Wikipedia:Peer review/Mortimer Wheeler/archive1

===Mortimer Wheeler=== This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because it has recently gone through GAN successfully and I'm hoping that it will go on to FAC in the near future. The article is about a prominent British archaeologist of the 20th century, so if anyone thinks that this would interest them then please do give it a read and let us know what you think!

Thanks, Midnightblueowl (talk) 10:57, 23 March 2015 (UTC) :Note: Because of its length, this peer review is not transcluded. It is still open and located at Peer review/.

Comments from Dank
Just a few copyediting comments. This looks really good. - Dank (push to talk)
 * "through he which he oversaw": probably: through which he oversaw
 * Corrected. Midnightblueowl (talk) 22:21, 1 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "Thus, the family relocated to Saltaire, a village northwest of Bradford": "Thus" is a cause-and-effect word, so it creates a garden path here, in the sense that many readers will devote some neurons to a vain search for whatever it is the new job implies (it isn't Saltaire, because not everyone who works in Bradford has to live in Saltaire). Omitting "Thus" works, I think.
 * Agreed and done. Midnightblueowl (talk) 22:21, 1 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "a cosmopolitan city in Yorkshire, northeast England which was then in the midst of the wool trade boom": A comma after "England" would help here. With or without, some readers will think the "which" modifies "northeast England", some will think "Yorkshire".
 * Agreed; I have added the comma. Midnightblueowl (talk) 22:21, 1 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "being fascinated by the area's archaeology, later describing discovering": Some may find the repetition of "ing" distracting. "and fascinated" is one possibility.
 * Changed. Midnightblueowl (talk) 22:21, 1 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "Although suffering from ill health, aided by a maid Emily Wheeler taught her two children": Although suffering from ill health, Emily Wheeler taught her two children with the help of a maid. And, what does "maid" mean here?
 * Changed and linked to maid. Midnightblueowl (talk) 22:21, 1 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "instead being far closer to his father, whose company he favoured over that of other children.": I think "but favoured the company of his father over that of other children" would suffice; it implies the bit about "far closer".
 * I'm a little concerned with this one; I'm concerned that it doesn't make the fact that he preferred his father to his mother explicit enough. Midnightblueowl (talk) 22:30, 1 April 2015 (UTC)
 * I'm not sure I agree. When I read the sentence "Mortimer remained emotionally distant from his mother, but favoured the company of his father over that of other children", it seems clear that he's closer to his father than his mother. Would it help to say "even over that of other children"? - Dank (push to talk) 23:03, 1 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "Wheeler's father was critical of formal education, thus instructing his 15-year-old son to educate himself through spending time around London; subsequently doing so, Wheeler spent much of his time visiting The National Gallery and the Victoria and Albert Museum.": could be tighter
 * I've changed the text to "Rather than being sent for a conventional education, when he was 15 Wheeler was instructed to educate himself by spending time in London, where he frequented The National Gallery and the Victoria and Albert Museum." Midnightblueowl (talk) 22:28, 1 April 2015 (UTC)
 * I got down to University and early career: 1907–14. - Dank (push to talk) 20:11, 1 April 2015 (UTC)

