Wikipedia:Peer review/Miyamoto Musashi/archive1

Miyamoto Musashi
A reasonably comprehensive article, but I'd like to hear more opinions on how it can be improved. --BorgQueen 21:56, 12 November 2005 (UTC)

The lead paragraph gets bogged down in the matter of the origin of the name, which is speculative. It might be best to concentrate on his role as a warrior and artist in the opening paragraph, and reserve the matter of the name for later --- or eliminate it entirely, unless you can cite authorities for speculations. The article contains a great number of guesses, suppositions and probabilities ("may" alone marks five of these). They, too, could be attributed to specific authorities (rather than "it is said that," for example, or "the literature leaves one unsure") or eliminated. Also, as I noted on the talk page, the article contains some quotations. These need sources, if they're from translations of Musashi's works. I edited one or two, and if they do turn out to be quotations, the changes should be reverted. Of course, the quotations are in English, so there's a translator involved also, and a need to credit that person. The article includes a sentence "The idea that Musashi hated Shinto is a somewhat misconstrued translation" that is puzzling since the reader of the article has not encountered this idea earlier. A possible addition to the article is information on Musashi's influence on samurai throughout the Edo period. Fg2 08:03, 17 November 2005 (UTC)

I agree about the lead paragraph, and it was so clear to me what was needed that I moved the naming issue to the section on his training in swordsmanship and changed the first paragraph to this:
 * Miyamoto Musashi (&#23470;&#26412; &#27494;&#34101; Miyamoto Musashi, c.1584 - May 19, 1645), prior to adulthood known as Miyamoto Benosuke, was a famous Japanese swordsman, who is claimed to have been one of the most skilled swordsmen in the history of Japan. Musashi, as he is often simply known, became legendary by triumphing in numerous duels, even from a very young age.  He invented and developed the Hyoho Niten Ichi-ryu style of swordsmanship and he wrote The Book of Five Rings, an enigmatic book of strategy, tactics, and philosophy that is much studied by businesspeople and others even today.

I think this gives the reader solid reasons for his fame and I trust it is a smooth invitation to read further. Hu 10:42, 9 December 2005 (UTC)