Wikipedia:Peer review/Nintendo DSi/archive2

Nintendo DSi
This peer review discussion has been closed. I'm submitting this one for prose comments, considerations, any possible issues, et al. Thanks,  « ₣M₣ »  04:13, 18 April 2011 (UTC)
 * Previous peer review

Ruhrfisch comments: Thanks for your work on this article. It seems to have all the information needed, but the prose could use a copyedit before FAC (assume that is the next stop as it is already a GA). Here are some suggestions for improvement.

Lead History Launch Demographic and sales 'Hardware Features and Software library and Reception and legacy
 * In the lead I would say something like "in 2008 and 2009" or perhaps "in late 2008 and late 2009" in The Nintendo DSi (ニンテンドーDSi, Nintendō DSi?)[1] is a handheld game system created by Nintendo and released between 2008 and 2009 in Japan, Australasia, Europe, North America, China and other regions through various distributors. I am also not sure that "through various distributors" is needed in the lead - seems a bit too detailed for an overview
 * Whatever you do there, I would do something very similar for A larger model, entitled Nintendo DSi XL, was released between 2009 and 2010 in Japan, Europe, North America and other regions through various distributors.
 * Watch WP:OVERLINKing - does it really enhance the reader's understanding to have a link to common words like Household?
 * Awkward phrase ... its added functionality caused many to recommend it to non-owners of prior DS models. non-owners??
 * Would it make sense to add a little bit of background about the two previous DS prodects here, to start? Perhaps a sentence or two on the DS and DS lite either at the beginning of the current first paragraph or as its own paragraph to provide context to the reader
 * In History, "Conception" seems like the wrong word - perhaps "Development"? Conception of the Nintendo DSi began at the end of 2006, around the time of the Wii's release.[2]
 * I do not understand the word "marketing" in Kuwahara reported that his team had difficulty marketing the handheld during production; he said of their goal, "We have to be able to sell the console on its own. It also has to be able to meld into the already-existing DS market."[2]  How can you market something that does not yet exist? Also production to me sounds like it is being manufactured already (fake quote "Our state of the art production facility can produce N million DSi units a year.") Does it mean something like "Kuwahara reported tht his team had difficulty determining the potential market for the handheld during the design process;..."
 * Also do not understand this ...as their circular perforations were redundant with the rest of the handheld's interface. By the way, mentioning the features of the original DS and DS lite in a background paragraph (does not have to be its own section) would probably help here too (since this refers to the touchscreen and microphone too)
 * Really long sentence - split in two? So something like He believed that this alteration also signaled a clearer distinction between the DSi and its predecessors while keeping the unit "neat" and "simple". Ehara hoped the DSi's added features would not interfere with his desired iconic image of the Nintendo DS product line: two rectangles, one on top of the other, with each half containing another rectangle, the sceen, inside.[2]
 * Awkward, suggest something like However, Kuwahara said of the console's in-company unveiling in October 2007 that "the response wasn’t that great, and, ... we’d sort of been expecting that." Consequently, the second game card slot was removed, which made the handheld approximately 3 millimetres (0.12 in) slimmer.[2] This model was publicly revealed at the October 2008 Nintendo Conference in Tokyo, along with its Japanese price and release date.[3]
 * I assume this is going to be the DSi XL, but needs to be made clearer. Perhaps add something like "Devolpment of the DSi XL began" to the front of In 2007, [when] Nintendo had designed a large DS Lite model with 3.8-inch screens, compared to the standard 3-inch screens; development of this new handheld advanced far enough that it could have begun mass production.  Also need metric equivalents (and units have to be consistent, assume metric fist as Japan is a SI country).
 * Pounds are currency only in the UK, what was the price in Euros for European sales? Its European and United States list prices were £149.99 and US$169.99, respectively.[15]
 * Could this be a bit simpler? Nintendo had shipped 200,000 units for the DSi's Japanese launch and during its first two days on sale, 170,779 units were sold according to sales tracking service Enterbrain;[17] or 171,925 units according to Media Create[18]—the remaining units were either unclaimed pre-orders or preserved for Culture Day.[17] Perhaps something like "...during its first two days on sale, over 170,000 units were sold[17][18]— ..." with the exact figures and sources in a note or in the two refs? I am also not sure what "preserved for Culture Day" means. Were they reserved for sale on Culture Day?
 * watch verb tenses in  the Nikkei Sangyo Shimbun reported that this model features [featured?] improved security, in order to combat piracy.[28] On April 15, 2010, the DSi was launched in South Korea in white, black, blue and pink, alongside the game MapleStory DS. MapleStory DS will also be [was also?] bundled with a red limited edition DSi, which will have [had?] characters from the game printed around its external camera.[29]
 * Need to include the Japanese name of the XL at the end of the previous section where names are discussed. Can also tighten this The Nintendo DSi XL (Nintendo DSi LL in Japan) was released in Japan on November 21, 2009 with three available colors: [in] dark brown (bronze), wine red (burgundy), and natural white.[33]
 * Watch tense throughout the fourth paragraph - usually things are described in the past, but some are present tense. This also seems like it could be tightened more, but I do not have time to point out every place (I did make some minor copyedits in this section to correct obvious errors).
 * How about for In Europe, Nintendo sells the console to retailers for a higher price than the original DSi, but lets them decide on the consumer sale price.[37] instead having something like In Europe, the wholesale price of DSi XL was higher than that of the DSi, but Nintendo allowed retailers to set their price to consumers.
 * Nothing horrible here, but I think this would do better at FAC if it had a copy edit to smooth and tighten the prose here (and throughout). WP:WIAFA criterion 1a is the most difficult to achieve for the majority of articles at FAC.
 * Need metric units here too - convert works nicely
 * One example of tightening possible: The lower screen is touch sensitive: it accepts input from the included stylus.  could be something like The touch sensitive lower screen accepts input from the included stylus.
 * Reads oddly to talk about size then weight then size again, so how about The DSi weighs 214 g, and when closed is 74.9 mm long × 137 mm wide × 18.9-mm tall (give inches), which is approximately 12% shorter (2.6 mm or inches) than the Nintendo DS Lite, but slightly wider and lighter.[54][55][57]
 * "was expanded" (not "was raised") in ...the CPU was also relocated, and the battery housing raised to fill the unused space.[2]
 * I would move the Japanses version of the DSi LL name to the last paragraph of History (right before Launch) where names for this version are discussed. Avoid needless repetition, so if it is already mentioned before here it could be just The Nintendo DSi XL, (DSi LL in Japan)
 * When a person's name is used the first time, spell it out in full. Afterwards just use the last name (unless there are more than one persons with the same last name). So Satoru Iwata is given three times and should be just Iwata after the first use according to the MOS.
 * Why is " Nintendo DSi Camera" in quotes the first time in this section, but not in the Menu description?
 * I expected there to be some sort of statement as to the number of games available for the DSi as of some date in this section.
 * In Reception and legacy, I would go from general comments about the DSi as a whole to more specific comments about parts of it.
 * I am note sure why there are reviews of the 3DS in this article - not clear why the last paragraph is included.


 * Please make sure that the existing text includes no copyright violations, plagiarism, or close paraphrasing. For more information on this please see Wikipedia_Signpost/2009-04-13/Dispatches. (This is a general warning given in all peer reviews, in view of previous problems that have risen over copyvios.)

Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). I do not watch peer reviews, so if you have questions or comments, please contact me on my talk page. Yours, Ruhrfisch &gt;&lt;&gt; &deg; &deg; 04:33, 3 May 2011 (UTC)