Wikipedia:Peer review/Pat Condell/archive1

Pat Condell
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I don't know what to do next.

Thanks, A pinhead (talk) 14:48, 17 March 2009 (UTC)

Brianboulton comments: Here are a few suggestions. This does not amount to a comprehensive review, as I am unfamiliar with this sort of article, but these points may be helpful in your attempts to improve it. That is really all can usefully do. I hope this review enables you to work on the article towards positive improvement. Brianboulton (talk) 16:30, 23 March 2009 (UTC)
 * The lead should be expanded so that it becomes a summary of the whole article rather than a brief introduction to it.
 * The prose needs a thorough copyedit. Just a few examples of awkward prose:-
 * "He got in to comedy during the 1980s performing alternative comedy around the City of London, UK."
 * "Got in to" is unencyclopedic - "commenced his career in" would be better.
 * Fixed. Replaced with "He performed alternative comedy shows during the 1980s and 1990s in the United Kingdom."--A pinhead (talk) 16:15, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
 * A comma is required after 1980s.
 * Fixed.--A pinhead (talk) 16:09, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
 * " ...around the City of London, UK."  "Around the" is pretty meaningless as a geographiical description, and London is never referred to as "City of London" unless you mean specifically  the financial center. I'd replace the whole phrase with something like "mainly in London."
 * Fixed.--A pinhead (talk) 16:16, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
 * Ungrammatical: "This led for a short while to writing weekly topical poems for Time Out magazine."
 * "which led to a job writing writing weekly topical poems for the Time Out magazine." - better?--A pinhead (talk) 17:53, 27 March 2009 (UTC)
 * "He did comedy sketches..." "He performed comedy sketches".
 * Fixed.--A pinhead (talk) 21:14, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
 * More unencyclopedic prose: "By the mid 1990s he was sick of the late nights and travelling, as he was by then regularly notching up 200 to 300 gigs a year around Britain, and he started writing for others, whilst still doing the occasional live gig." Please note that there are many more examples of what I would call rough prose, hence the suggestion for a complete copyedit.
 * Changed to "During the mid 1990s, Condell was performing over 200 times a year, due to the late nights and regular travelling, he decided to start writing for other comedians whilst still doing the occasional performance." - better?--A pinhead (talk) 22:31, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
 * "Thirty two" should be written numerically
 * Fixed.--A pinhead (talk) 16:07, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
 * Long verbatim quotes such as in paragraph 3 of the "Comedy" section should be avoided. Quote the key phrases, paraphrase the rest.
 * Overlinking. This is particularly evident in the lead. The links on "English", "writer", "1980s", "London", "U.K.", "monologue", "death threats" are all unnecessary - these are all everyday phrases or locations. I don't understand the purpose of the "Internet personality" link, it goes to a list of names unconnected to this article.
 * Partially fixed, more feedback needed. Many of those you mentioned are linked to because they are relevant and many other articles appear to link to them.--A pinhead (talk) 21:12, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
 * There are citation tags in the lead and the On-line videos section. Refs [5] and [30], to which the tags are added, are to the same web page. I imagine the editor who posted them had problems understanding what information this source is providing. Have you contacted the editor to establish what problem was being highlighted?
 * Fixed, references were merged.--A pinhead (talk) 15:53, 24 March 2009 (UTC)
 * Some on-line refs are not properly formatted, chiefly by omission of retrieval dates.
 * Fixed, I think. All retrieval dates are now present.--A pinhead (talk) 16:02, 24 March 2009 (UTC)