Wikipedia:Peer review/Nathan Drake (character)/archive1

Nathan Drake (character)
This peer review discussion has been closed. I am aware that this article is young (very, very young, as it was created yesterday), but I've listed it for peer review because, comparing it to other FA video game character articles, I believe it is close to the quality generally looked for. However, I generally have issues copyediting and finding problems within my own work, so I feel I need other, objective editors to come and tell me what is wrong with it ;). But really, I'd like to hear what others have to say about improving the article to that kind of level.

Thanks and Cheers! Scapler (talk) 19:36, 11 December 2009 (UTC)

Heh, thanks for the kind comparison to Master Chief, but I've been meaning to spruce that guy up for a while... Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs ( talk ) 04:10, 12 December 2009 (UTC) Good work, Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs ( talk ) 15:35, 12 December 2009 (UTC)
 * Overall, a very good article, I'd say it's definitely GA-worthy, and quite close to FA off the bat. I'm pleasantly surprised there's so much info about the guy, but then again I don't pay attention to PS3 news :)
 * The prose has some issues with repetition and somewhat long phrases (using two words when one will suffice, etc.) An example is the second paragraph of the lead, where there's lots of repetitious wording and phrasing: "Naughty Dog designed Drake to resemble the heroes of Pulp magazines, novels, and films. In an effort to make the character relatable to players, they gave Drake an everyman persona, with his costume consisting of a white or black t-shirt and a pair of jeans. Drake's persona derived inspiration from a variety of sources, including Johnny Knoxville and Harrison Ford, with aspects from other action-adventure characters drawn from. The directors gave North the opportunity to influence the character himself, allowing him to ad-lib lines and influence the direction of the character as well. Drake possess a strong personality, and often makes wisecracks and quips during the game. The designers gave him realistic reactions to his environments, so that he stumbles while running, just barely makes jumps, and recognizes how absurd the situations he finds himself in are." Since this is the lead, you can probably condense this information a little more and streamline it.
 * Some accessibility concerns: we should give readers the bare minimum of knowledge to comprehend the article, making sure they don't have to link out of the page (following wikilinks) to learn necessary information. In that spirit, explain who Knoxville and Ford are (daredevil Johnny Knoxville, etc.); what the PlayStation 3 is, Lara Croft and Jones, etc., and not just in the lead.
 * Is that GameDaily mention really important enough to mention in the lead? I feel like the previous sentence is a better finisher.
 * Everything should be linked in the article body once, even if linked in the lead.
 * Who is Kory Heinzen? Naughty Dog? After you explain who they are, you don't need to keep saying "Naughty Dog staff".
 * Once you've said Nathan Drake in the body, just switch to Drake.
 * MoS stuff: There's some elements that need to be italicized (National Treasure, Develop Magazine, et al), and you've got curly quotes ’ in some quotations and other areas that need to be converted to straight quotes (find and replace works wonders here.)
 * If there's less than three sentences to a paragraph, it's not a real paragraph and needs to be merged (see last bit of development, etc.)
 * I'm not sure about "Hennig - "We deliberately costumed him very simply..." in terms of actual grammatical correctness and if this is an acceptable style for encyclopedia writing (plus, even I don't know WP:MOSDASH, this prolly runs afoul o' that.) I would just change it over to "Said Hennig" or something like that.
 * Outward appearance has another quasi paragraph, and I think would flow better by breaking up Hennig's quote. Star off with his shirt and clothing (the beginning of the first paragraph, then the third paragraph), and then talk about his face and his physique.
 * It'd be nice to discuss the dates of release for the games (in appearance or somewhere in the article.)
 * The merchandise and promotion section could use some beefing up with info from the latest game promotion, methinks.
 * The reception is a bit choppy (there are some incomplete sentences, such as "With Now Gamer claiming Drake as the new PlayStation 3 poster boy."
 * References:
 * Current ref 21 has the copypaste code from G4 in the title (it's annoying, they must have just implemented that I think.)
 * If you're going to use cite video game without using the built-in quote parameter (my personal choice), I would suggest using quotes and em dashes to distinguish between the citation and the cited material (see what I did in Halo Wars for what I'm talking about.)
 * In terms of citations you're going to have to justify at an FAC... Joystiq, Kombo, CIO.de, Bitmob, vg247
 * Images: Given that there's so little change between the final design and the game character, I don't think File:Nathan Drake concept art.png has much justification per WP:NFCC. Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs ( talk ) 15:35, 12 December 2009 (UTC)
 * I'll take a look through my LexisNexis and Proquest subscriptions and see if there's any print material that might be used to add or verify things in the article. Send me an email and I'll reply with a PDF attachment (can't send attachments through the wiki-interface.)