Wikipedia:Peer review/Pat Nixon/archive1

===Pat Nixon===


 * A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for July 2008.
 * A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for July 2008.

This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I would like to get feedback on it. I feel that it is, overall, indeed a WP:GA and am considering nominating it for FAC when everything is in tip-top shape. This is step number one :) So please comment on anything you feel could use improvement, or just anything you feel should be changed. Best, Happyme22 (talk) 21:39, 26 July 2008 (UTC) :Note: Because of its length, this peer review is not transcluded. It is still open and located at Peer review/Pat Nixon/archive1. Brianboulton comments: I have read through the article, and later will give detailed comments on the prose and other points. Meanwhile, there are two particular issues of concern which you should perhaps consider.
 * 1. Overall tone: the impression I got, reading through, was that this is a tribute article from a close associate and supporter. It does not have the neutral feel that one expects from an encyclopedia. Two particular factors contributed to this impression.
 * The use of a personal quote from Pat Nixon as one of your sections ("I never had it easy"). This, to me, strongly suggests empathy between the writer and the subject, which hampers objectivity.
 * Excessive use of the nickname "Pat", throughout the article. At times the use of the name is appropriate - in the Early life section and in a few domestic and family contexts - but in some sections, particular those dealing with public duties and engagements, she should be referred to more formally. This isn't just being pompous, it's to do with neutrality and objectivity again. Bizarrely, you refer to her as "Nixon" in one of the photo captions, and again in the final sentence of the "Later life" section. That, too, is equally inappropriate.


 * 2. The lead is too short for an article of this length. It should summarise the entire content of the article, rather than confining itself almost solely to her six years as First Lady.

Perhaps you would respond to these issues. Meanwhile I will prepare my detailed list of prose points. Brianboulton (talk) 00:15, 31 July 2008 (UTC)


 * Of course, thank you so much for this review. It is always nice to receive comments. I'm inclined to agree with you on the "I've never had it easy" section heading, which I will make an attempt to change. It is surely not a "tribute article"; "Plastic Pat" is in there, as well as other observances in the last paragraph of the "Life in the White House" section. I will agree that the article places the first lady in a more positive than negative light, and that is simply because, as the sources in the references section attest to, the majority of Americans and people around the world looked highly upon Pat Nixon. But nothing is being covered up, either.


 * As for the use of the name "Pat": I don't think I've found a single news article, or book written about Thelma Nixon. They are all written about Pat Nixon, the name by which she was known. As for referring to her in the text: a similar issue arose during Nancy Reagan's FAC, when there was a dicussion over what to call Nancy Reagan when reffering to her in sentences: Nancy, Reagan, Mrs. Reagan, Nancy Reagan, First Lady, etc. because calling her 'Reagan' could cause confusion with her husband and calling her 'Nancy' seemed too unencyclopeadic to some. Following the MOS by always reffering to her as 'Reagan' would lead to confusion with Ronald, so we amended the MOS and added this section. The Nancy Reagan article is an FA, and it generally refers to her as Nancy in the text, occasionally Reagan and first lady, but not Mrs. Reagan. This should hold true for Pat Nixon as well. Best, Happyme22 (talk) 02:43, 31 July 2008 (UTC)
 * I wasn't suggesting you called her Thelma! If the apparent informality is in accordance with agreed policy for such articles, that's fine with me (though calling her "Nixon" still grates). Nor was I thinking that you should dig up some dirt for the sake of balance. The "tribute" impression I got from my first relatively rapid read-through will probably be modified, after I have done my thorough prose check. By the way, I should have said, in my earlier comments, that I found the article eminently readable and interesting from my cross-atlantic perspective, particularly as Pat Nixon, unlike Nancy Reagan or Hillary Clinton, is pretty well unknown over here, to my generation at least. Brianboulton (talk) 08:26, 31 July 2008 (UTC)
 * Well thank you, I'm sorry if I misunderstood. And the sad truth is that Pat's accomplishments in the White House were just as good, if not better, than Nancy Reagan's, Jacqueline Kennedy's and Hillary Clinton's, but Pat did not seek publicity (and then came Watergate).... I'll fix the items mentioned thusfar. Best, Happyme22 (talk) 17:15, 31 July 2008 (UTC)

