Wikipedia:Peer review/Mumbai/archive3

Mumbai
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because we want to elevate this article to FA status. This article is already a good article, a demoted FA, and a failed FAC. Comments on comprehensiveness, prose, will very much be appreciated.
 * Previous peer review

Thanks, Kensplanet TC 10:12, 7 September 2009 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This seems comprehensive and is certainly interesting and well-illustrated, and I think you are getting close again to FA. However, a close reading down through the "Civic administration" section convinces me that to succeed at FAC, you will need the help of a copyeditor who can work through the sections below "Civic administration" and also to look for things that I might have missed in the earlier sections. We are too busy at PR to do complete line-by-line copyediting of every article, though I gave it a pretty good shot to the point where I ran out of time and stopped. You might find a copyeditor listed at WP:PRV to help with the rest. In any case, here are my suggestions.

Lead
 * MOS:INTRO says in part, "The lead section should briefly summarize the most important points covered in an article in such a way that it can stand on its own as a concise version of the article." While the existing lead reads well, it doesn't mention several of what might be considered important points. A good rule of thumb is to try to include in the lead at least a mention of each of the main text sections. The existing lead doesn't mention climate, civic administration, politics, transport, utility services, culture, education, or sports. I don't think anyone would object if you added a fourth paragraph to the lead.

Captions
 * Captions that consist solely of a sentence fragment don't take a terminal period. Captions consisting of a mixture of sentence fragments and complete sentences take terminal periods at the end of each fragment and each complete sentence. Captions consisting solely of one or more complete sentences take terminal periods after each. I fixed one of these in the infobox, but I see others that need fixing further down in the article. For example, "The Chhatrapati Shivaji Terminus, formerly known as Victoria Terminus, is the headquarters of the Central Railway and a UNESCO World Heritage Site" is a complete sentence and needs a terminal period. On the other hand, " 'Mumbai' written in Marathi at the Taj Mahal Palace & Tower." is a sentence fragment and shouldn't have a terminal period.

History
 * "Pleistocene sediments found along the coastal areas around Kandivali in northern Mumbai by archaeologist Todd in 1939 suggest that these islands were inhabited since the Stone Age.[23] It is not exactly known when these islands were first inhabited." - It might be more logical to reverse the order of these two sentences.
 * "were excavated in the mid third century" - "Mid" can't stand by itself as a word.
 * "Some of the oldest edifice in the city built during this period... " - "Edifices" rather than "ediface"?
 * "The Pathare Prabhus, one of the earliest known settlers of the city," - "Among" rather than "one of" since this refers to more than one person?
 * "as part of Catherine's dowry to Charles" - Wikilink dowry?
 * "Following the transfer, Bombay was placed at the head of all the Company's establishments" - Lowercase "company's"?
 * "Following his defeat, almost the whole of the Deccan came under British suzerainty," - Should this be Deccan Plateau for readers unfamiliar with Indian geography? Should it be wikilinked?
 * "As the capital of the Bombay Presidency, it witnessed the Indian independence movement, with the Quit India Movement in 1942 and the The Royal Indian Navy Mutiny in 1946 being its most notable events." - "With" doesn't make a very good conjunction. Suggestion: "While the city was the capital of the Bombay Presidency, the Indian independence movement fostered the Quit India Movement in 1942 and the The Royal Indian Navy Mutiny in 1946." Or something like that.
 * "The past two decades have seen an increase in violence in the hitherto largely peaceful city." - This statement seems a bit odd in view of the many attacks on the city in earlier centuries. Maybe the word "hitherto" is too broad.

Geography
 * The rounding of some of the numbers in this section looks a bit off. For example, " spans a total area of 437.71 km2" gives the square-kilometers to the nearest hundredth but rounds the square miles to the nearest whole number. Since the total area may change from time to time, it might make more sense to round the square kilometer figure to 438 and say " spans a total area of about 438 km2". That has the additional advantage of being easier to read. Alternatively, if you use five significant figures for the metric units, you can use five for the imperial units by changing the rounding parameter from 0 to 2, thus: " spans a total area of 437.71 km2. I'd suggest looking at all of the other figures in this section with the rounding or significant figure questions in mind. Rounding to the nearest whole number makes more sense, I think.
 * "with elevations ranging from 10 m (33 ft) to 15 m (49 ft)" - The primary units should be spelled out, thus: 10 m to 15 m. If you use the convert template, it will automatically add the correct spellings, abbreviations, and prevent units and digits from becoming separated on computer screens by line-wrap.
 * "up to magnitude 6.5 on the Richter-scale may be expected" - Delete hyphen and wikilink Richter scale?

Climate
 * "Mumbai has a tropical climate with seven months dryness and peak of rains in July." - This should be re-cast to make clear which seven months are dry. Something like this might do: "Mumbai's tropical climate varies between a dry period extending from X to Y and a wet period peaking in July."
 * "constitutes the south-west monsoon season" - Wikilink monsoon on first use rather than later.
 * "June and September, the south west monsoon rains lash the city" - Unlink this one and hyphenate south-west for consistency.
 * "3,452 millimetres (135.9 in) in 1954.[122] The highest rainfall recorded in a single day was 944 millimetres (37.17 in)" - This section has rounding and sig fig questions also. The first pair is OK if you want to give four significant figures, but the second one (944 and 37.17) uses three sig figs for the millimetres and four for the inches. It would be more accurate to round 37.17 to 37.2.
 * "The average total annual rainfall is 2,146.6 millimetres (84.51 in) in the Island City, and 2,457 millimetres (96.73 in) in the suburbs." The first pair here uses five sig figs for the millimetres but only four for the inches and four each for the next pair (which is being compared to the first pair). Since these numbers are averages that change slightly with each passing year, it would be more accurate (and easier to read) if you rounded them to "about 2150 mm", etc. Each of these statistical claims bears close examination to decide whether it's better to give a precise figure, as it might be in the case of a single historical record-setter, or a rounded figure, as it might be in the case of a yearly average subject to fluctuations with the passage of time and of doubtful meaning when expanded to the right of the decimal point. Thus, it would seem more accurate to say "The average annual temperature is about 27 C rather than "27.2 °C (81.0 °F)". I hope this makes sense.

Economy
 * "The port and shipping industry is well established, with Mumbai Port being one of the oldest and most significant ports in India." - Suggestion: "The port and shipping industry is well-established; Mumbai Port is one of the oldest and most significant ports in India."
 * "The centre of the Hindi movie industry, Bollywood is the largest film producer in India... " - Needs a comma after Bollywood.
 * "the finance boom in the mid-nineties and the IT" - Wikilink and spell out as well as abbreviate IT, thus: information technology (IT)?

Civic administration
 * "An Assistant Municipal Commissioner" - Lowercase "assistant municipal commissioner" since it is being used here in a generic sense. Ditto "councillors", "municipal corporations", "district collector", "deputy commissioner of police", etc.

References
 * Citation 4 is incomplete.
 * Citation 97 has a dead url.
 * The dabfinder tool that lives here finds a link that goes to a disambiguation page rather than its intended target.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 19:07, 15 September 2009 (UTC)