Wikipedia:Peer review/Misty Copeland/archive1

Misty Copeland
I've listed this article for peer review because she is currently in the spotlight having been on the cover of Time and featured on 60 Minutes in May and having gotten a groundbreaking promotion this week. I would like feedback to prepare this for WP:FAC.

Thanks, TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 19:52, 2 July 2015 (UTC)

Comments from RO

 * Lead
 * The first sentence seems to offer more info about ABT than Copeland.
 * I reordered the content in that sentence. Would you like me to end the sentence at ABT?--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 11:39, 25 August 2015 (UTC)
 * On June 30, 2015, Copeland became the first African American woman to be promoted to principal dancer in ABT's 75-year history [3][4][5] after being named one of the 100 most influential people in the world by Time the prior month.[6][7]
 * I'd rearrange this so we don't go back in time with the second clause.
 * Done.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 12:10, 23 August 2015 (UTC)


 * Per WP:LEADCITE, most if not all of these cites should be in the article body, but not the lead.
 * The 1998 legal proceedings involved filings for emancipation by Copeland and restraining orders by her mother.[9] Both sides dropped legal proceedings,
 * Copyedit this so you don't repeat "legal proceedings".
 * Done.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 04:46, 20 August 2015 (UTC)


 * Stylistically, she is considered a classical ballet dancer.[12] 
 * This seems out of place in the last paragraph. Maybe it would be better near the top.
 * Now in second sentence.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 07:13, 21 August 2015 (UTC)


 * Early life
 * Might be too much detail about her mother's marriages and boyfriends. Seems a bit off-topic.
 * Generally, we want to know a person's siblings so the remaining content about her mother is "DelaCerna, a former Kansas City Chiefs cheerleader, had studied dance.[11] She is a trained Medical Assistant, but worked mostly in sales.[13] DelaCerna is biracial (Italian and African-American) and adopted by African-American parents.[14]" The last sentence is definitely suppose to be kept. The question is whether the first and second sentence should be kept. I think the only questionable content is the first half of the second sentence. Do we want to know that Copeland's mother was a trained medical assistant.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 12:57, 10 September 2015 (UTC)
 * When she was seven, Copeland saw Nadia on Lifetime and suddenly Nadia Comăneci was her new role model.[20]
 * Casual readers might not realize that Lifetime is a television station.
 * Fixed.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 05:50, 28 August 2015 (UTC)


 * Copeland never studied ballet or gymnastics formally until her teenage years. However, she did enjoy choreographing 
 * Avoid "however" whenever possible, which is almost always.
 * O.K.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 04:05, 29 August 2015 (UTC)


 * The second paragraph is ginormous, so please split it.
 * done.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 17:38, 26 August 2015 (UTC)
 * When she got to see Paloma Herrera perform
 * Would be better to say "When she saw Paloma Herrera perform".
 * Done.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 14:44, 1 September 2015 (UTC)


 * she declined with visions of a subsequent summer with ABT.[38]
 * "visions" doesn't seem right here.
 * How is Dreams?--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 14:46, 1 September 2015 (UTC)


 * Custody case
 * Would "Custody battle" be more descriptive? Or is that too loaded?
 * Swapped out.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 01:17, 2 September 2015 (UTC)
 * Copeland lived and trained with Cynthia and Patrick Bradley for nearly three years when she was 13 years old,
 * This needs a rewrite.
 * How is it now?--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 01:20, 2 September 2015 (UTC)


 * Scan for opportunities to replace "Copeland" with a pronoun, as it seems a bit overused.
 * Done.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 04:43, 9 September 2015 (UTC)
 * American Ballet Theatre
 * Avoid using "however".
 * I think it is a good transition here.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 00:26, 4 September 2015 (UTC)
 * Getting Closer: A Dancer's Perspective (ISBN 0-8130-2768-3).
 * Drop the isbn.
 * O.K.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 00:28, 4 September 2015 (UTC)


 * Early ABT career
 * sidelined due to a lumbar stress fracture
 * Is it notable enough to explain how she sustained the injury?
 * Wouldn't you think that the reader would presume it had something to do with her ballet activities. That is my intention. I don't think that there was any specific act that caused the injury. However, I do not currently possess the source.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 02:42, 7 September 2015 (UTC)


 * medically induced physical maturation,
 * She was 19 in 2001, so what's the deal with her puberty being medically induced?
 * I have no idea how uncommon it is, but this is what the sources say. She was obviously some sort of late bloomer. Would you like the text to be changed in some way?--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 17:37, 4 September 2015 (UTC)


 * The last paragraph of this section could benefit from some copyediting to improve the prose. It's a little too like a list of facts without bullet points.
 * I'll have to call for help at WP:GOCE.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 04:06, 17 September 2015 (UTC)

The section is really long, so be sure you aren't giving us too much detail.
 * Soloist
 * The fourth paragraph needs some improvements to transition through all those points.
 * It might be helpful to separate the material to do with her books and calendars as not really about her work as a soloist ballerina.
 * I have moved some of the content out of the section.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 04:14, 17 September 2015 (UTC)
 * Endorsements
 * As with the previous sections, I worry that this is less a work of prose and more a bullet pointless list of everything she'd done. E.g., are soda commercials especially notable to her illustrious career?
 * (that was available on newstands on August 14)
 * It's not necessary to include details like this one, which only serves to bog stuff down.
 * Thanks.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 05:24, 8 September 2015 (UTC)

Overall, this is quite comprehensive, but perhaps too much so. While there is lots of details, these things need to be worked into an overarching narrative, which is currently hard to discern in places. The bones of an FA are here, but please take some care to reinforce the narrative, staring with a reevaluation of each point for notability. She's a real hero and budding icon, so it would be great to get a better sense of her life and person, versus an extended resume. There is too much detail about her mothers relationships, but I see how they helped from her life story. For example, you mention in passing her struggles with racial issues, but nothing concrete jumps out, so we don't learn anything that isn't true of pretty much anyone who is multiracial. Tie it into her story. The emphasis needs to be on Misty, not her mother. Great work overall. Thanks for working on this important topic. RO (talk) 19:15, 18 August 2015 (UTC)
 * Works
 * What happened to the calendars and youth book?
 * It seems that she has gone on to bigger things (broadway, autobiographical film, books) than making a calendar.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 04:03, 15 September 2015 (UTC)
 * The youth book release date was added.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 04:03, 15 September 2015 (UTC)
 * Conclusion
 * , I am not sure what content was excess and what content was malplaced. Now that I have reorganized the article, could you have another look. Let me know which points above still need to be addressed.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 16:18, 17 September 2015 (UTC)
 * Okay. I reread the article, and it looks much better now. I still think there's too much about Copeland's mother, but I urge you to get at least one more opinion. I might be wrong, and I don't want you to make radical changes based on only my input. Ideally, a peer review will have at least three reviewers, and five or more is even better, but that can be very difficult to achieve. Regardless, it would be wise to ask others to take a look. Sorry I can't be more help. RO (talk)  19:37, 29 September 2015 (UTC)