Wikipedia:Peer review/Paul S. Walsh/archive1

Paul S. Walsh
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I have got it up to GA standard and I would like to get it to Featured Article standard.

Thanks, Farrtj (talk) 16:40, 5 July 2012 (UTC)

Comments:


 * "the world's leading spirits group" is not encyclopedic, in my view. We could do with something more neutral. Is it the world's biggest spirits company by sales? By market capitalization? A statistic is better than a claim, no matter how well cited. As it is, it's somewhat POV. ✅
 * Leading in any measurement you use: sales, mark cap, volume, number of leading brands... but point taken. Farrtj (talk) 17:00, 19 July 2012 (UTC)


 * "Lancastrian" Cite, even in the lead. ✅


 * In the interest of NPOV, I'd recommend balancing the positive with the negative immediately. So something like "While Walsh has received praise for his no-nonsense, "Lancastrian" approach to management, he has also been the target of criticism." Then go on to describe some of the criticism; after that, talk about the positives. ✅


 * "longest serving" --> "longest-serving" (compound adjective)✅


 * Cut down on the use of adjectives in the lead. A lot of this is just puffery.
 * I've changed things, see what you think. "Aggressively" could be positive or negative, or neither. Farrtj (talk) 17:00, 19 July 2012 (UTC)


 * Also separate the following into two sentences for clarity, as follows: "One of the FTSE 100's longest-serving chief executives, he has spent most of his career at Diageo and its predecessor Grand Metropolitan. He earned respect for his streamlining of Diageo and his acquisition of the Seagram drinks company." ✅


 * Colon after "Pillsbury food business", not semicolon.✅


 * "selling off", not "selling-off".✅


 * "strong brands": Remove "strong".✅


 * "considerable criticism": Remove "considerable".✅


 * "the size of his salary" seems like a tease. Tell us how much in the lead.
 * Well it's changed between 1996 and 2011! I don't want to be too wordy. Besides, it's all speculative at the end of the day. Farrtj (talk) 17:00, 19 July 2012 (UTC)


 * "keen sportsman": Remove "keen" ✅
 * "who enjoyed sports"


 * "an "outstanding" mathematics": Remove "outstanding". ✅
 * Okay. "Hero" makes the point. Farrtj (talk) 17:18, 19 July 2012 (UTC)


 * This made me chuckle a little, I confess: "Such was his appreciation that he would later take his former teacher out to lunch annually." First, I'd say "he later took his former teacher out to lunch annually." Second, it seems a meager reward for someone he considers his "hero".
 * No it's definitely sincere. He keeps a photo of an RAF place that said teacher gave him in his office. I've seen it in video interviews. Farrtj (talk) 17:00, 19 July 2012 (UTC)


 * "advanced quite far in the application process" --> "advanced far in the RAF application process" ✅


 * Spell out the Co-operative Group Ltd. for people who might not be familiar with it. ✅


 * "Whilst at Grand Met he quickly abandoned accounting,": Full stop at the end, please. ✅


 * "I wanted to move into sales and marketing," he said later. "I joined with a commitment that that career path would be opened to me and by 29 or 30 I had moved into the commercial area." (add "he said later" in the middle) ✅


 * "where by reforming the financial reporting system, he captured the attention of Grand Met's chairman Allen Sheppard" reads better as: "where he captured the attention of Grand Met's chairman Allen Sheppard by reforming the financial reporting system" ✅


 * "100-strong": 100 of what? It's not clear here. Employees? Hotels? ✅


 * "a real estate bubble": Comma after "bubble" ✅


 * "accurately identified": "identified" suffices. ✅


 * "The proceeds of the Intercontinental sale were used to purchase Pillsbury for $5.8 billion, owner of the Green Giant and Häagen-Dazs brands, and Walsh was involved in the takeover decision." I think is better phrased as: "Grand Met used the proceeds from the Intercontinental to purchase Pillsbury, owner of the Green Giant and Häagen-Dazs brands, for $5.8 billion. Walsh was involved in the takeover decision." ✅


 * "major brands": just "brands" will do. ✅


 * "led the focus on concentrating on" shortens to "concentrated on". ✅


 * "he is credited with growing from a strong US brand to a brand with truly global reach": "he was credited" and "strong US brand to one with truly..." ✅


 * "to form a combine called Diageo" --> "company called Diageo" ✅


 * Recommend combining a couple of sentences as follows. First: "In 1996 he was made chairman and president of Pillsbury, which tripled in size and doubled its operating margins between 1992 and 2000." Then: "Grand Met merged with Guinness in 1997..." etc. ✅


 * "Walsh argues": "Walsh said" will do. ✅


 * "In retrospect, he regrets not selling": "He later regretted not selling" reads better. Also, put a colon before the ensuing quote, not a comma. ✅


 * "has frequently been named as one of Britain's most admired businessmen" isn't fully supported by the citation (just one of them)


 * "longest serving" --> "longest-serving". You also ought to mention how long he has served as CEO of a FTSE 100 company. You may also want to mention where he stands relative to other CEOs; is he the eighth-longest-serving CEO?
 * I have the date somewhere, I'm just concerned that it's the sort of information that becomes dated and incorrect *very* quickly. Farrtj (talk) 17:12, 19 July 2012 (UTC)


 * "Walsh is a non-executive" --> "has been a non-executive" ✅


 * Further instances of "non-executive director" need a hyphen between "non" and "executive" ✅


 * "In 2009 Walsh received criticism": I think "faced criticism" is slightly better. ✅


 * "countered with the fact that" --> "said" substitutes well for these five words. ✅


 * Generally speaking, I think the article's pretty good. It's certainly GA quality. But I think to reach FA it'll need plenty of massaging and modification. First, the use of block quotes is too prevalent. We should be describing, neutrally and accurately, who Paul Walsh is and what he's done. Quotes from him about him don't add much. Quotes from other people criticizing him are more germane and useful, I would suggest. I think the main thing the article needs is some more contextual meat if it's going to be comprehensive enough to pass FA. We need to know how Walsh fits into his competitive environment and the context of his deal-making. What were other people doing, and how does he compare to them? Lastly, are there no free pictures of him?--Batard0 (talk) 16:35, 19 July 2012 (UTC)
 * I'll confess that having researched this piece, I've ended up liking the guy. I hope a bias hasn't come through. I take your point, and I don't want to come across as promotional, but he genuinely has been a very successful CEO. I've been aware that the article has been lacking decent external commentary on Walsh, but I haven't been able to find anything worth using. And no, there are no free images of Walsh that I can find, sadly. Farrtj (talk) 17:03, 19 July 2012 (UTC)