Wikipedia:Peer review/Phantasmagoria (video game)/archive1

Phantasmagoria (video game)
I've listed this article for peer review because it's already a GA, but I'd like to nominate it for FA eventually, so I'd like a more thorough copy edit. Thanks! —  Hun ter   Ka  hn  14:41, 25 November 2015 (UTC)

– It may take a little bit, but I'm familiar with the game (although that may be a help or a hinderance) and look forward to helping you out. Here are my thoughts on peer reviews. Runfellow (talk) 21:27, 13 December 2015 (UTC)

Comments, Part 1 (Lead through Plot)
 * Lead

I think you've included all of the sections here. You might want to check to see if you've covered the awards and legacy.
 * It might make sense to move "Released on August 24, 1995" to the previous sentence, since it has more to do with that than the plot.
 * Delete ", both". You can almost always delete "both" when you list both things immediately after it.
 * "Phantasmagoria was noted" <- Any way we can make this an active sentence versus a passive. In other words, did critics note this, or fans? Or perhaps both? (I know I did as a little kid playing it.)
 * "Based on Williams' 550-page script, about four times the length of an average Hollywood screenplay, more than 200 people were involved in the making of Phantasmagoria, which took more than two years to develop and four months to film." <- Awkward syntax here, considering the subject of the sentence is the making of Phantasmagoria, not the game itself. Also, you may want to skip the "four times the length of the average screenplay" stuff. I know it's true, but it's more suited to the article rather than the summary.
 * Are you interested in putting non-breaking spaces between a number and "million"? No biggie, but you might want to think about it.
 * "willingly submitted to a ratings system" <- Add "the game" between "submitted" and "to".


 * Gameplay


 * Same as above, delete ", both"
 * "The cursor turns red when it passes over an action where the user can click to perform an action" <- Awkward syntax. Perhaps instead of the first "action", how about "area on screen"?
 * You've already referred to the cutscenes as "cinematic scenes"; you might want to stick with that phrase, so "film sequence" doesn't seem like something you haven't introduced yet.
 * "Adrienne can only hold eight items at once, and each black slot contains an image of the item, which the user can click on to retrieve or use within the game." <- Split this sentence. Delete ", and" and capitalize "each".
 * Is there a limit to the number of hints from the skull? Or doesn't it say something like "wait a while before asking for help again" or something like that? It's been a long time since I've played this.
 * Replace "leads to" with "brings up"?
 * The last paragraph here I think could (or perhaps should) be the first. It's an introduction to the interface.


 * Plot

Overall, this section is fine. The things listed below are very minor. Should there be an indication in this section that if Adrienne performs the wrong action (mostly later in the story) she is killed? Runfellow (talk) 22:12, 13 December 2015 (UTC)
 * " Unbeknownst to the happy couple, Carno had practiced black magic when he previously lived in the mansion and summoned an evil demon, which possessed him and caused him to murder his wives."
 * Delete "previously".
 * You might want to split this sentence. After "mansion", insert a period, delete "and", add "He".
 * Delete "then" before "flees".
 * Delete "seemingly".

Comments, Part 2 (Development)
 * Development
 * Writing


 * There seem to be quite a few references here, especially in the sentence about her favorite films as a teen. Is there any way to simplify that?
 * Change "Williams had wanted to do a make a" to "Williams had wanted to make a"
 * "eight years prior to Phantasmagoria" <- Is this eight years prior to beginning work on the project, or eight years prior to its completion?
 * Make "and had started to design a few, but none came to fruition." into its own sentence. Don't be afraid of short sentences.
 * "like a film screenplay" <- Perhaps clarify: Was it the first written in the style of a screenplay (i.e. three-act structure) or the format of a screenplay (i.e. stage directions, lines of dialogue)?
 * "She also faced concerns from her husband Ken Williams, the company president and co-founder of Sierra, who wanted the company to focus more on lower-cost, combat-oriented animated games, and was also concerned about the level of violence in the Phantasmagoria" <- Run-on sentence. Perhaps split after "combat-oriented games" and begin the next sentence with "He was also concerned..."
 * "The script about 550 pages long" to "The script was approximately 550 pages long"
 * "The script included" to "It also included"
 * "before the writing process" to "before beginning the writing process"
 * "I think it just kind of naturally worked out that way." quote seems a bit redundant, but no big deal.
 * "aficionado" <- Let's say "enthusiast" perhaps?
 * It seems like everything after "Williams wrote Phantasmagoria with the mass market in mind..." could be moved to earlier in this section.


 * Design


 * "were among the computer artists" <- Are these just some random names from the list of artists, or did they lead the team in some way? If the latter, which I suspect, let's make that clear.
 * The paragraph beginning with "once the filming was completed" veers sharply away from design and into post-production (editing, etc.) I'm going to try to come up with a suggestion for where to put this once I get further into the article.


 * Casting

I don't really see any issues with this section.


 * Filming


 * "The total filming took about four months, 12 hours a day, shooting six days a week." <- Perhaps restructure this sentence: "Filming lasted for 12 hours a day, six days a week, and took four months to complete."
 * "More than 200 people were ultimately involved in the making of the game" <- This (along with the budget sentences following it) seems like a more general fact about the game itself, not just the filming sequence.
 * "studio, with actors coming" <- Split this. Period after "studio", delete "with", begin next sentence with "Actors would arrive at 7:00 a.m..." This way you can avoid saying "with" twice in the same sentence.
 * "starts to collapse" <- "begins to collapse"
 * You have quite a few anecdotes here that may not live up to WP:SUMMARY. They don't bother me, but be prepared during the FA nomination process if they object to a few of them.