Review - continued The following is the first instalment of my detailed comments on the text, covering about the first third of the article. More will follow later.
 * Lead
 * To describe her as the wife of "former President Richard Nixon" is a bit strange, since she was only that after 1974. I’d say: "wife of Richard Nixon, 37th President of the United States"
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 02:26, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * It also seems odd to refer to her charitable works and her collecting of rare art an furniture in the same sentence. But I suspect that will disappear, in a more general development of the lead section, which as I indicated before, needs expanding.
 * Yes, I plan to work on this at the very end. Happyme22 (talk) 02:26, 1 August 2008 (UTC)


 * Early life: I would suggest a redeployment of commas. Lose the one after "1931", and transfer the one after "1914" to immediately after "the family farm".
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 02:26, 1 August 2008 (UTC)


 * Education and career
 * It would be useful to have the year in which she started at USC
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 02:26, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Citation for final sentence?
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 02:26, 1 August 2008 (UTC)


 * Marriage and family
 * The "however" on the third line down is redundant
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 03:22, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * "She preferred to remain secret" – I don’t know what this means. Can it be clarified? (I think, on reflection, it means keeping Nixon’s behaviour secret, but if so, it needs rewording)
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 03:22, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * "especially once in Washington" could be misread (especially one time in Washington). "…especially after moving to Washington" would be clearer
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 03:22, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * …some in the press characterized them as "people who have lost whatever they once had between them" – definitely needs a citation
 * I could not find a citation for this statement, so I have removed it. Happyme22 (talk) 03:22, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Confusion of tenses in: "During state dinners he ordered the protocol changed so that Pat may be served first". "…so that Pat was served first" (Actually, I'm not so sure about this - it's perhaps better as it stands)
 * I think either will work, but without any objections I'm going to stick with the first way. Happyme22 (talk) 03:22, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * "Pat, in turn, felt that her husband was vulnerable, and sought to protect him". Again, citation needed
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 03:22, 1 August 2008 (UTC)


 * Second Lady
 * The trip to Venezuela, including the rocks and the spitting, is probably known to everyone in the USA, but out here, it needs a citation.
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 03:33, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Is everything in the last paragraph cited to [2]?
 * It is. I've added additional ref names for clarification. Happyme22 (talk) 03:33, 1 August 2008 (UTC)


 * Campaigns, 1960, 1962 and 1968
 * "Although she eventually agreed to another run, citing that it meant a substantial amount to him, Richard Nixon lost the gubanatorial election to Pat Brown". This is not a logical sentence as it stands. It would be, if the "although" is deleted and a "but" is inserted just before "Richard Nixon".
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 03:33, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Did Pat not have any notable role in Nixon’s 1968 campaign? It seems strange that this important event is dismissed in a short sentence, with no hint of her involvement.
 * That is entirely true, and I will begin looking for additional information regarding that. Happyme22 (talk) 03:33, 1 August 2008 (UTC)

More will follow. Brianboulton (talk) 23:25, 31 July 2008 (UTC)

Review continued: I have made several small fixes along the way.
 * First Lady – major initiatives
 * The first sentence seems a rather clumsy combination of ideas and awkward phrasing. Would this be better: "Pat Nixon felt that the First Lady should always set a public example of high virtue as a symbol of dignity, but she refused to revel in the trappings of office". Or some such – perhaps you can do a better rewording job.
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 18:57, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Second sentence would be better beginning with "When" rather than "While"
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 18:57, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * She decided to continue what she called "personal diplomacy". Some explanation of what she meant by this term is necessary, also an indication of what she was continuing from.
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 18:57, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * "at the local level" better than "on the …" etc
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 18:57, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Some indication of why it was called a Vest Project would help this puzzled reader.
 * It was actually supposed to read "Vest Pockets of Voulnterism". I don't know if that helps, but the author of the source gives no reason why it was called that. Happyme22 (talk) 18:57, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * "…helped to prove that not all students were protesting the Vietnam War". Although cited, this remark reads like an opinion or standpoint of the article, something which a conservative newspaper might say. I would say something like "helped boost the claim that not all students…" ,in order to preserve a neutral stance.
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 18:57, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * "She invited wounded servicemen" To what, and where?
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 18:57, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * "She became the only First Lady to give a Thanksgiving proclamation". Some context needed for this, e.g. why is it remarkable that she was the only First Lady to do this? What was the method of her proclamation, and what did she proclaim?
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 18:57, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Perhaps "handicapped accessible", although an awkward term, should have a hyphen. (In UK we say "handicapped-friendly" or sometimes "wheelchair-friendly")
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 18:57, 1 August 2008 (UTC)


