Wikipedia:Peer review/Otis Redding/archive3

Otis Redding
This peer review discussion has been closed.. I've listed this article for peer review because I want to see it on the main page.
 * Previous peer review

Thanks, GoP T C N  07:39, 27 May 2012 (UTC)
 * I'll do this one. --Noleander (talk) 12:11, 27 May 2012 (UTC)


 * Begin Comments from Noleander
 * These notes are written based on the stated goal that FA status is your primary goal.
 * Step #1: Read the entire article to yourself, OUT LOUD, slowly.  Fix any wording that doesn't seem smooth and professional.
 * Add the four sources from the FAC review to a new "Further Reading" section at the bottom of the article:
 * Geoff Brown. Otis Redding: Try a Little Tenderness. Canongate. 2003. 176pp.
 * Scott Freeman. Otis! The Otis Redding Story. New York: St. Martin's Press. 2001.
 * Jane Schiesel. The Otis Redding Story. Doubleday. 1973. 143pp.
 * Delehant, Jim ( 2004) "The Blues Changes from Day to Day" "Otis Redding Interview" In D. Brackett (Ed.) The Pop, Rock, and Soul Reader: Histories and Debates [Note that an older edition seems to have had a chaper titled "Southern Soul and Otis Redding"] Oxford University Press.
 * Done-- GoP T C N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)


 * Get a copy of the above four source and read them. If they are not useful for the article, leave the sources in "Further Reading";  if they are useful, move them into the Bibliography section.
 * Wording - Watch for WP:PEACOCK wording: "Because of his immense influence on ..." - consider removing "immense"; the rest of the sentence tells the story.
 * Removed-- GoP T C N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)


 * Peacock: "...and one of the greatest singers in popular music. " - Consider replacing that entire phrase with statements about industry recognition (Hall of Fame, sales records, recognition from peers, quotes from notables, etc).  Specifics are always better than generalities.
 * I think it is ok as long as there is a section regarding his achivements. He was ranked by magazines several times in the top 10.-- GoP T C N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)


 * Grammer: "..small house in Bellevue, but when it burned.." - "but" can only be used if the thing following it is the opposite of the thing before it. Reword this sentence: probably by breaking it into two sentences.  Did the house burning contribute to the fact that they moved?
 * I split it into two sentences. Yes, this is the reason why they moved back.-- GoP T C N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)


 * Outline:
 * Break-up the section "Stage presence, personal life and wealth"
 * Create a new section "Personal life": in that include the Personal Life and Wealth material
 * Create a new section "Stage presence" or "Style": in that put the "stage presence" and   "Another characteristic was his raw voice ..." material out of the "Legacy" section
 * Move the "Legacy" section so it is a top-level section. In that keep the original Legacy material; and add add "Awards and honors" as a subsection within Legacy.
 * Done-- GoP T <sup style="color:#8EE5EE;">C <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)
 * Outline: Consider moving the wealth & personal life information into the main chronological portion of the article, rather than separating.  Some articles separate; some don't, there is no one right way.
 * Wording: "and was often hospitalized, leaving his mother as the primary financial provider for the family, while Redding worked as a well digger, ..." - rewrite sentence: commas are wrong. Maybe break into 2 sentences.
 * Done-- GoP <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">T <sup style="color:#8EE5EE;">C <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)


 * Wording: "He earned a good wage at about $25 per gig," - "good" needs to be replaced; it is either too subjective or too slang. Say "He was well-paid ..." or similar.
 * Done-- GoP <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">T <sup style="color:#8EE5EE;">C <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)


 * In above sentence: "gig" will not be known to many readers. Must link it at first occurrence. Also, check with other FA music articles to see if "gig" is too slangy, or should be replaced with a more formal word like "job" or "performance" etc.
 * "Gig" is a common word in the music business. I don't think this is confusing but I linked it anyway.-- GoP <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">T <sup style="color:#8EE5EE;">C <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)


 * Ambiguity: "... music contest at the Roxy Theatre, then at the Douglass Theatre." - Reword to clarify: did "The Teenage Party" move from one place to another?
 * Not sure what you mean; it is a contest and it is nothing special that it was relocated to a different theater.-- GoP <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">T <sup style="color:#8EE5EE;">C <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)


