Wikipedia:Peer review/Nexus 7/archive1

Nexus 7
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because…the article has just passed a GA nomination, and I'm looking for flaws within the article prior to a FA candidacy. The more criticisms, the merrier :).

Thanks, --Sp33dyphil ©hatontributions 10:36, 6 September 2012 (UTC)


 * Wikipedian Penguin comments

Hello, Sp33dyphil. Congratulations of the good article promotion. I've had a look at this article, and it appears to be in alright shape. If you don't mind, I'd like to offer some suggestions to help guide the copyediting.
 * "...it is emphasized as an entertainment device with integration with Google Play..." – this would sound nicer and more pleasant if there was only one "with".
 * Done. ✅ --Sp33dyphil ©hatontributions 03:06, 8 September 2012 (UTC)


 * "Reviewers have noted the absence of expandable storage and cellular connectivity." – because this is negative, perhaps a smooth transition would be nice for this sentence (eg. however, but, etc.)
 * Done. ✅ --Sp33dyphil ©hatontributions 03:01, 8 September 2012 (UTC)


 * "To work on the project..." – awkward transition
 * Replaced with "To proceed with the project..." ✅ --Sp33dyphil ©hatontributions 03:01, 8 September 2012 (UTC)


 * Pardon me nitpicking, but "On June 25, 2012, gadget website Gizmodo Australia claimed it had access to specifications of the tablet, most of which were correct including storage options, screen resolution, and recommended retail prices." – what you mean to say may not be what is being said. The sentence is right now saying that most of the tablet's actual specs were correct (?), not that the information Gizmodo had was mostly correct. A bit strangely worded.
 * "most of" removed. ✅ --Sp33dyphil ©hatontributions 03:01, 8 September 2012 (UTC)


 * "In early September 2012" but "late-August"? Be consistent with hyphens.
 * Done. ✅ --Sp33dyphil ©hatontributions 03:01, 8 September 2012 (UTC)

I did a rough copy edit of the first two sections. More comments to come. — WP: PENGUIN  · [ TALK ]  02:09, 8 September 2012 (UTC)
 * "allowing users from the outset to further develop the OS, and/or root the device, which means to gain legitimate privileged control in Android's subsystem." – per WP:ANDOR, "and/or" is discouraged
 * Done. ✅ --Sp33dyphil ©hatontributions 00:47, 9 September 2012 (UTC)


 * "...with the device weighing..." – fused participle
 * Done. ✅ --Sp33dyphil ©hatontributions 00:47, 9 September 2012 (UTC)


 * "Google claims the Nexus 7 has 9 hours of HD video playback, 10 hours of web browsing or e-reading, and 300 hours on standby." – needs clarifiation. For a read who is unfamiliar with computer specs, this sentence can be unclear. Readers should know that you are referring to the battery life. — WP: PENGUIN  · [ TALK ]  14:55, 8 September 2012 (UTC)
 * Done. ✅ --Sp33dyphil ©hatontributions 00:47, 9 September 2012 (UTC)


 * Comments from Nikkimaria
 * Lots of links to dab pages - please correct
 * Done. ✅ --Sp33dyphil ©hatontributions 22:53, 20 September 2012 (UTC)


 * "7-inch (180 mm) diagonal screen" - you might want to re-arrange this, as my first reaction was "what's a diagonal screen"?


 * Removed diagonal -- others didn't know what a 7-in display meant. ✅ --Sp33dyphil ©hatontributions 22:53, 20 September 2012 (UTC)


 * "it is emphasized as an entertainment device" - word choice
 * Could a suggestion be provided?
 * "Emphasized" doesn't fit as written. You could rework to "Its utility as an entertainment device is emphasized by X", or you could use "primarily an entertainment device", "marketed as", etc. Nikkimaria (talk) 03:16, 23 September 2012 (UTC)


 * "Walter Mossberg (left), David Pogue (middle) and MG Siegler (not shown)" - so if the third guy isn't shown, how do you have someone in the middle?
 * Done. ✅ --Sp33dyphil ©hatontributions 22:53, 20 September 2012 (UTC)


 * "following...Following" - repetitive
 * Done. ✅ --Sp33dyphil ©hatontributions 22:53, 20 September 2012 (UTC)


 * "late-August" - why the hyphen?
 * Done. ✅ --Sp33dyphil ©hatontributions 22:53, 20 September 2012 (UTC)


 * "despite what conventional wisdom says is possible" - leaning a bit POV here
 * Removed. ✅ --Sp33dyphil ©hatontributions 22:53, 20 September 2012 (UTC)


 * "The firm's senior analyst Andrew Rassweiler suggested that the success of the HP TouchPad's fire sale helped increase the commercial viability of low-cost tablets from major brands, and the failures of other high-end tablets helped lower the cost of parts, making low-cost tablets like the Kindle Fire and Nexus 7 possible" - how many times do you have the words "low" and "cost" in that sentence?
 * Done. ✅ --Sp33dyphil ©hatontributions 22:53, 20 September 2012 (UTC)