 * Life in the White House
 * Second sentence, beginning "Eventually…" is too long. Suggest a stop after "design consultant", and continue: "She also hired…"
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 19:11, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * "She ended up adding " is a waste of words. "She added…"
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 19:11, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * "plus refurbished nine others" isn’t English. Replace plus with "and"
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 19:11, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * "She had ramps installed…"etc This point made in earlier section, doesn’t need to be made again.
 * I think I am going to remove these mentions from the "Major initiatives" section, because they have more to do with the White House. Happyme22 (talk) 19:11, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Unnecessary bracketing (to learn how tours were guided).
 * Actually, I think this is an interesting quote, for it is one of the first from a first lady indicating that the White House is more than the president's house. Happyme22 (talk) 19:11, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * "She ordered them less menacing uniforms" might be better as "She arranged for them to wear less menacing uniforms…"
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 19:11, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Suggest: "As First Lady she would routinely…" etc
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 19:11, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Excuse my ignorance, but what is "bluegrass"?
 * Bluegrass is a form of American country music. I've wikilinked the term. Happyme22 (talk) 19:13, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * The last two sentences of the fourth paragraph seem detached from the rest. Perhaps they could be a short para on their own? For consideration.
 * Thanks for the idea, but I think that it is fine as it is. If you disagree, I can change it. Happyme22 (talk) 19:11, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Last para: I don’t think that she should suddenly be called "Nixon" here. "She" would do perfectly well. But what in blazes is "milquetoast"? (Later: my private intelligence service tells me that it is an Americanism for a meek and timid character, based on a cartoon character created by H T Webster, 1885-1952. Perhaps a footnote could be inserted, to explain this to the unnitiated).
 * Done I've replaced all the 'Nixon's with 'Pat's and I've added 'timid' rather than 'milquetost'. Many of the dictionaries, online and in print, do not even contain the word. Happyme22 (talk) 19:11, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * "Nixon was a vocal supporter…" (referring to Pat) is especially confusing, now you’re discussing political issues. Pat, Pat Nixon or The First Lady necessary here.
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 19:11, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Wrong tense: "her views on abortion are mixed".
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 19:11, 1 August 2008 (UTC)


 * Travels
 * The section should begin "Pat Nixon held the record…", and "…until Hillary Clinton" would be better as "before Hillary Clinton".
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 19:30, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * "Her first foreign trip was to Guam…" might read better as : "Her first foreign trip took in…", then the list of countries.
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 19:30, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * "and witnessed US troops fighting in a jungle below" would be better : "to witness US troops…" etc
 * '''Done Happyme22 (talk) 19:30, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Introduce Sferrazza as writer, historian, or appropriate description
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 19:30, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Can the First Lady of South Vietnam have a name?
 * Sort of. I cannot find her full name, but Julie Nixon Eisenhower refers to her as Madam Thieu and Carl Anthony refers to her as Mrs. Thieu. Happyme22 (talk) 19:30, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * 2nd para, third sentence: the "that" after "Her trip…" is redundant. Also, I don’t understand the last phrase of this sentence: "her presence had been a direct political power", but whatever it means, it sounds like a statement of opinion. It needs to be rephrased for clarity, and cited.
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 19:30, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * The Peruvian official’s quoted comments also need a citation
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 19:30, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * "She again danced with natives…" requires sensitive wording. Could you call them "locals"?
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 19:30, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * White House staffers shouldn’t be called by nicknames in an encyclopedia article. I believe he was called Charles (sorry to be so stuffy)
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 19:30, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * "Another notable journey included…" The "included" should be replaced by "was"
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 19:30, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Dates of the Venezuela visit, and the "last major trip", would be useful.
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 19:30, 1 August 2008 (UTC)

I will come back for the final tranche later. Brianboulton (talk) 14:39, 1 August 2008 (UTC)

Review concluded
 * Fashion and style
 * It is necessary to cite the statement: "She did, however, wear the custom work of some well-known talents, notably Geoffrey Beene, at the suggestion of Clara Treyz, her personal shopper"
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 00:41, 2 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Ditto the verbatim quotes in the final sentence.
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 00:41, 2 August 2008 (UTC)


 * Watergate: This is generally an excellent section. However, I suggest rephrasing this sentence, especially towards the end: "Privately, Pat was alarmed by what she felt was increasing power in the president’s staff, so he was becoming more removed"
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 00:41, 2 August 2008 (UTC)


