Wikipedia:Peer review/Odex's actions against file-sharing/archive3

===Odex's actions against file-sharing===
 * Previous peer review
 * A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for December 2008.
 * Reviewed the suggestions. Only that I wonder which term in the heading triggered the Manual of Style (headings) message. - Mailer Diablo 09:08, 20 December 2008 (UTC)
 * Reviewed the suggestions. Only that I wonder which term in the heading triggered the Manual of Style (headings) message. - Mailer Diablo 09:08, 20 December 2008 (UTC)

This peer review discussion has been closed. This article is intended to go through Featured Article Candidate, having failed twice previously. This third Peer Review intends to allow it to undergo a very throughout review and scrutiny, to eliminate the possible concerns raised in the previous FACs, before proceeding on.

There are three outstanding issues to be discussed, and I believe that some decisions by consensus has to be made on how they are approached before they become flashpoints on the FAC itself. Some of these "repairs" would not be possible without your collaboration and expertise if it were left everything to myself alone.


 * 1) Copyediting. The main reason and the single biggest reason why the last two FACs failed. Is the prose sufficiently polished up to be brilliant?
 * 2) The structure of the article. Should the sections be re-organised? Can the content be able to fit in properly? Does certain headings require renaming?
 * Hence or otherwise for (2), the lead-in might be too long. How should it be shortened/revised?
 * 1) Any content in the article that might be disputed?

I am able to check against all the listed sources. Please copyedit the article if you are able to, and do not hesitate to raise any point that requires new sources or to check against the existing ones. Thank you for taking the time to review the article, Mailer Diablo 20:56, 18 December 2008 (UTC) :Note: Because of its length, this peer review is not transcluded. It is still open and located at Peer review/Odex's actions against file-sharing/archive3.

Comments - I think the lead is particularly important to get right for this type of article. I have edited this section today, but please take these edits as suggestions and feel free to revert anything that you feel is not an improvement. Don't try to include everything in the lead; we have the rest of the article to give the full details. In the lead we need to say: No more than a paragraph (or less) for each point. I know this article well because of I have worked on the prose earlier this year, so I hope this peer review attracts other editors who can bring fresh eyes to the article. My opinion, for what it is worth, is that I have seen less prepared articles promoted. Best of luck with the FAC. Graham. Graham Colm Talk 23:59, 19 December 2008 (UTC)
 * 1) What the subject is about
 * 2) What happened
 * 3) Why it happened
 * 4) What was the effect
 * 5) What was the result
 * Parkwells points out that the lead can be improved by focusing on the issues, rather than the day-to-day events. It certainly has improved in that aspect. I'll re-read through it later against the above checklist. I've contacted a number of previous editors, and a few PR regulars that are new to this article. Several haven't responded yet, though I hope they do have a few minutes to provide more insight for the article. - Cheers, Mailer Diablo 09:04, 20 December 2008 (UTC)

Ruhrfisch comments: As requested, here are some suggestions for improvement. This looks FAC ready to me, but I do have some nitpicks: Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Peer review/backlog. Yours, Ruhrfisch &gt;&lt;&gt; &deg; &deg; 11:59, 21 December 2008 (UTC)
 * I would make it clearer that the people the legal actions were taken against were all in Singapore. Perhaps the first sentence could be Odex's actions against file sharing were legal actions against Internet Service Providers and their subscribers in Singapore.
 * The second sentence in Actions could then be The company tracked people it believed to be illegally downloading its releases in Singapore, ... If I have misunderstood for these first two points, then please tweak these or similar sentences to indicate the geographic area of their legal actions, perhaps "its releases, chiefly in Singapore..." or even just make it clear the ISPs targeted were all based in Singapore.
 * Shouldn't this be plural, i.e. and to ISPs for the retrieval of its [their] subscribers' personal data.[26] ?
 * I would either spell out the abbreviation or at least link VCD (do not know this - assume vdeo compact disc from context) and DVD in first use at Odex blamed the fall in its VCD and DVD sales of up to 70% in 2006 and 2007 on illegal downloading.[38]
 * Problem sentence Odex then promised to improve future anime releases,[40] and blamed the inaccurate subtitling on the fansubbers – anime fans who had translated the Japanese dialogue – whom they had hired and censorship laws against mature themes such as yaoi.[20][28] I would make clearer than just "then" when Odex promised this (previous sentence is 2006 and 2007, so could be sometime then or even 2008). More importantly, the sentence could be clearer, perhaps as something like In 2008 Odex promised to improve future anime releases,[40] and blamed the inaccurate subtitling on censorship laws against mature themes such as yaoi and on fansubbers–anime fans who had translated the Japanese dialogue–they had hired.[20][28]
 * Could this be smoother? Stephen Sing was mocked and criticised after posting comments considered to be gloating to an online forum.[44][45] Perhaps something like Stephen Sing was mocked and criticised after posting comments to an online forum which many considered to be gloating.[44][45] is smoother?
 * Unclear to me - Odex published a quarter-page article in The Straits Times on 22 August 2007 to explain its actions.[46] "published" seems like the wrong verb. Perhaps "wrote" is better? It also sounds more like an advertisement than an article
 * Who alleged this It was alleged that Odex had passed off fansubs as its own work.[1]
 * What is an action figurine protest? An action figurine protest took place on 25 August 2007 under police scrutiny, which was considered by Western observers to be a rarity in Singapore.[52][53][54][55]
 * ✅ I've made the necessary changes. For point 5 (I would not say it's 2008, because the response on quality and subtitling were all made in 2007, shortly after the first article on enforcement was published) and the last one, the text has be slightly reworked. Please help me check that the lines read grammatically correct. Do not hesitate to reply here if it still needs further work. - Mailer Diablo 15:13, 21 December 2008 (UTC)
 * I had actually not finished my comments - will take a look at the changes and make some more comments on the last part of the article. Am busy at the moment. I used 2008 as a guess in my suggestion, Ruhrfisch &gt;&lt;&gt; &deg; &deg; 18:24, 21 December 2008 (UTC)
 * Thanks! Looking forward to hearing more from you soon. - Mailer Diablo 19:06, 21 December 2008 (UTC)

