Wikipedia:Peer review/Murder of Ennis Cosby/archive1

Murder of Ennis Cosby
I've listed this article for peer review because… I created this article after being surprised it did not exist. If such a thing happened today, it would immediately have its own Wiki article with hundreds of editors updating it around the clock. Only one other person has edited this article since I created it. I would like to nominate it for FA, even though it's about an unfortunate event. It seems with all the drama and headlines surrounding Bill Cosby, people have forgotten about this tragedy.

Thanks, —Мандичка YO 😜 05:41, 27 July 2015 (UTC)

Comments from RO

 * Lead
 * Subsequently, Markhasev was tried and convicted of first-degree murder and attempted robbery on July 7, 1998.
 * Words like Subsequently are rarely helpful in encyclopedic writing, but if I was going to use it here I'd include it after Markhasev; i.e., "Markhasev was subsequently tried and convicted".


 * He was sentenced to life in prison in August 1998
 * I would state "The following month, he was sentenced to life in prison".


 * when he admitted committing the murder and asked that appeals in his case stop.[2]
 * Per WP:LEADCITE, this citation belongs in the body, not the lead.


 * Murder
 * where he was working toward his doctorate in special education.
 * "working toward" might not be the best phrasing here.


 * He had graduated from Morehouse College in 1992, despite struggling with dyslexia, and planned to set up a school for children with learning disabilities.[1]
 * I'd rewrite this as, "Despite struggling with dyslexia, he graduated from Morehouse College in 1992, and planned to set up a school for children with learning disabilities.[1]"


 * Cosby was visiting friends in Los Angeles and driving north on Interstate 405 through the Sepulveda Pass when
 * I'd rewrite this so it isn't awkward to say he was "visiting friends and driving".


 * Aftermath
 * high number of calls asking how Cosby's memory could be honored
 * Do you mean to say, "the high number of callers"?

Media criticism
 * This might be better as "criticism of the media", because it sounds like the media is criticizing someone.
 * Rewards
 * A$25,000 reward offered by Los Angeles County was similarly withdrawn at the family's request.
 * Add a space before $25,000.


 * Investigation and trial
 * The first paragraph of this section needs a closing citation, as does the last sentence of the second paragraph. Always include one whenever breaking across paragraphs or sections.
 * The police received more than 800 tips they were investigating
 * This is kinda cluncky. How did they receive the tips they were already investigating?


 * He was ultimately apprehended in March after the 
 * Since the last year given is 1989, you should include the year of his arrest here for the sake of clarity.


 * while some of his friends initially stated they did not believe he was guilty
 * I question the relevance of this statement. I'd remove it.


 * The grand jury was convened three months after the murder
 * I'd make the timeline clearer by not expecting the reader to figure out which month and year we are talking about. Don't make them do this much math.


 * Markhasev refused to tell them what had happened, but they stopped at a wooded area that matched the description of where the murder weapon was later discovered.
 * This is a little confusing. Is this how the friends realized what they had been involved with?


 * Markhasev told him he killed Cosby
 * Not sure of the relevance here.


 * testified in Cosby's two-week trial in July 1998
 * Shouldn't this be Markhasev's trial?


 * in which he admitted the murder
 * Try, "in which he confessed to the murder"


 * 2002 confession
 * asking that all appeals in his case stopOn January 18, two days after the murder,
 * Rewrite this so it's less clunky.


 * Markhasev wrote to Brodie that he had killed Cosby 
 * I'd replace "wrote to" with "admitted to".

Not too bad overall. Some of the prose needs a little work, but nothing too major. RO (talk) 16:40, 13 August 2015 (UTC)
 * Conclusion

Comments from Calvin999

 * Cosby, 27, the only son of comedian Bill Cosby, was shot in → Aged 27, Crosby was shot in
 * I'd move 'the only son of comedian Bill Cosby' to the end of the lead, but it's not really the focus point of this article. Although, he wasn't the only child, just the only son, so I'm not entirely sure that this is relevant at all.
 * in a failed robbery attempt. → Was Crosby involved in the robbery or innocent bystander?
 * Link first-degree murder
 * prison in August 1998. → prison the following month.
 * admitted committing → admitted to committing
 * in his case stop. → in his case be stopped.
 * Cosby, 27, was → Aged 27 at the time of his death, he was
 * and planned → and had planned
 * to offer condolences. → to offer their condolences.
 * funeral held → funeral was held
 * of calls of complaint, → of complaints
 * from the Cosbys as → Shouldn't Crosbys be Crosby's?
 * On January 18, two days after the murder, → Two days following the murder,
 * the fledgling → What is the significance of including this?
 * rescinded the offer Davis had made, → rescinded Davis' offer,
 * A $25,000 reward from the City of Los Angeles and a $15,000 reward from Los Angeles County were similarly withdrawn following the family's request. Tabloid newspapers The Globe ($200,000) and the National Enquirer ($100,000) also offered rewards for information that were not withdrawn. → This needs sourcing.
 * stated they →stated that they
 * The grand jury was convened three months after the murder. Markhasev was charged with first-degree murder and attempted robbery. As Cosby was murdered during a robbery attempt, it elevated the murder to a capital offense, special circumstances that made Markhasev eligible for the death penalty if convicted. → This needs sourcing too. Quite a lot of sentences/paragraphs are completely unsourced.
 * years, in prison. → You don't need a comma here
 * Markhasev wrote to Brodie → Markhasev informed Brodie

Really interesting article. Please ping me if you have any comments. — Calvin999 21:12, 29 August 2015 (UTC)

Comments from SNUGGUMS
Not a bad article overall, but this is definitely going to need some work before it can become an FA. Snuggums (talk / edits) 04:53, 30 August 2015 (UTC)
 * "an acquaintance of the shooter"..... is this acquaintance's name known?
 * "Subsequently, Markhasev was tried and convicted" → "Markhasev was subsequently tried and convicted"
 * "he wanted to do the right thing by confessing" sounds too informal, just go with "he wanted to confess to the murder".
 * Did anything happen to Markhasev after confessing?
 * I also share Calvin999's concerns, especially with referencing. As a rule of thumb, every paragraph should end with at least one in-text citation. If multiple sources are needed to support a paragraphs content, use more references as necessary.
 * "The" is part of the title for The New York Times