Wikipedia:Peer review/Nintendo DSi/archive1

Nintendo DSi
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review to avoid nuisances at FAC.
 * Parallel review: WikiProject Video games/Peer review/Nintendo DSi

Thanks,  « ₣M₣ »  02:56, 14 October 2009 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This seems comprehensive to me, an outsider. It's stable, and reasonably well-written in most places, though I have some concerns, noted below, about prose and style issues. The images need alt text. The text is jargon-heavy in places, and this could be troubling for non-gamers who are trying to understand the subject. Here are a few suggestions for further improvement.

Images
 * Alt text for images is now a requirement for FA. It describes image content to readers who can't see the images and have to rely on machine read-outs of the text. WP:ALT explains how to write alt text and where to put it, and you can see recent alt text in articles at WP:FAC.
 * The source link on the license page for Image:Dsi closed traced.svg is circular; that is, it says in effect, "the source of the image is the image". Fact-checkers need to be able to check the source in a context that will allow them to verify that the image is free, as claimed.

Lead
 * MOS:INTRO says in part, "The lead section should briefly summarize the most important points covered in an article in such a way that it can stand on its own as a concise version of the article." The existing lead says nothing about "Reception".
 * Wikilink iteration in the first sentence of the lead?

Development
 * "unveiled the console on October 2, 2008 during a Nintendo Conference in Tokyo" - Full dates like this one need a comma after the year; i.e., "October 2, 2008, during... ".
 * "its predecessors which was shared among multiple members of a household" - Subject-verb agreement: "were" rather than "was"

Demographic and sales
 * "After the success of its predecessor, the DSi is intended to help expand its market from "one DS per household" to "one DS per person".[17] Satoru Iwata, president and CEO of Nintendo, mentioned game consoles are shared by multiple members within a household. In order to narrow the gap between DS's owned per household and actual DS users per household, the company will attempt to make the DS a more personalized experience to appeal to each family member of a household." - I had a strange sensation of deja vu when I read this because it's repeated word-for-word in the lead and also because the idea of one console per person is also repeated in the "History" section. I'd suggest revising a bit for more variety and less repetition.

Hardware
 * "The console has two larger TFT-LCD screens at 3.25 inches, instead of the former 3 inches... " - In the "History" section, you use metric for the primary unit and convert to imperial for the secondary unit. Here you give the dimensions only in imperial. I think it's OK to stick with metric as the primary in this article, but you need to be consistent and to add conversions. I like to use the convert template for these because it spells and abbreviates correctly as well as doing the math.
 * "and it may be replaced by the user at the end of its useful life of approximately five hundred charge cycles" - "500" instead of "five hundred" for consistency?

Technical specifications and Features
 * "such as the main CPU and the RAM" - Spell out and abbreviate these terms on first use as you did with Game Boy Advance (GBA)?
 * Explain or link "Codec IC"?
 * Spell out and abbreviate MHz, MB, SD, SDHC, AAC, Wi-Fi, WEP, WPA for readers unfamiliar with the abbreviations?

Software library
 * "Both will utilize the DSi's camera." - "Use" is preferred to "utilize".
 * "The applications are either free, or cost 200, 500, or 800+ (marked with a "Premium" tag) points." - How much do the points cost?
 * "A DSiWare trial campaign offers 1,000 Points to each DSi that accesses its shop application." - "Accesses its shop application" is a bit mysterious and probably qualifies as jargon. Could this be rendered in plain English?

Reception
 * "The Nintendo DSi received mixed to positive reviews soon after its launch, with many websites and reviewers differing as to whether it is worth upgrading from the DS Lite." - "With" makes a weak conjunction. Suggestion: "The Nintendo DSi received mixed to positive reviews soon after its launch. Websites and reviewers disagreed about whether the upgrade from the DS Lite was worthwhile."
 * "significant new features, and is primarily a vehicle for DRM" - Another mystery abbreviation. Please spell out as well as abbreviate on first use.
 * "General opinion showed disappointment with the absence of the GBA slot, although it was considered a reasonable tradeoff for downloadable content and accessibility to an SD card that will differ based on user preference." - Dangling modifier? It's not entirely clear from this whether you mean that users will choose different SD cards or that they will differ about the absence of the GBA slot.
 * "Since this DS iteration has a similar overall design to and is similarly portable as its predecessor as well as add new features... " - Something's missing from this part of the sentence.

I hope these suggestions are helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 20:27, 26 October 2009 (UTC)
 * Yes, a lot were actually helpful. I expected such a detailed look (prose and style issues) at FAC, not the other way around. Thanks.  « ₣M₣ »  16:38, 28 October 2009 (UTC)