More from Ruhrfisch The changes look fine to me. Here are my final comments on the article. All done, hope this helps. As noted, this seems pretty close to FAC to me. Good luck, Ruhrfisch &gt;&lt;&gt; &deg; &deg; 02:49, 22 December 2008 (UTC) (Comments copied from talkpage) I agree; the lede should be much shorter and focus on an overview of the subject. The number of citataions should be kept at a minimum (ideally, there should be no citations at all) since the bulk of the citation-necessary information will come in the body of the article. The lede should only give a casual surfer a quick one- or two-paragraph summary of the information included in the article, and everything mentioned in the lede should be explained in detail in the body. I just finished a grammar and style copy-edit of the article, and one thing that I did was italicize all the instances of "anime" I could find unless it was included in a direct quote. Anime is italicized in the lede, or at least in the first couple of paragraphs, and I opted to continue in that vein for consistency. If you decide to remove the italics from this word, please do so throughout. Thanks! tanankyo (talk) 05:02, 23 December 2008 (UTC)
 * Should the lead image caption add the word "illegal"? so Odex's head office at International Plaza, where the out-of-court settlements to the company by alleged illegal downloaders were made Also, since it seems to be a complete sentence, it should end in a period (full stop).
 * I am guessing that action figure would be a better link (piped) for "action figurines" than the current red link is, so I changed the link - revert of I am wrong
 * Make sure refs are in numerical order, so fix as an example and experts interviewed by representatives of the local media said that the perpetrator likely originated from Singapore.[64][51]. Also would it read better just to say the perpetrator likely was from Singapore or perhaps the perpetrator likely came from Singapore?
 * Perhaps use "in" here? Although Lau denied Odex the court order, he warned that the right to privacy was no defence to [in?] an action for copyright infringement.[66] or even simpler perhaps (but not sure if this changes the meaning too much though) Although Lau denied Odex the court order, he warned that the right to privacy was no defence for copyright infringement.[66]
 * A bit confusing - there is no previous reference to SingNet having an appeal or a deadline, then we get Meanwhile, SingNet's two week appeal deadline passed,[67][68] ... Can this be explained with a sentence or two before?
 * Since there are three different court cases involving Odex being discussed in this section, perhaps repeating Pacific Internet would make this clearer: In a rare move, District Judge Earnest Lau released a 14-page judgment explaining the court's denial of Odex's request [for Pacific Internet's client information].[14][10] Plus more refs out of order ;-)
 * There is a conversion of S$ to US$ in the lead, then none until now Settlements were reported to range between S$5,000 and S$6,000 (US$4,000) per person,[79] ... I think there should either be equivalents for all S$ or just the first example (in the lead).
 * Be consistent on titles - it is The Straits Times once and then just Straits Times later.
 * A general point - I am not clear where the alleged illegal downloaders got their illegal material - was it through Odex's website? Or was Odex just mad because people were downloading stuff off the Internet instead of paying them for it?
 * ✅. I've fixed up all the abovementioned points. I've slightly rewritten the SingNet and lead section to include BitTorrent. Kindly check that the new lines read proper. - Mailer Diablo 13:59, 24 December 2008 (UTC)
 * The word "anime" should not be in italics. It is no longer considered a foreign word, as it has a separate meaning from the Japanese definition and is in English dictionaries. It is the practice of the anime wikiproject to have "anime" rendered without italics.--Remurmur (talk) 20:20, 2 January 2009 (UTC)
 * ✅ cleared out the term of all italics. - Mailer Diablo 13:37, 13 January 2009 (UTC)