 * Public perception
 * "speaking events" is an awkward phrase. Why not "speeches"?
 * I think "occasionally picketed her speaking events" sounds better than "occasionally picketed her speeches". I think the former is actually better, in this case.
 * "When she spoke to some of them…" would be better: "After she had spoken to some of them…"
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 00:41, 2 August 2008 (UTC)
 * I’d change the structure of the "Plastic Pat" sentence, e.g.: "The derogatory nickname 'Plastic Pat' was occasionally applied to her because, critics claimed, she was always smiling while her face rarely expressed emotion".
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 00:41, 2 August 2008 (UTC)


 * Later life
 * Insert "in 1974" after San Clemente, California
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 00:41, 2 August 2008 (UTC)
 * The following sentence doesn’t really work: "With that, Pat sought to shed light on the fact that her public life after the resignation was not over, as many had come to believe". Apart from being oddly worded, it’s a guess at what she meant. She might have meant something different. I’d lose it.
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 00:41, 2 August 2008 (UTC)
 * (2nd para) La Casa Pacifica was italicized earlier on
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 00:41, 2 August 2008 (UTC)
 * For better flow, replace semicolon after La Casa Pacifica with a comma, then replace "it" with "which…"
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 00:41, 2 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Sentence about degenerative spine condition needs citing
 * Done I've removed it, because I cannot find a citation. Happyme22 (talk) 00:41, 2 August 2008 (UTC)

Death and funeral
 * A bit of information missing – how come she was living in New Jersey? It would be good to know when and why she moved there.
 * Done It's in the Later life section. Happyme22 (talk) 01:00, 2 August 2008 (UTC)
 * In my opinion, decorative quotes are always a bad idea. I’d get rid of them, absorbing the quotation back into the text.
 * Done I'm going to have to disagree with you on that one. But if you or others strongly object, I will remove it. Happyme22 (talk) 01:00, 2 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Would it be a good idea to round off by mentioning Richard, saying something like "Former president Nixon survived her by (however long it was), dying on (date)"? (He's not still alive, is he?)
 * Done Yes, very good idea! And no, President Nixon died ten months after Pat did. Happyme22 (talk) 01:00, 2 August 2008 (UTC)

Those are my comments regarding the text. A few further general points:
 * The "Footnotes" heading should be "Notes and references"
 * I think either way is acceptable. Both Ronald and Nancy Reagan, featured articles, are titled "Footnotes" per the advice of User:SandyGeorgia. Happyme22 (talk) 17:02, 2 August 2008 (UTC)
 * There are many opportunities for further reference combination, including 14 & 15; 23 & 24; 27, 28 & 29; 33 & 34; 40 & 41; 42 & 43; 51 & 52; 55, 56 & 57; 59 & 62.
 * Respectfually, I disagree. Though it can probably be done the way you are suggesting, I think its current form is better for accuracy. Happyme22 (talk) 17:02, 2 August 2008 (UTC)
 * The imaging is generally excellent, but there may be the odd problem with positioning. WP:MOS says "Avoid sandwiching text between two images facing each other", which you do in the Late life section. You should see to this.
 * Yes, I will check that out. Happyme22 (talk) 17:02, 2 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Tone: After my first read-through my impression was that the tone was more that of a tribute than a neutral encyclopedia article. Having read it again with great care, I’m partly, though not wholly, reassured on this point. As I said earlier, I’m not advocating that you dig up scandals or dirt. But I suggest that you take time for a careful reading, to see if there are sections where a slightly more detached tone would be advisable. Or better, get someone previously uninvolved with the article to do this.
 * Yes, that may be a good idea. Happyme22 (talk) 17:02, 2 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Mathematical note: It says somewhere that during he time as First Lady, Pat visited 31 countries, an average of one every 120 days. According to my estimate, Nixon’s presidency lasted about 2,000 days. 31 countries in 2,000 days is one every 65 days. But it’s a completely contrived, meaningless average, so I’d drop it all together.
 * Done Happyme22 (talk) 17:02, 2 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Typos. I picked up some, but I’m sure not all. So get someone to do a line-by-line.
 * I will. Happyme22 (talk) 17:02, 2 August 2008 (UTC)

That’s it, done. I’m better informed now on Pat Nixon than I ever thought I would be, which is something. Best wishes. Brianboulton (talk) 22:12, 1 August 2008 (UTC)
 * Good for you! thank you very much for the very thorough review that has greatly benefitted the article. My best wishes to you as well, Happyme22 (talk) 17:02, 2 August 2008 (UTC)