Wikipedia:Peer review/Nyon Conference/archive1

Nyon Conference
This peer review discussion has been closed. Having got the article passed almost deceptively smoothly at GA, I'm now wondering about pushing on to FA. I'm aware the article needs a copyedit - so don't feel the need to comment on that here, but of course you can - but potentially the bigger issue is one of size/scope. I'm struggling to see what there is more to say, but that sort of thing always needs fresh eyes. Referencing, as well, should be good but a check wouldn't hurt.

Thanks, Grandiose (me, talk, contribs) 07:26, 6 July 2011 (UTC)

Comments. As always, feel free to revert my copyediting. Please check the edit summaries. - Dank (push to talk) 16:46, 10 July 2011 (UTC)
 * No comments yet, but I did some copyediting. - Dank (push to talk) 16:46, 10 July 2011 (UTC)

Comments: While the article is pretty good, the prose in general needs a bit of fine-tuning. As such I would send this to an A-class review for MILHIST. Here are some of my issues:
 * Instead of having the location and date in parentheses (Nyon, Switzerland, September 1937), converting it to prose for the start of the lead would be more beneficial.
 * "attended by" modify, perhaps 'which was also attended by..'
 * "would patrol most of the western Mediterranean, and parts of the east;" no comma needed, and perhaps it could read "..of the east, and the other signatories"; to me it flows slightly better that way.
 * Link Italy and Germany on first mention in the lead.
 * "The Italian submarine Iride attacked the British destroyer Havock, unsuccessfully, strengthening Eden's stance towards Italy.[8]" huh? This paragraph-ending sentence throws me for a loop. How does it connect to the previous stu'ff; was it a catalyst? also, who's Eden? It feels like either this sentence needs to be meshed in better or a sentence is missing before this.
 * "A conference was arranged for all parties with a Mediterranean coastline, along with Germany and Italy," Italy has a Mediterranean coastline so it seems repetitive to include them.
 * "with the new prime minister, Camille Chautemps, against." against what, exactly?
 * "There were appeals by Italy and Germany that the Non-Intervention Committee handle the piracy and other issues the conference was to discuss, not a conference like Nyon. Britain and France rejected this suggestion, and continued to prepare for the conference" I'm a little unclear as to what Italy and Germany wanted here. It sounds like they wanted a separate conference to handle the piracy matters, but does that mean they wanted two?
 * A lot of dates bounce back and forth between md and dm (September 8, 9 September). Keep them to dm since it's a European matter.
 * "It clauses provided for any submarine" Its clauses
 * "It ended on September 14" is this accurate, since there were two agreements, the latter of which was on the 17th?
 * "It was decided that French and British fleets patrol the areas of sea west of Malta, and attack any suspicious submarines." no comma needed.
 * Tyrrhenian Sea doesn't have to be linked three times.
 * "A compromise was signed on the 29th," of September or October?
 * Why are names used for some references and titles for others? only the two bulletins of international news have no author listed, so others that use titles should be fixed.

This was definitely an interesting article on a Conference that I was surprised I knew nothing about. With a bit of fine-tuning and the A-class review it should have little trouble at FAC. Wizardman Operation Big Bear 02:41, 22 July 2011 (UTC)