Review by Hildanknight
Hello, Mailer diablo! Although I still doubt that this article can pass FAC, I will still do my best to help, by giving a thorough review. (Perhaps you could help Jacklee and Zscout370 take Flag of Singapore past FAC.) Remember that as a fellow Singaporean, I am not a native speaker of English, so please feel free to consult a native speaker on some of my points, especially those where I explicitly indicate I am not sure.

Lead section:
 * Why is there a dash at the very top of the article?[[Image:Symbol possible vote.svg|18px]]
 * I'll check with the author. - Mailer Diablo 14:53, 24 December 2008 (UTC)
 * ✅ Removed. - Mailer Diablo 15:22, 30 December 2008 (UTC)
 * I am not familiar with the MOnSter – do all instances of "anime" really need to be italicised?[[Image:Symbol possible vote.svg|18px]]
 * I'll check with the author. - Mailer Diablo 14:53, 24 December 2008 (UTC)
 * According to the guidelines about the first sentence of the lead section, "if the article title is merely descriptive…the title does not need to appear verbatim". An article entitled "Electrical characteristics of a dynamic loudspeaker" would not begin "The electrical characteristics of a dynamic loudspeaker are a dynamic loudspeaker's electrical characteristics". Similarly, the lead section probably should not start with "Odex's actions against file sharing were…", but a clearer explanation of the actions.
 * The second sentence mentions "their licensed anime" but the rest of the lead section refers to Odex as "it". Please be consistent. I understand that, in British English, collective nouns tend to be plural, though this is not always the case.
 * The first paragraph of the lead section omits an obvious but crucial fact – Odex sued the anime downloaders for violating their copyright. (If I recall correctly, the lead used to mention that, but it was somehow removed.)[[Image:Symbol confirmed.svg|18px]]
 * Good one. The lead needs to be rewritten with this, though it's too long now. Needs some kind of rewriting. - Mailer Diablo 14:53, 24 December 2008 (UTC)
 * "Odex immediately sent out numerous pre-litigation letters to subscribers in Singapore demanding payment in place of litigation" could mean that "the subscribers in Singapore demanded payment in place of litigation". To resolve the ambiguity, I suggest a comma be placed after "Singapore".
 * I am not sure whether "considered…to be controversial" is correct.
 * I suggest you remove "especially when it was discovered that the youngest person threatened was nine years old" because the fact seems subtly POV and does not really warrant mention in the lead. Citation 1 is also improperly placed due to the inclusion of this fact.
 * "Odex halted active enforcement after its third subpoena was rejected by the courts.": This does not flow well with the rest of the paragraph; read the sentences before and after it. Do find a way to link it with the other sentences. Perhaps the sentences about the Pacnet lawsuit should go into the next section, about the Supreme Court ruling.
 * In "the company was the exclusive licensee for only one anime title, although its subpoena request went well beyond that", I would prefer to use the conjunction "but" instead of "although".
 * This seems repetitive: "ruled that Pacific Internet was required to release subscriber data, but the court directed that Pacific Internet send the data…rather than to Odex". How about "ruled that Pacific Internet was required to directly release subscriber data to Japanese anime studios and copyright holders, but not to Odex"?
 * "Beginning in August 2008" is a bad way to begin a sentence. How about "From August 2008"?
 * The phrase "raised issues of" seems incorrect, but I am not sure what would be correct.
 * There are too many "and"s in "Odex's actions attracted widespread criticism in Singapore and international attention and press coverage." Is the attention and coverage really "international"? If so, the article body should show how.
 * Are you using the word "coincided with" correctly? It means "occurred at the same time as". If you meant "were similar to", change the wording.
 * I agree that the lead should be shortened. Consider how to group related ideas and sentences into paragraphs.