Comments from Tim riley
First lot of comments, to end of Career section That's all for now. More soonest. I'm enjoying making the old buzzard's acquaintance again.  Tim riley  talk    09:58, 2 April 2015 (UTC)
 * Early life
 * "née" – I think it is still usual to italicise this, though I doubt if anyone will make a fuss either way at FAC.
 * Fair enough; it has been italicised. Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:32, 2 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "Maid" – I don't think the blue link adds much
 * There's an ambiguity problem for non-Brits. I don't have a preference whether that's dealt with by a link or by choosing another word. - Dank (push to talk) 12:02, 2 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "began a Master of Arts degree in classical studies" – perhaps "began studying for a …"? One can begin a degree course, I don't think one begins a degree.
 * Agreed and changed. Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:32, 2 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "He was their only child" – but you've told us earlier about his two sisters.
 * Ah, this mistake has arisen due to a recent edit that has moved the previous sentence to a different location in the text; the "He" in question is Wheeler's own son, rather than Wheeler himself. I have corrected the problem here. Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:32, 2 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "As the Russian Empire removed itself from the war" – the last emperor abdicated in February 1917: it is still correct to write of the Russian Empire in November of that year? (It may be, but I ask the question.)
 * That's a good point, and not something that I've thought of before. I've looked it up, and in fact it would have been the short-lived Russian Republic which removed itself from the war. I have altered the prose in the article accordingly. Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:32, 2 April 2015 (UTC)
 * National Museum of Wales: 1919–26
 * "Alternate" – should be "alternative", but "other" would be shorter and better than either.
 * Changed to "alternative" (I just think that it reads a little better than "other" in this instance, if that's okay?). Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:38, 2 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "many Welsh folk" – I think you'd be safer saying "people" rather than "folk", which some might see as a patronising word.
 * Replaced. Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:38, 2 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "in order to oversee the project" – "in order to" can, and I think should, always be the less wordy "to", here and below.
 * Fair enough; I have remove three of these instances here. Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:38, 2 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "in order to both raise public awareness of archaeology and to attract new sources of funding" – you don't want the second "to" here. And please see my preceding note.
 * Done. Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:38, 2 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "although he later expressed the opinion" – this wording seems to imply a causal connection. I'd turn "although" into a semicolon.
 * Good point. Done. Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:38, 2 April 2015 (UTC)
 * London Museum: 1926–33
 * "Wheeler convinced them to increase that budget" – Americanism. You want either "Wheeler persuaded them to increase that budget" or "Wheeler convinced them that the budget should be increased". There are other such "convinced to"s later.
 * I wasn't aware that that was an Americanism, so well spotted. Changed. Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:43, 2 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "the Corporation of St. Albans" – for what it's worth, my belief is that this article will never be created, and I'd be inclined to lose the over-optimistic red link. There are a few more links in your text that I think will stay red forever, and the removal of which would make the page look more pleasing.
 * That's a difficult one. Some prefer red links to no links and others disagree; for what it's worth I really have no strong opinion on the matter. Does anyone else have a comment on the issue ? Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:43, 2 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "With Wheeler focusing his attention on potential Iron Age evidence, Tessa focused" – perhaps vary focusing/focused to focusing/concentrated or concentrating/focused?
 * The latter has been changed to "concentrated". Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:43, 2 April 2015 (UTC)
 * Institute of Archaeology: 1934–39
 * "Co-directing the project with both Tessa and the Curator of Dorset County Museum Charles Drew, the project was carried out" – dangling participle and unnecessary repetition of "project". You want something like "Co-directed by Wheeler, Tessa and the Curator of Dorset County Museum, Charles Drew, the project was carried out…"
 * Agreed and changed. Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:53, 2 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "Wheeler's dig … further criticism to be voiced of Wheeler's approach and interpretations" – a few too many Wheelers for smooth flow, perhaps. You could turn the first and third into "The", possibly.
 * I've converted both instances to "the". Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:53, 2 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "work of archaeologist Niall Sharples" – false title: definite article wanted after "of"
 * Added. Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:53, 2 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "honeymoon" – do we really need a link?
 * I'm not sure if honeymoons exist in parts of the Anglophone world (i.e. parts of Sub-Saharan Africa, the Indian subcontinent etc) so I would rather that that link stay, if that is okay ? Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:53, 2 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "he organised for the London Museum to place" – reads strangely: perhaps "…arranged for…"?
 * Changed. Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:53, 2 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "excavate the oppidum" – oppidum was italicised at earlier mention
 * I've de-italicised the first use of the term, as I'm not convinced that it requires italicisation to start with. Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:53, 2 April 2015 (UTC)
 * Archaeological Survey of India: 1944–48
 * "recommendations of archaeologist Leonard Woolley" – another false title
 * Corrected! Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:55, 2 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "a 25% budget" – the Manual of Style would have us use words for percentages in the text: "per cent" for BrEng and "percent" for AmEng.
 * Changed to "per cent". Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:55, 2 April 2015 (UTC)