 * Clarify: " wrote his first songs including "She's Allright", "Tuff Enuff", "I'm Gettin' Hip" and "Gamma Lamma", the first later released as a single." - The latter phrase is confusing: was only "Shes alright" released as a single? but not the others? why not?  If the release of "Shes alright" was a big deal, perhaps it should be omitted here and mentioned later in the article in the chronological position.
 * Yes, the other three were not singles. No sources state why the other three were not singles (but at least they were cut), but I guess they were just too bad (eg "Shout Bamalama" was a flop)-- GoP <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">T <sup style="color:#8EE5EE;">C <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)


 * Walden text: "Around this time, Redding met Phil Walden, the .." - Walden and Smith are intertwined here. Walden is introduced, then Smith discussed; then Walden reappears. Recommend one paragraph on Walden, and another on Smith.
 * Smith is only mentioned one time. It is important to say that he ran Confederate Records.-- GoP <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">T <sup style="color:#8EE5EE;">C <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)


 * Link/Define: ".. released on the Volt sister label ..." - Many readers (esp for whom English is a second language) wont know what "Sister label" is. Define explicitly; or link to sister label; or eliminate and re-word. Also:  Sister label of what other label? Dont make reader guess that it is Stax.
 * Removed-- GoP <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">T <sup style="color:#8EE5EE;">C <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)


 * Specify: "and some other songs from the 1962–1963 sessions were included on Redding's debut album, " - The word "some" is generally not okay for top-quality articles;  Either specify a number; or list the songs; or if they are unknown, re-word sentence to avoid the word "some".
 * Removed word.-- GoP <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">T <sup style="color:#8EE5EE;">C <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)


 * "...sparked some copyright issues, ..." - What was the resolution? Was their a lawsuit?
 * I haven't found any useful information regarding this. I will try to find some sources.-- GoP <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">T <sup style="color:#8EE5EE;">C <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)


 * Clarify: "... accompanied former boxer Sylvester Huckaby to the Apollo Theater in New York to record a live album ..." - Did the boxer record the album? or Redding? Why is Huckaby mentioned?  Did he perform also?
 * No, but he often helped Redding in songwriting.-- GoP <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">T <sup style="color:#8EE5EE;">C <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)


 * Clarify: "Redding began touring Europe six months later. In the winter of 1966, booking agent Bill Graham proposed that Redding play at the Fillmore Theatre. " - (1) Readers may think the Fillmore is in Europe: clarify that he has returned to the US. (2) "winter of 1966" is ambiguous: it could mean late 1966 or early 1965: reword to clarify.
 * Done-- GoP <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">T <sup style="color:#8EE5EE;">C <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)


 * Reword: " ... as the crew thought he would act superior." - Reword - not sure what you are trying to say there.
 * I am often asked about this phrase: it means that he acted like he would own the business. Why is it so confusing?-- GoP <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">T <sup style="color:#8EE5EE;">C <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)


 * Explain "His controversial decision to take his protege Arthur Conley ... received negative responses." - Why was it controversial? Be specific? Who responded negatively?  What did they say?
 * This is clear if you read the following phrase: "instead of more established", meaning that he was a newcomer.-- GoP <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">T <sup style="color:#8EE5EE;">C <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)


 * Reword : " Redding had performed mainly for black audiences, other than the shows at the Whisky a Go Go. " - Awkward. The "mainly" should be enuf to omit "other than .."; consider moving "other than .." into a footnote.
 * Removed-- GoP <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">T <sup style="color:#8EE5EE;">C <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)


 * Timeline: ", included his own song "Respect" ..." - The recording by A. Franklin (?is that right) is more famous ... so should tell reader if she recorded it before or after the Monterey performance of Redding.
 * Well, it is a point of view to call it more famous. It is correct that she later covered this song. I think that would be off-topic if I mention her.-- GoP <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">T <sup style="color:#8EE5EE;">C <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)


 * Reword: "According to Sweet Soul Music, Brian Jones had tears in the eyes; Jimi Hendrix was stoned and showed deep respect; Robert Christgau wrote in Esquire, "The Love Crowd screamed one's mind to the heavens." - Need to break up into smaller sentences. Did Jones write about Christgau?  "stoned" is a bit slangy, and should only be in the article if quoting Jones directly; otherwise rephrase.
 * Reworded.-- GoP <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">T <sup style="color:#8EE5EE;">C <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)


 * Specify: "..The result was "Sweet Soul Music" " - Is that an album or single? Readers shouldn't have to study italics/quotes to be informed.
 * Songs are always in quotation marks, albums in italicface.-- GoP <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">T <sup style="color:#8EE5EE;">C <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)