Actions section:
 * "using the method employed by the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) in the United States. Like the RIAA": Why the repeated comparisons to the RIAA?
 * "and to track them" is correct if BayTSP did the tracking; if Odex did the tracking, change it to "and tracked them".
 * Consider changing "letters of demand" to simply "demand letters".[[Image:Symbol delete vote.svg|18px]]
 * FAC2/Tony1 : "Demand letters". I see that it's a law stub, but most folk, US and non-US, will be more comfortable with "letters of demand".
 * "or face legal action" does not connect well with the earlier parts of the sentence, especially the mention of how much the settlement fees are. I suggest something like "…from $3000 to $5000; if they did not, they would face legal action".
 * "stop the downloads" or "stop the downloading"? Perhaps you may wish to be more specific by changing it to "stop the illegal downloads/downloading" or "stop the anime downloads/downloading".
 * "There was speculation from the online community": be careful with weasel words.
 * "The main factor it considered when deciding the level of compensation to demand…" is very unwieldy.
 * "most of the compensation payments had been paid to BayTSP…" could be misinterpreted. How about "most…were used to pay BayTSP…" or "most…went towards paying BayTSP…"?
 * "BayTSP and to ISPs for the retrieval of their subscribers' personal data" could similarly be misinterpreted. Try "BayTSP, for…, and ISPs, for…".
 * Instead of "and that Odex wanted to reduce this by 85%", try "which Odex wanted to reduce by 85%". Shorter, sweeter and clearer – and avoids using the vague "this".
 * "In the light of this decision" should be "In light of this decision". Consider finding a better way to start that sentence.

Reactions section:
 * "Anime fans were outraged by the issuing of legal threats to children as young as nine years old": Outside of the lead section, this is the first mention of nine-year-olds being subjected to legal threats. "Issuing" and "as young as" seem unwieldy.
 * Change "online blogs and forums" to "blogs and online forums". By definition, all blogs are online, but not all forums are online.
 * "the approximate 70%" just seems wrong, but I'm not sure what's correct.
 * "The response of anime fans was that" followed by "the fall in sales was because" also seems unwieldy. How about changing the former to "Anime fans responded that"? Of course, we have to maintain NPOV by not implying that the response of the anime fans is true.
 * "attributed the inaccurate subtitling on" is grammatically incorrect; you "attribute to", not "attribute on".
 * "said that it did not ask for subtitles to be changed, that it merely classified content, and that the onus was on distributors to ensure accurate subtitles" could be slightly confusing. Try "said that it merely classified content and did not ask for subtitles to be changed, so the onus was on distributors to ensure accurate subtitles".
 * Is there a better description than "poor public relations"?
 * Mentioning the support of AVPAS without mentioning the affiliation between Odex and AVPAS may be POV and a misrepresentation.
 * "Messages posted by Sing under the nickname "xysing" included "Me too busy sueing people" [sic] and "Hahahahah! I double-6-ed so many downloaders serve them right!"": Please ask a native speaker to polish this sentence; it is clearly substandard.
 * "Sing asserted that threats of arson, assault and even death…": Is "asserted" the correct word? I think "death" should be changed to "murder", for consistency with the other verbs.
 * "…his "double-6-ed" remark, an expression of joy at the threats of lawsuits, as…": Is there a better way of explaining "double-6"?
 * "Allegations were made by the online community": Avoid weasel words.
 * "this was partially true as Odex had hired anime fans to do subtitling in 2004 who had taken" is very messy. Try "this was partially true as, in 2004, Odex had hired some fansubbers, who had taken…"
 * "when Odex released its anime, the company did not realise": perhaps the past tense should be changed to past perfect tense?
 * "It was reported at the same time that all of Odex's translation and subtitling was now done "in house".": I could not find this information in the source.
 * Change "had been raided in 1999 by the police" to "had been raided by the police in 1999".
 * "A protest by a few people with several action figurines took place on 25 August 2007 under intense police scrutiny, which was considered by Western observers to be a rarity in Singapore.": If you wish to start the second clause with "which", end the first clause with "a protest…action figurines", rather than "under intense police scrutiny". Alternatively, change the colon to a semi-colon and change "which" to "this". Consider providing some context; non-Singaporeans may not understand why such protests would be "a rarity in Singapore".
 * Instead of "suits were filed against them in November 2008 by the anime studios", try the active voice: "the anime studios filed suits against them in November 2008".
 * "There were assertions that Odex": more weasel words.
 * "intended to donate to charity any excess amount received": Again, bad ordering of ideas makes the article less readable. Try "intended to donate any excess amount received to charity".
 * Instead of "It would also release a financial audit…", try "It also promised to release a financial audit". By the way, have they released said audit? Please update the article.
 * "Users could legally download and unlock a digital rights management (DRM)-protected anime episode at S$2 for seven days": Try "For S$2, users could…anime episode for seven days".
 * Reference 63 is in Japanese. Did you translate it yourself? If so, it should be "a step in the right direction", not "a right direction".
 * "and the VOD service put out of action": Too many "ands". Try "putting the VOD service out of action". If "put…out of action" is correct, that is.
 * "likely originated from Singapore": I am not sure if "likely" is the correct word to use; I would personally prefer "probably".

