Wikipedia:Peer review/Ninja Gaiden (Nintendo Entertainment System)/archive1

Ninja Gaiden (Nintendo Entertainment System)
This peer review discussion has been closed. I had a recently-failed FAC on this article a little over a month ago. I've been working quite a bit since then in finding and incorporating print sources (mostly from 1989) to provide more outside coverage of this NES game in that I think it pretty much meets 1b of WP:FA?; the article has been expanded by about 14KB in size and about 5000 characters more of prose, including coverage of the game in 1989, coverage of the mobile phone version, and awards.

Before I take another crack at FAC, I'd like to see if someone can check the prose and see if there are any shortcomings or problems in there that I wouldn't be aware of. Also, I did just expand the lead from two to three full paragraphs; if it's a bit too large, let me know, and I can shorten it up a little.

Thank you, –MuZemike 23:09, 22 March 2010 (UTC)

Comments
 * At FAC, the prose has to be brilliant or damn close. In Reception, I see "Nintendo Power" eight times in the prose—there's one paragraph with four of them.  See if you can use "the magazine" or some pronoun more often.
 * Removed four extra mentions . –MuZemike 16:47, 24 March 2010 (UTC)


 * Walter tells Ryu of an evil demon in which "SHINOBI" defeated and confined his power into two "Light" and "Shadow" demon statues.—doesn't look grammatical. The "in" is needed for the power confinement, but doesn't sound right for the defeat.  Maybe Walter tells Ryu of an evil demon in which  that "SHINOBI" defeated and confined his power into two "Light" and "Shadow" demon statues., but then I'm not sure how "his power" would fit in (or whether it is necessary).  I think it may need to be split to two sentences.
 * How about this? Walter tells Ryu of an evil demon that "SHINOBI" defeated and whose power was confined into two "Light" and "Shadow" demon statues. –MuZemike 16:47, 24 March 2010 (UTC)
 * Sounds good. --an odd name 17:16, 24 March 2010 (UTC)

More later, maybe. --an odd name 21:45, 23 March 2010 (UTC)