 * Clarify: "He was hospitalized in September 1967 at Mt. Sinai Hospital in New York to undergo surgery." - Was the surgery for the larynx problem? What was the outcome of the surgery?
 * Well, usually the illness is belign and this kind of operation nothing special, and if it would have been something dramatic I would mention it before. Well, the outcome is that he was cured according to the next sentences.-- GoP <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">T <sup style="color:#8EE5EE;">C <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)


 * Clarify: "In the winter of 1967, Redding again recorded at Stax. ..." - How long did he stop singing to recover from surgery? "Winter 1967" could mean Dec 1967 or Jan 1967 - be specific.
 * It is not specific because he recorded over a number of weeks, namely in winter.-- GoP <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">T <sup style="color:#8EE5EE;">C <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)


 * Background: "By 1967 the band had taken to traveling on Redding's Beechcraft H18 to gigs. ..." - Buying a jet is a big deal: that should be mentioned earlier in the article.  Major milestones such as increasing affluence need to be interwoven with the musical progress/events; not just stuck at the end of the article.
 * It is already mentioned that he was more and more popular and successful, and he bought a huge farm owing to his success.-- GoP <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">T <sup style="color:#8EE5EE;">C <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)


 * Clarify: "Redding whistled at the end, either forgetting Cropper's ending rap, or meaning it as an intentional interpretation." - Who is saying this? Some sources are guessing?  Or Redding? Need to say who is guessing.  Also, " intentional interpretation" needs to be reworded: I do not know what that means.
 * Reworded-- GoP <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">T <sup style="color:#8EE5EE;">C <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)


 * City? - "Four miles from their destination at Truax Field, the pilot radioed.." - Remind reader here what city/state they are in when the crash happens.
 * Done-- GoP <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">T <sup style="color:#8EE5EE;">C <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)


 * Wording: "were James Alexander and Carl Sims, demoted to a commercial flight ..." - "Demoted" doesnt seem very encylcopedic, but I know what you mean. Reword.
 * Reworded-- GoP <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">T <sup style="color:#8EE5EE;">C <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)


 * Instant death? "... and the accident's only survivor. .... Redding died just three days after recording Dock of the Bay, .." - Need to explicitly say if he died instantly or was taken to a hospital and died later. The "three days after" makes the reader think perhaps he did not die instantly.
 * He died long before he was rescued. Note that it was a foggy day and a cold winter. Without the help of one witness the only surviver would have not been survived in this cold water for long. The single was released after his death.-- GoP <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">T <sup style="color:#8EE5EE;">C <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)


 * Reword: "An allegedly scheduled gig .." - "allegedly" is a strong word, usually reserved for crimes and torts. Use another word, or omit if there is no doubt.
 * Removed completely-- GoP <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">T <sup style="color:#8EE5EE;">C <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)


 * Context? - Paragraph: "Plans were made by Carla Thomas to record another duet album in December the same year ....  Another suggestion was to record an album entirely consisting of country standards.[78]" - What is this paragraph doing? Is it trying to say what Reddings plans were at the time of death?  Explain.
 * The header reads: "Posthumous releases and proposed recordings".-- GoP <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">T <sup style="color:#8EE5EE;">C <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)


 * Legacy: as explained above: need to split Legacy into two sections: Style/Performance and Legacy/Influence.
 * That is all for now. The article is well formatted, and meets all the technical requirements of FA.  Only the prose has to be polished.  I recommend the following steps:
 * Read the four "new" sources named in prior FAC, if you have not already
 * Implement suggestions from this Peer Review
 * Take this article to WP:GAN and get it to GA status
 * Do a second PR (if in a hurry, ask someone from Peer_review/volunteers to do the PR)
 * Then go to FAC

End Noleander comments. --Noleander (talk) 12:22, 27 May 2012 (UTC)
 * Good luck!
 * Thank you very much for your thorough review. I will try to obtain these books. It seems like I overrated this article, and now I understand this needs some more work to FA-status. Regards.-- GoP <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">T <sup style="color:#8EE5EE;">C <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">N 14:10, 27 May 2012 (UTC)
 * Responded.-- GoP <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">T <sup style="color:#8EE5EE;">C <sub style="color:#8EE5EE;">N 15:33, 27 May 2012 (UTC)