Wikipedia:Peer review/Percy Henn/archive1

Percy Henn
Percy Henn was my first article that I've really worked on immensley. I self-rated it as Start-class, however I want some ideas on how to get this grade higher. There is no other information available on the Internet and I'm not sure where to go next. Auroranorth (WikiDesk) 09:31, 6 March 2007 (UTC)

User:A mcmurray
At a glance:


 * Prose: For the most part compelling, a few things here and there (See below).
 * Dates: Full dates should be linked like so: 6 March 2007 . Years can be linked if they provide context to the article, just FYI.

More in depth:


 * Early Career:
 * Needs expansion, for instance, what was the dispute all about? That sounded interesting.
 * Hurstpierpoint, this term is probably unfamiliar to a lot of readers, provide context.


 * Looking abroad:
 * Probably don't link January in the phrase 'January 1900,' although the linked 1900 is probably okay.
 * Two sentences: On 3 April 1902, Henn married Jean Elliott in Geraldton, and had four children together. and Becoming rector again in Northam for three years (1902-1905), he finished his missionary term by returning to England. Both should probably be rewritten for clarity and less wordiness.
 * Rewrites of statements do not make sense, not geographically or logically. Auroranorth (WikiDesk) 11:08, 7 March 2007 (UTC)
 * Write them better then, you have to realize that most readers aren't from Western Australia. the first rewrite makes perfect sense, especially with the extra word I included. The original sentence from which the second rewrite is derived is just too confusing as is to rewrite, hence the mistake. A mcmurray (talk • contribs) 11:15, 7 March 2007 (UTC)
 * Of course. Auroranorth (WikiDesk) 11:23, 7 March 2007 (UTC)
 * I would note that the other sentence, as is or was, above, makes it look like he got married and had four children all in the same day, which is actually what is illogical. ; )A mcmurray (talk • contribs) 11:19, 7 March 2007 (UTC)
 * Try:
 * On 3 April 1902, in Geraldton, Henn married Jean Elliott and they eventually had four children together.
 * He finished his missionary term by returning to England as rector in Northam from 1902-1905.

Or something like that, also link the place names if they haven't been linked in the article already.
 * Organising Secretary doesn't need to be capitalized. Per WP:MOS.


 * Return to Western Australia:
 * I don't think "preparatory school" should be capitalized in the subhead.
 * Guildford Grammar Preparatory School is an official proper noun. Auroranorth (WikiDesk) 11:10, 7 March 2007 (UTC)\
 * Yes but only when used in its entirety, the use of preparatory school in the sub head isn't as a proper noun.A mcmurray (talk • contribs) 11:23, 7 March 2007 (UTC)
 * The first paragraph in the section lacks inline citations.
 * Correct. I'll fix this. Auroranorth (WikiDesk) 11:18, 7 March 2007 (UTC)
 * Fixed. Auroranorth (WikiDesk) 11:18, 7 March 2007 (UTC)
 * A few sentences should be rewritten for clarity, especially the one about him overseeing the Church of England's first attempt at secondary ed since 1873.
 * I don't see anything wrong with this. Auroranorth (WikiDesk) 11:18, 7 March 2007 (UTC)
 * It just doesn't sound good how it's constructed IMO.A mcmurray (talk • contribs) 11:23, 7 March 2007 (UTC)
 * Be careful using words like 'however,' here, and throughout the article. It tends to imply POV (not always but often).
 * OK, I'll look out for this in the future. Auroranorth (WikiDesk) 11:18, 7 March 2007 (UTC)


 * Last two sections:
 * Both need refs (inline).
 * Done. Auroranorth (WikiDesk) 11:18, 7 March 2007 (UTC)
 * Lose the bullet in the legacy section, just leave it straight pose instead of as a list.
 * Easy enough. Auroranorth (WikiDesk) 11:18, 7 March 2007 (UTC)
 * Drop the word 'now' in the legacy section.
 * Good WP:MOS spot. Auroranorth (WikiDesk) 11:18, 7 March 2007 (UTC)

Good luck with the article and I hope this helps. : ) A mcmurray (talk • contribs) 16:04, 6 March 2007 (UTC)

SMBarnZy
Some suggestions...
 * The lead shouldn't be referenced, unless you make some extra-ordinary claims. Reference that information in the article, it just looks neater.
 * The article refers to Henn as: "headmaster" (lead) and "school master" (infobox) - i would make them both the same, either headmaster of school master - not both.
 * Early years section needs a few full stops, it is quite long for a single sentence.
 * Years wikilinks - in alot of the sections, the years are wikilinked, i dont think that this needs to happen - the lead is an exception.
 * Things should only be wikilinked once, so when you mention Guildford Grammar School in the article (for example 5 times) it should be wikilinked the first time it is mentioned in the article, and at no other point.
 * Legacy section should be merged into "a prepartory school for guildford"
 * All sections need to be lengthened if this article is going to get to A-Class anytime soon. SMBarnZy 11:01, 7 March 2007 (UTC)