 * "Since McDonald's is providing a healthier menu and fostering grade school physical education in an effort to help its customers improve their health, sponsoring bicycle and exercise activity in the park augments the company's other initiatives." The source you cite does not support the idea that McDonald's is truly interested in its customers' health. In fact, the source chides McDonald's throughout, saying "... there's something insidious about McDonald's recent alignment with health-related activities. Essentially, it's funding what it calls "active lifestyle programs" in schools and public spaces, activities we desperately need to counteract the damage caused by the high-sodium, trans-fatty foods it serves." This is the most serious flaw I've detected in the article; it gives McDonald's credit without mentioning the company's possibly cynical motives. Since the source you've cited talks about the "McDonaldization of America", it shouldn't be hard to balance the claims to make sure that they are NPOV rather than pro-McDonald.
 * O.K.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 13:37, 27 July 2009 (UTC)
 * "Deposits can be secured with a valid credit card and/or driver's license." - The Manual of Style deprecates "and/or". Would just plain "credit card or driver's license" be OK? Would you ever actually need to show both?
 * O.K.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 05:45, 27 July 2009 (UTC)


 * "and they continued to be so at the time of the renaming." - Maybe add the date here?
 * O.K.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 06:56, 27 July 2009 (UTC)

Repairs
 * I wonder if any more detail could be added here. How many mechanics? What kinds of repairs do they do? Could I take my bicycle there to get new brakes, for example? Would I have to be a member to get my bicycle fixed there?
 * I don't have access to bicycling magazines, but in municipal newspapers I have found a lot more information in general, but just one more fact regarding repairs.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 07:13, 28 July 2009 (UTC)
 * When I first wrote the article, I only had access to in-state newspapers. Now, I have international newspaper access. Your suggestion caused me to read through dozens of articles and expand this article. You may want to review all the new text that I have added.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 13:47, 28 July 2009 (UTC)
 * I'll take another careful look later today. Finetooth (talk) 15:35, 28 July 2009 (UTC)

Other I hope these few comments prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 17:26, 24 July 2009 (UTC)
 * The dabfinder that lives here finds four links that go to disambiguation pages rather than the intended targets.
 * Fixed--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 06:52, 27 July 2009 (UTC)

Further Finetooth comments: The addition of the material about the history of bike laws in Illinois adds a most interesting dimension to the article. You've added a great deal of other information as well, and I must say that the article is far deeper and more interesting than the first time I read it.


 * I think it would look better to have a little more space between the map and the text to its right, but I don't know how to make this happen. As I said before, I'm not sure how maps consisting of a base map with overlays work or how to tweak them. It's probably OK as is but not perfect. This is just a perfectionist's observation, not anything I can point to in the Manual of Style.
 * Cloud Gate was recently promoted to FA with this map. Now that we have moved the opposing text down with intervening text, I think it is acceptable.  Note BP Pedestrian Bridge was promoted, but had the map in a separate section, which I think is less useful.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 21:29, 29 July 2009 (UTC)


 * OK. Finetooth (talk) 21:58, 29 July 2009 (UTC)

Lead
 * The Cycle Center, is high-regarded and world-renown." - Should be "highly regarded and world-renowned". The claims in this sentence and the rest of the paragraph are so strong that they might be challenged. For example, someone might argue that "world-renowned" suggests that everybody knows about the center and thinks highly of it, whereas it's probably not well-known to the general public outside of Chicago. City planners and bike enthusiasts are most likely to know about it. I'm not suggesting a big re-write, just some mild adjustments to make sure the claims don't fall into the category of "over-enthusiastic".
 * How is it now?--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 21:35, 29 July 2009 (UTC)

Details
 * I think the metric figures in the second paragraph should be rounded to the nearest whole number to match the rounding of the imperial figures. You can use |0 instead of |1 in the template to round to the nearest whole number.
 * O.K.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 21:56, 29 July 2009 (UTC)
 * "The center has a see-through design, with thin steel frames for its predominate windows." - The word is "predominant", but "main" might be a better choice or, possibly, "dominant".
 * O.K.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 21:58, 29 July 2009 (UTC)

General information
 * Your addition of the Chicago Tribune writer's doubts about McDonald's motives help tilt toward NPOV. I might suggest adding the word "however" at the beginning of this sentence and wikilinking fast food.
 * O.K.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 22:27, 29 July 2009 (UTC)
 * "The city and its cycle center are considered exemplary by other cities in pursuit of covered, secure bicycle parking near public transportation." - This probably needs a source even though similar claims are sourced later in the article. You might be able to use ref = name to clone one of the other citations that support this claim.
 * O.K.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 22:27, 29 July 2009 (UTC)

Membership
 * "By 2007, the annual membership for those selected from the wait list was $20/month or $149/year." - The Manual of Style deprecates the front slashes in situations like this. Better would be $20 per month and $149 per year.
 * O.K.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 22:40, 29 July 2009 (UTC)
 * "The center has four private stall showers for both men and women... " - I assumed the first time I read this that it meant four unisex stall showers, but it might mean four for men and four for women. This probably should be clarified.
 * O.K.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 07:42, 30 July 2009 (UTC)
 * Perhaps "tagalongs" should be briefly explained for readers who might not know what they are. I don't see anything offhand to link to, but they might have another name that I don't know or have forgotten. "Duneland" is another word of this sort.
 * Whereas, I am quite sure that in this context duneland refers to Indiana Dunes National Lakeshore, I linked it. However, I do not even know what a tagalong is.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 22:47, 29 July 2009 (UTC)
 * I figured it out and created a redirect.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 23:04, 29 July 2009 (UTC)

Critical review
 * "Commissioner d’Escoto and the City of Chicago Department of Transportation, were the 2004 recipients of the Chicago Architecture Foundation's Stein Ray & Harris Patron of the Year award in the governmental category jointly with several other features of Millennium Park." - The sentence says literally that the commissioner and the department shared an award with "several other features". I think this one needs to be re-cast for clarity. The sentence should probably also be merged with the larger paragraph above it to avoid the criticism that it is an orphan.
 * O.K.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 07:16, 30 July 2009 (UTC)
 * Nice job of expansion. I hope these further suggestions are helpful. Finetooth (talk) 18:13, 29 July 2009 (UTC)