Wikipedia:Peer review/Miguel Ángel Mancera/archive1

Miguel Ángel Mancera
This peer review discussion has been closed.

I've listed this article for peer review because this is the first time I wrote an article about a BLP, any kind of biography, and a non-musical article. I'd like to know what is missing and if there is information that may be removed. I think the article is a WP:GA material, so it may need a c/e (English is not my first language, so there may be gramatical, prose and syntax errors). Any kind of suggestions are welcomed, Thanks, Tb hotch .™ Grammatically incorrect? Correct it! See terms and conditions.  20:42, 14 July 2012 (UTC)

Comments:


 * "lawyer and politician that works" --> "lawyer and politician who works"


 * "Master": Is this a master's degree? Best to say so.


 * "decreased up to 12%" --> "decreased by up to 12%"


 * I think the first sentence should include the face that he is the mayor-elect of Mexico City. Also, "Mayor" needn't be capitalized.


 * "where he studied the kindergarten" --> "where he went to kindergarten"


 * "Secondary number 45" --> "Secondary School 45"?


 * "he had a car accident, where another car crashed them and Mancera was the co-pilot.": Was he the passenger? Co-pilot isn't used to describe anyone in a car. Also it should be "another car crashed into his"


 * "The public ministry asked Mancera to sign a document, which resulted to be a responsive letter that exempted liabilities for the driver of the car that caused the accident." I think should be: "The public ministry asked Mancera to sign a document that exempted the driver of the car that caused the accident from liability."


 * "Mancera asked then-Attorney General of the Federal District, Victoria Adato Green, assisted by Diego Ramudia, to pursue the case, managing to sanction the responsible" i think should be "Mancera asked Victoria Adato Green, then-Attorney General of the Federal District, to pursue the case, assisted by Diego Ramudia, and managed to sanction the responsible driver." Also, who is Diego Ramudia?


 * "after he revalidated four subjects": I'm not sure what "revalidated" means here.


 * "per the auspices of" --> "under the auspices of"


 * "adviser in several law firms" --> "adviser at several law firms"


 * "and" needed before "Autonomous University of Baja California"


 * "he began working in government after a Marcelo Ebrard invitation as his adviser, who was Mexico City Secretary of Public Security" --> "he began working in government after Marcelo Ebrard, who was Mexico City Secretary of Public Security, invited him to be his adviser"


 * "As Andrés Manuel López Obrador" --> "After Andrés Manuel López Obrador"


 * "News Divine Bar Incident": Can this be wikilinked?


 * "in which a botched police raid nine teenagers and three police officers died" --> "in which nine teenagers and three police officers died in a a botched police raid"


 * "decreased 12%" --> "decreased by 12%"


 * ""the national crime level rose 10.4%" --> "the national crime rate rose 10.4%"


 * "Average annual crime in Mexico City decreased 3.5% annually, on average, from 2007 to 2011": Remove "annually, on average,"


 * "179 street gangs were disjoined, with a total of 706 gang members" --> "179 street gangs with 706 members were disbanded"


 * "Jesús Rodríguez Almeida took place as Attorny General" --> "Jesús Rodríguez Almeida took his place as Attorny General"


 * "Mancera registered him as a precandidate": remove "him" or say "himself"


 * "Since then, Mancera's electoral preference increased from 36% in March to 41% in April, in an El Universal daily poll" --> "Electoral preference for Mancera then increased from 36% in March to 41% in April in an El Universal daily poll"


 * "In May, Mancera preferences increased to 57.5%" --> "In May, Mancera's favorability increased to 57.5%"


 * "in home of Luis Creel": I'm not sure what this means.


 * "six million dollars" --> "$6 million"


 * "both politicians disassociated the incident" --> "both politicians disassociated themselves from the incident"


 * "increase of 13.000 to 20.000 safety cameras" --> "an increase of 13,000 to 20,000 safety cameras"


 * "reduce car travel time" --> "a reduction of car travel time"


 * "expansion of" --> "the expansion of"


 * "review the issue" --> "a review of the issue"


 * "the minibuses will be removed from the streets" --> "the removal of minibuses from the streets"


 * "18 water purification plants" --> "the construction of 18 water purification plants"


 * "replacement of the garbage trucks, to separate it into organic and inorganic wastes" --> "the replacement of garbage trucks to separate organic and inorganic waste"


 * "with a percentage of 59.5–64.5%" --> "with a margin of 59.5–64.5%"


 * "approximately 40% more votes than the second place, Paredes" --> "and had approximately 40% more votes than the second-place candidate, Paredes"


 * "endorsing him with a constancy": I'm not sure what this means.


 * "The first time he married a woman" --> "His first marriage was to a woman"


 * "in civil union a year": "for a year"


 * "and after six years, Mancera married Magnolia": No comma needed.


 * "with whom have two children": Better: "with whom he had two children"


 * "Mancera has a daughter out of wedlock, and according to him, the child's mother does not want Mancera to seen her" --> "Mancera has a daughter out of wedlock, but he has said the child's mother does not want Mancera to see her"


 * "His bodyguard intervened shooting a robber" --> "His bodyguard intervened and shot one of the robbers"


 * This is generally an all right article. There are some linguistic issues, but perhaps the most important thing is to put that he's the mayor-elect high up in the lead section.--Batard0 (talk) 21:14, 19 July 2012 (UTC)
 * All done, excepting for "revalidate". In Spanish it has sense but I don't know how to say it in English. What I'm trying to say is that he had to took 4 new classes to validate his studies from the Faculty of Medicine to the Faculty of Law to make the change. Thank you so much for the review. Tb hotch .™ Grammatically incorrect? Correct it!  See terms and conditions.  02:29, 20 July 2012 (UTC)