 * "Google I/O attendants" - do you mean attendees or employees?
 * Done. ✅ --Sp33dyphil ©hat<sub style='position: relative; left: -1.5em;'>ontributions 22:53, 20 September 2012 (UTC)


 * "as an inability" - missing word here, maybe "demonstrating"?
 * Done. ✅ --Sp33dyphil ©hat<sub style='position: relative; left: -1.5em;'>ontributions 22:53, 20 September 2012 (UTC)


 * "early–September 2012" - why the dash?
 * Removed. ✅ --Sp33dyphil ©hat<sub style='position: relative; left: -1.5em;'>ontributions 22:53, 20 September 2012 (UTC)

Stopping here for now, more later. Nikkimaria (talk) 13:05, 17 September 2012 (UTC)
 * "the Nexus 7 is first device" - grammar
 * Please check. --Sp33dyphil ©hat<sub style='position: relative; left: -1.5em;'>ontributions 23:02, 20 September 2012 (UTC)
 * Looks good. Nikkimaria (talk) 03:16, 23 September 2012 (UTC)


 * "unlike previous iterations of the Android OS" - what did they use?
 * Done. ✅ --Sp33dyphil ©hat<sub style='position: relative; left: -1.5em;'>ontributions 22:53, 20 September 2012 (UTC)


 * "can translate languages" - spoken, written, or both? Any language, or a limited set?
 * Done. ✅ --Sp33dyphil ©hat<sub style='position: relative; left: -1.5em;'>ontributions 22:53, 20 September 2012 (UTC)


 * "In an interview with Andy Rubin, co-founder and former CEO of Android Inc., the emphasis of Google Play comes after..." - this doesn't make sense as written
 * Please check. --Sp33dyphil ©hat<sub style='position: relative; left: -1.5em;'>ontributions 23:02, 20 September 2012 (UTC)
 * No, you need some kind of link between the interview and the content statement – either change "In" to "According to", or add "he suggested that" or similar before "the emphasis". Nikkimaria (talk) 03:16, 23 September 2012 (UTC)


 * "hardware is the primarily determining factor" - do you mean "primary"?
 * Done. ✅ --Sp33dyphil ©hat<sub style='position: relative; left: -1.5em;'>ontributions 22:53, 20 September 2012 (UTC)


 * Wikilink chassis?
 * Done. ✅ --Sp33dyphil ©hat<sub style='position: relative; left: -1.5em;'>ontributions 22:53, 20 September 2012 (UTC)


 * "198.5 mm (7.81 in) long, 120 millimetres (4.7 in) wide..." - okay, two issues here: you previously led with the imperial measurement and are now switching, and why is the first measurement abbreviated while the second is not?
 * Done. ✅ --Sp33dyphil ©hat<sub style='position: relative; left: -1.5em;'>ontributions 22:53, 20 September 2012 (UTC)


 * "compared to 264 ppi of the more expensive third-generation iPad" - grammar
 * "Two models of the Nexus 7..." - this paragraph has lots of redundancy, could be more concise
 * Done. ✅ --Sp33dyphil ©hat<sub style='position: relative; left: -1.5em;'>ontributions 22:53, 20 September 2012 (UTC)


 * "On the downside" - tone
 * Replaced. ✅ --Sp33dyphil ©hat<sub style='position: relative; left: -1.5em;'>ontributions 22:53, 20 September 2012 (UTC)


 * "Critics particularly praised..." - some tense shifting in this paragraph, try to stay consistent
 * Please check --Sp33dyphil ©hat<sub style='position: relative; left: -1.5em;'>ontributions 23:02, 20 September 2012 (UTC)
 * Good. Nikkimaria (talk) 03:16, 23 September 2012 (UTC)


 * "This sentiment is similarly voiced by Melissa Perenson of PCWorld," - needs a short transition after comma before quote
 * Done. ✅ --Sp33dyphil ©hat<sub style='position: relative; left: -1.5em;'>ontributions 22:53, 20 September 2012 (UTC)


 * "Asus and Google are expected to sell 3–4 million units in 2012,[70] accounting for six million tablets Asus is expecting to sell for the year" - not sure I understand what you're trying to say
 * Reworded. ✅ --Sp33dyphil ©hat<sub style='position: relative; left: -1.5em;'>ontributions 22:53, 20 September 2012 (UTC)


 * Why is the list of "Similar devices" in See also different from the list of "Related articles" in the infobox?
 * Removed. ✅ --Sp33dyphil ©hat<sub style='position: relative; left: -1.5em;'>ontributions 22:53, 20 September 2012 (UTC)

Note: did not look at sourcing. Nikkimaria (talk) 15:50, 17 September 2012 (UTC)