Wikipedia:Peer review/Murder of Marwa El-Sherbini/archive1

Murder of Marwa El-Sherbini
This peer review discussion has been closed. I would like to get feedback on whether this article is:


 * "well-written: its prose is engaging, even brilliant, and of a professional standard"

or not. If not what than could be done to improve it on this matter.

Many thanks, Mootros (talk) 13:51, 13 June 2010 (UTC)

Comments by User:GeeJo
First-pass comments:
 * The lead image *does* have alt text, but it's not really serving its intended purpose. See WP:ALT for guidelines on that.


 * The remaining images have no alt text at all. Again, consult WP:ALT for help.


 * A couple of very short sections. Might be worth looking at condensing those under more general headings

Second-pass comments:
 * Lede: trialed => tried


 * Lede: Might be worth changing the first appearance of "the assailant" to "Wiens". The clarification is probably unnecessary, but doesn't hurt after the previous two sentences introduce two people who might also be considered assailants.


 * Lede: "widespread international reactions" is tautological.


 * Lede: Might be worth stressing that the most vocal reactions were from predominantly Muslim nations. If they weren't, then the reactions sections below are focused too much on those countries.


 * Lede: "initial confrontation between the victim and perpetrator", again, use names where you can. No need to be roundabout.
 * Lede: "because she wore an Islamic headscarf that identified her religion." reads as slightly repetitious. There's a better way to phrase this.


 * Lede: "Following anti-German sentiments" sentiments aren't an action, they can't be followed.


 * Lede: "federal German government" federal is redundant.


 * Lede: "more than a week after the incident" is unnecessarily vague. "X days/weeks/etc" would be better.


 * Lede: Be consistent with Wiens's/Wiens', "Wiens's trial for murder" v. "Wiens' defence lawyer"


 * Lede: Occurred => took place. Though this is more personal taste than anything. Nothing wrong with occurred.


 * Marwa: This section reads more as a collection of factoids than as a narrative. Not sure how to help you there, really. Maybe try a slightly less formal tone, but don't take it too far.


 * Marwa: "was born in Alexandria, Egypt, as..." needs a date, or at least a year. I shouldn't have to read the infobox for that.


 * Marwa: "as daughter of chemists Ali El-Sherbini and Laila Shams" ungrammatical


 * Marwa: "In 1995 she graduated" needs a comma


 * Marwa: "also acted" => "had acted"


 * Marwa: "read pharmacy" is perfectly correct, but I'd personally use "study" over "read"
 * Marwa: "at Alexandria University and obtained" => "at Alexandria University, obtaining/receiving"


 * Marwa: "Egypt national handball team. [5]" remove the space between the full stop and the reference tag.


 * Marwa: "expecting her second child to be born in Germany." unnecessary qualifier.
 * This has consistently been brought up. Without the qualifier it was questioned whether the pregnancy became know through an autopsy or the likes...


 * Alex: do we have a birthdate for him?


 * Alex: "After leaving school, he" did he graduate, or just leave?
 * Very difficult point... He attended secondary eduction, but gained an "intermediated secondary eduction qualification" equivalent to the German Hauptschulabschluss. The source term is not known; nor is there an equivalent term in the target language English.


 * Alex: "he completed a vocational training programme as a warehouseman." It's correct, but the "as a warehouseman" bugs me for some reason. I don't know, might just be me.
 * It does bug me too; it's a translation of the German construct "Lagerfacharbeiter". In the German context of a vocational eduction it sounds fine, but yes it's odd in English, despite the fact I am not entirely sure about the Russian context of vocational eduction...


 * Alex: "In 1999 after a medical examination" either reverse the clauses or insert a comma after 1999. Alternatively, rephrase the whole sentence to something like this:
 * "After being diagnosed with (a?) severe and chronic psychosis during a medical examination in 1999, Wiens was exempted from compulsory service in the Russian armed forces"
 * I see. I've changed this slightly not to give the impression that he happened to go the doctors and got diagnosed. Although a medical examination for conscription may give some tentative diagnosis of a condition or may refer to previous diagnosis, it primarily states whether fit for service or not. It's not known where the "diagnosis" came from.


 * Alex: "Germany and gained German citizenship as a result of his German ethnic origin. In Germany" Wow, that's a dense batch of Germany.


 * Alex: How long had he been unemployed/receiving benefits?
 * It's not known.


 * Alex: "In November 2009, at the time of sentencing to life imprisonment," Jumping the gun. This is the first mention that he's serving a life sentence, and it really isn't the place for it.


 * Alex: "not married and had no children" => "unmarried with no children". Though given the opening to the next section, you may want to clarify about his niece.

Bleh. I had planned on going through the entire article in detail, but it's coming up on 1am here. I'll finish this tomorrow. GeeJo (t)⁄(c) &bull; 23:45, 18 June 2010 (UTC)
 * Thank you for the detailed comments so far. A great start! Mootros (talk) 08:59, 19 June 2010 (UTC)