Wikipedia:Peer review/Old Montana Prison/archive1

Old Montana Prison
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I want to know if this topic is viable and whether my writing style falls sufficiently under the encyclopedic nature of wikipedia.
 * A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for December 2008.
 * A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for December 2008.

Thanks, tanankyo (talk) 11:09, 30 December 2008 (UTC)

Comment by NVO

I am not a native speaker of English, so these comments on style should be taken with a grin. My basic concern is that an article is unnecessarily long; it can be safely halved in size without sacrificing relevant information.
 * The prose reads more appropriate for fiction rather than encyclopedia: too colourful, too many words that are not necessary. Often, these words mask a statement/opinion that needs citation. Quote: "Possibly the most important, or at least longest lasting, contribution Warden Conley made to the Montana State Prison are the plethora of buildings he left in his wake. He believed that idleness bred insurrection, so he set about using prison labor to build the prison." Too many words! Italicized statements/opinions, probably, need citations and beliefs of a deceased person are too ephemeral to be proven anyway. Take it all away and it's down to "Buildings erected by inmates remain Conley's main contribution to the prison".
 * The 1959 riot text, probably, should be taken to a separate article and replaces with a concise summary.
 * "over a half million tons of state coal for his private residence" - this had to be a damn good residence! Again, I would trim the list down to just one or two lines of plain text with most important claims. NVO (talk) 11:24, 7 January 2009 (UTC)