Odex v. Pacific Internet section:
 * "in the Subordinate Courts, where": I would prefer to split the two sentences, as "where" seems like a weak transtition.
 * The first sentence of the second paragraph has a "citation needed" tag. A citation needs to be added if the article is to pass FAC.
 * Several privacy-related wikilinks are to redirects to privacy law.
 * "can bring such applications": is "bring" the right word?
 * Could "in respect of" be replaced with a shorter word or phrase?
 * "Although the Japanese companies intended to file lawsuits themselves should Odex fail, the High Court approved their addition as parties to Odex's appeal.": Is "although" the right conjunction? "Although" implies contrast, while the sentence seems to imply causation.
 * "The ruling may have set a precedent for online privacy in Singapore by making it more difficult for copyright licensees to take legal action against downloaders.": This could be construed as original research.

'Further action by anime studios section:
 * Not sure whether the phrase "legal actions" is correct.
 * Why are "Singnet" and "Starhub" not in CamelCase in this section, unlike the rest of the article?[[Image:Symbol confirmed.svg|18px]]
 * Nice catch. Working. - Mailer Diablo 14:53, 24 December 2008 (UTC)
 * "Settlements were reported to range…": How about "Settlements reportedly ranged"? How about being more specific, instead of using a weasel word like "report"?
 * "a flood of lawsuits against other pirated media, such as movies and games": You don't sue pirated media; you sue downloaders of pirated media.[[Image:Symbol confirmed.svg|18px]]
 * ✅ - Mailer Diablo 15:44, 24 December 2008 (UTC)

Legal opinions and analysis section:
 * What are "area newspapers"?[[Image:Symbol confirmed.svg|18px]]
 * ✅ - Mailer Diablo 15:22, 30 December 2008 (UTC)
 * Is the "of Singapore" description of The Straits Times really necessary?
 * "lawyers who were interviewed said…": More passive voice. Try "Lawyers who The Straits Times interviewed said…" or "The Straits Times interviewed several lawyers, who said…"
 * "threatened punishment": Not sure if there should be an article between the words.
 * "intended to regulate people's pirating for monetary gain": should there be an apostrophe and "s" after "people"?

Hope that helps! Remember that you owe me a review!

--J.L.W.S. The Special One (talk) 13:33, 24 December 2008 (UTC)
 * I have to deal with this point by point. Some are good suggestions on consistency of the article; others actually conflict with the opinions of previous editors, don't mind if I check with them? - Mailer Diablo 14:17, 24 December 2008 (UTC)
 * As I noted above, I am not a native speaker of English. Feel free to check with them. In fact, if I explicitly state I am not sure or you believe the other editor is correct, go ahead and ignore that point of mine. Do what is best for the article. Take your time to address my points, one by one. --J.L.W.S. The Special One (talk) 14:33, 24 December 2008 (UTC)

Getting the lead right the first time
As pointed out by everyone, the lede is crucial in getting the entire article right. As per everyone's concerns that it is too long, with the assistance of another editor it has been shortened to two paragraphs. I would like to invite everyone to have a look through the lede for another time and provide any specific comments if you would like to. Thanks for taking the time once again. - Mailer Diablo 15:22, 30 December 2008 (UTC)


 * Upon another read (and minor copy-edit) of the lead section, I came across this sentence, which would benefit from a revision: "In January 2008, Odex appealed the decision, and the High Court of Singapore ruled that one ISP was required to release data, but only directly to Japanese anime studios and copyright owners, who then started their own legal actions against Singaporean downloaders." It's very long, somewhat confusing, and can be cut into a couple of smaller, more succinct sentences.  Other than that, the new version seems to adhere considerably better to what I understand a lead should be.  tanankyo (talk) 02:12, 31 December 2008 (UTC)
 * ✅ I've tried to cut it into two, as suggested. Does it sound better now? - Mailer Diablo 03:01, 4 January 2009 (UTC)
 * Reads much better now, and the lead is much improved. I can't think of any other suggestions to better it. tanankyo (talk) 22:11, 5 January 2009 (UTC)