Wikipedia:Peer review/Omayra Sánchez/archive1

Omayra Sánchez
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because Omayra is the key figure of the Armero tragedy and I'd like this article to be featured for the anniversary of the eruption in November. I think the prose needs some fine-tuning, so I've listed it to here to generate some feedback!

Thanks,  ceran  thor 23:04, 8 February 2013 (UTC)
 * Nice work, sad story, some comments,
 * what is a rice driver?
 * crushed the refuse? Might be cleared the refuse but I don't find that section clear.
 * There is some complication as to towns, villages, cities and municipalities, and a bit more internal consistency in the article would be helpful. In particular at one point it refers to "14 villages and cities" being destroyed at another "a regional town received 18 pumps". Reading between the lines I suspect the story is that the city of Armero and 14 towns and villages were destroyed.
 * Hope that helps.  Ϣere Spiel  Chequers  00:14, 9 February 2013 (UTC)
 * Thanks WereSpielChequers! I will get to your comments ASAP.  ceran  thor 00:30, 9 February 2013 (UTC)
 * I think I've addressed the issues.  ceran  thor 00:42, 9 February 2013 (UTC)
 * Thanks for that. It left me wondering whether the regional town that got the pumps was involved but in less need than Almero, or that the town and therefore the pumps were outside the disaster area. The current wording of Almero and villages implies that those pumps didn't reach the disaster area at all. Could your sources clarify that?  Ϣere Spiel  Chequers  01:03, 9 February 2013 (UTC)
 * I have removed that sentence - it seems to contrast with the rest of the article!  ceran  thor 15:09, 9 February 2013 (UTC)

Just wanted to say, this is the first thing to be put up in WP:VOLC article alerts in ages (sigh). Res Mar 01:19, 10 February 2013 (UTC)

Brianboulton comments: Thank you for your work on this article and for drawing it to my attention. I have carried out light copyedits while reading through the article: the following are my review comments:


 * Lead


 * "the debris of a door" does not sound sufficiently traumatic to trap someone, even a child, for several days. In the main article you refer to her being trapped "under her house's roof", with references to other heavy debris
 * You could avoid the "struggling...struggle" repetition by replacing "struggle for" with " efforts of". I recommend you reconstruct the last part of the sentence to read something like: "...and the efforts of volunteer rescue workers  to reach and treat  trapped victims  despite a dearth of supplies and equipment."
 * Perhaps, as this is a child, stick to "Omayra" rather than the rather formal "Sanchez".
 * "figment" is not a good word in this context, since it means an invention, usually of something fantastic and unbelievable. Suggest "figure in" rather than "figment of".
 * Background


 * Rephrase "It is also the deadliest lahar and Colombia's worst natural disaster" Suggest "It is Colombia's worst natural disaster, the lahar being the deadliest in volcanic history".
 * The final paragraph is not so much "Background" as an account of the disaster itself. I recommend that this paragraph, and the first of the "Death" section, become a separate section of the article titled "Disaster" or some such. The "Death" section then begins with "Despite her situation..."
 * Death


 * "Once the girl was freed..." gives the wrong impression; she was not freed.
 * "The teenage girl was scared, and often prayed or cried." This sentence appears to contradict the immediately preceding one, in which Omayra is positive, singing, asking for food and drinks etc. Perhaps you should say: "At times, however, the teenage girl was scared, and prayed or cried."
 * "descended into agony" is the wrong side of encyclopedic objectivity (hard to maintain, admittedly, with a subject like this). Nevertheless I would omit it: " Near the end of her life, Omayra's eyes reddened, her face swelled, and her hands whitened."
 * "As the public became aware of Omayra's situation through the media, and these facts came to light..." This is saying the same thing twice. Omit "and these facts came to light"
 * "...the failure of officials to properly account for victims who could have been saved" - I'm unhappy with the phrasing "to properly account for", which is vague. I think it is their failure to help victims rtaher than failure to account for them, whatever that means.
 * "Controversy broke out after officials indicated that they had used the best of their supplies, and corroborative descriptions of the shortages were released." Again, The meaning is unclear. I assume from the context that officials were saying they had done their best with the inadequate supplies and equipment available to them. If so, this needs to be much more clearly stated.
 * Photographs


 * "He had traveled to Armero by driving for five hours and traveling on foot for another two and a half hours." Unnecessary overdetailing?
 * "... a farmer directed him to Omayra Sánchez, who was at that time almost deserted, having been trapped for nearly three days". First, the Sanchez is unnecessary; secondly, "almost deserted" sounds weird in this context. I think the whole sentence needs some reconstruction, possibly: "a farmer directed him to Omayra, who had by then been trapped for nearly three days; he found her almost alone."
 * "the world was already fixated on the tragedy" - "fixated", I think, is an overstatement that needs toning down, e.g. "awareness of the tragedy extended to many parts of the world".
 * "Almost immediately after its release, the image captured widespread attention" The first five words are unnecessary.
 * Is the last (short) paragraph of this section really necessary? It is shifting the focus from Omayra.
 * Legacy


 * Nothing really wrong with this section, except there is no indication that the government of Columbia has taken any preparatory steps in the event of a recurrence of the disaster, which your second paragraph implies is a current risk. Has the government done anything to change its policies and provide a greater state of preparedness? This would represent a more practical legacy than commemoration in pop bands etc.

One final MOS point: page ranges in references require dashes, not hyphens.

Quite a harrowing read, really, but a worthy, composed tribute to a brave girl. Brianboulton (talk) 14:23, 10 February 2013 (UTC)
 * I think these have all been fixed. Thanks a ton Brian!  ceran  thor 20:30, 11 February 2013 (UTC)