That's all from me. This is a clear, well researched and readable article. Please let me know when you take it to FAC. Feel free to ping me with any queries, meanwhile. –  Tim riley  talk    08:34, 3 April 2015 (UTC)
 * Second and concluding batch from Tim
 * Between Britain and Pakistan
 * Chronology – not sure why the first two paras of this section are not in the reverse order: the events of the second largely precede those of the first.
 * Both of these paragraphs are thematically united; one focusing on Wheeler's activities in Britain, and the other on his activities in Pakistan, during the same period (he was traveling back and forth). Generally, I prefer the structure as it is (for the third paragraph deals with Pakistan too), but maybe we could see if other editors also have opinions on this issue ? Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:51, 7 April 2015 (UTC)
 * Third para – I think the WP convention that a subject's name must be used at first mention in any para is rather silly, but it is undeniably expected, and the "he" in the first sentence of the third para should be "Wheeler". You could lose the "by Wheeler" (who else?) at the end.
 * Fair point. Done. Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:51, 7 April 2015 (UTC)
 * " the Royal Commission on Historical Monuments" – you've linked to this earlier. (Incidentally, it is invariably, in my experience, referred to as "the Royal Commission on Historic Monuments", but I see, to my astonishment, that "Historical" is the authorised wording. I have put in a redirect page for the benefit of others who think it's "Historic".)
 * Link removed. Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:51, 7 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "among those who joined him were Alcock and his wife" – presumably Alcock's wife, not Wheeler's, but this is slightly ambiguous.
 * Changed to "Alcock and Alcock's wife". Midnightblueowl (talk) 19:51, 7 April 2015 (UTC)
 * Popular fame
 * "That year, Wheeler's marriage also broke down, as Kim threw him out of her house. He proceeded to move into a former brothel at 27 Whitcomb Street in central London – not wild about "threw him out": it seems rather lurid – I'd trim this to something like "That year, Wheeler's marriage broke down, and he moved from his wife's house to a former brothel at 27 Whitcomb Street in central London." (En passant, for years I used to get my hair cut in the barbers at street level below that flat. There is a commemorative plaque to Wheeler on the exterior wall.)
 * Changed. I know the barber shop that you are referring to; I've never actually been inside it but have walked past when in the area. Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:06, 7 April 2015 (UTC)
 * Media fame and public archaeology
 * "represented Wheeler's last major foray" – perhaps just "was" rather than "represented"?
 * Done. Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:06, 7 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "public engagement surrounding archaeology" – not absolutely sure what this means. Does it mean public speaking on archaeological topics?
 * Pretty much, yes, but perhaps a little more than that. He spent increasing amounts of time interacting with the public on a range of levels, whether that be on television, through lectures, or through publications. I've changed this wording to "to encouraging greater public interest in archaeology". Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:06, 7 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "Weidenfeld & Nicolson had also convinced Wheeler to work for them" – please see my earlier comment on "convince to"
 * I've changed "convinced" to "persuaded" here. Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:23, 7 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "In 1954, the tourist company R.K. Swan" – I think I'd call them "the tour company" and link to Swan Hellenic
 * Good idea! Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:06, 7 April 2015 (UTC)
 * British Academy and UNESCO
 * "According to his later biographer"– whom I'd name here
 * Done! Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:23, 7 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "Piggott claimed" – careful with "claimed", which carries overtones that you don't entirely believe the statement.
 * Changed to "stated". Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:23, 7 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "the British financial collapse of 1967" – not quite a collapse, as I recall. Better to call it a crisis.
 * Fair enough; I couldn't find any Wikipedia article that related to it, unfortunately. Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:23, 7 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "Rome" – WP:OVERLINK
 * Removed. Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:23, 7 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "convince the British government" – as above
 * Changed to "persuade". Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:23, 7 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "Paris, France" – WP:OVERLINK, and please lose the "France". Nobody reading this article will imagine Wheeler was in Paris, Arkansas.
 * But what if they thought that he was in Paris, Texas ! I see your point, and have removed it. Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:23, 7 April 2015 (UTC)
 * Final years: 1970–76
 * "St. James's Church" – I'd be inclined to pipe this as "St James's, Piccadilly".
 * Done! Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:23, 7 April 2015 (UTC)
 * Personal life
 * There's a lot of material in the last paragraph that repeats what you've told us earlier.
 * Reception and legacy
 * "Pigot claimed" – as above. And the Pigot quote beginning "the most remarkable archaeological achievement of his career…" runs to five lines on my biggest screen, and to many more on smaller ones. I realise it would mean rethinking the layout of your excellent quote boxes, but I think you ought to make this a block quote.
 * "Indian archaeologist Dilip K. Chakrabarti – false title
 * Corrected. Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:30, 7 April 2015 (UTC)
 * "On his death, H.D. Sankalia of Deccan College, Pune asserted that Wheeler was…" – on Wheeler's death, unless Sankalia spoke from the tomb. For clarity I'd write something like "On Wheeler's death, H.D. Sankalia of Deccan College, Pune, described him as…"
 * Changed. Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:30, 7 April 2015 (UTC)
 * Thank you Tim; that is much appreciated! There are still a few comments that I have yet to respond to as I look into the potential changes that can be made, but I hope to make said changes in the near future. Again, I hope that you enjoyed reading through the article, especially because of your connection to some of Wheeler's old stomping grounds in central London. All the best for now, Midnightblueowl (talk) 20:30, 7 April 2015 (UTC)