 * Effects

Not many issues with this section
 * "sought" <- I assume they actually got them. Is there a more concrete word we can use here?
 * "was much more cooperative and faster process" -> "was a much more cooperative and faster process"?


 * Music

Runfellow (talk) 23:00, 13 December 2015 (UTC)
 * Split sentence after "sampled sounds".
 * "Themes" seem more like inspirations here.
 * There's a bit of awkward syntax here: When the composers are observing the game, trying to come up with their ideas, you write that they were "creating stingers as needed". Were they doing this as they watched the game, or later? The same goes for "creating an ambiance". One would think that would happen after they got their ideas while observing the game.
 * "For cinematic scenes, they watched tape of them after the scenes were shot" <- "They watched tape of the cinematic scenes"
 * "but the same concept regularly followed in the film industry." <- "though this process is common in the film industry."
 * "when the player is exploring the game, rather than during cinematic scenes," <- "as the player explores the game"
 * "when the game becomes the most intense" <- "as the game's intensity increases significantly"
 * "louder and louder" <- "louder"

Comments, Part 3 (Release, Reception, Legacy, and Sequel)
 * Release


 * Replace ", in both the Hollywood" with "in the film"
 * "It was originally announced" <- I assumed when I read this that you mean Sierra announcing, but then the next clause says "with Sierra announcing" so it's confusing. Making this into an active sentence might help clear this up.
 * "has been pushed" -> "had been pushed"
 * "In response to all the delays, Vince Broady, executive editor of the monthly publication Multimedia World, said Sierra may have been attempting to avoid mistakes from its release the previous year of Outpost, for which the company release[d] a large amount of advertisements and reviews, but then over-promoted and released before it was finished." <- Awkward syntax. There has to be a way to make this sentence more concise.
 * Overall, there doesn't seem to be a main idea to this paragraph. It's about the release, then the reasons for the delays (which probably should be in the previous paragraph), then it's about the system requirements, then the software price.
 * "one was being debated before the U.S. Senate at the time." <- "although the U.S. Senate was debating one at the time."
 * "But Sierra was among" <- Delete "But"
 * I'm not sure if I'd include the information about the filter here. Perhaps it would work better in the controversy section? Just something to think about.


 * Reception
 * Sales


 * The quote from InterAction just seems like marketing fluff, and can probably be omitted.
 * "By the end of December It remained" <- "it" doesn't need to be capitalized.
 * "and by January" <- Delete "and" and begin a new sentence here.
 * "and more than 1 million copies were sold" <- Another splice. Begin a new sentence with "More than..."


 * Reviews


 * "with Lee S. Isgur of Jefferies & Co., a global investment bank that followed the computer game industry, wrote" <- Syntax issue. Begin a new sentence with "Lee S. Isgur of..." and delete "with".
 * I'd be hesitant to use the word "declare", even when he does say it's the best of the year. It sounds like marketing stuff you hear in trailers, not in an encyclopedia article.
 * "experienced games," <- "experienced gamers"
 * You have a new paragraph here, but I'm not sure how the next paragraph is any different from the first.
 * "well-produced" <- "well produced"
 * delete "start to"
 * Okay, I'll be frank here: You have far too many review quotes here. Remember that we're trying to summarize here, not quote every review you can find online. Look for common trends in the criticism, both good and bad (there seem to be a good number) and point those out. It's okay to use a few quotes here and there (if they seem to be representative of the overall critical consensus) but every sentence can't begin with "Critic X said 'yadda yadda' and also 'yadda yadda'. Critic Y said 'yadda...'"
 * I noticed that you've used the year after movies in the article if there's another movie. I don't think that's necessary, but you can do it if you want remain consistent. That said, Cleopatra (1963) will need a year because there are at least nine other films with that title.
 * You might want to begin a new paragraph when you start talking about more modern reviews and retrospectives. In fact, this is the one area where you could use a few more reviews. How has the criticism evolved since the game was originally released? You've got a bit of that, but you could have a little more.


 * Awards


 * "Phantasmagoria the Golden Triad Award" <- Insert the word "won"
 * "which are among the most prestigious honors in software development" <- If your source doesn't say this, don't include it. Even if it does say it, I'd be hesitant.
 * You left italics on after Windows Magazine here. Should be an easy fix.


 * Controversy


 * "realistic" violence?
 * "religious organizations community action committees" <- need a comma in there somewhere
 * "in droves" <- Nebulous term. I'd delete it.
 * "there was talk" <- I need to know who talked about it. See WP:WEASEL
 * "began having her direct the game in person" <- Not sure what this means. Does it mean she managed the PR campaign for the game?
 * "In response to the backlash, Williams said she believed computer games were subject to harsher standards than films and television, which she said often have more violent content than Phantasmagoria, in part because computer games are often regarded as children's entertainment rather than for adults." <- That's a long sentence that just has to be split.
 * "the Phantasmagoria is "the good guy ... not going around shooting up people" <- How about add "the protagonist in" in between "the" and "Phantasmagoria"?
 * "expressed surprised" <- "expressed surprise"
 * "In April 1998, three years after the game was released, the Kentucky Teachers Retirement System came under criticism for owning 435,000 shares worth $9 million in Cendant, which by this point had purchased Sierra On-Line, due to the violence in the Phantasmagoria and other Sierra games." <- This sentence is all over the place. It's got to be divided up or clarified.
 * Replace "wasn't" with "was not"


 * Legacy


 * "another horror game again" <- delete "again"
 * "Hollywood techniques" <- replace "Hollywood" with "filmmaking". In fact you'll want to go through and replace all "Hollywood" references to either "film", "filmmaking", or something along those lines.


 * Sequel


 * You may want to use Template:Main instead of Template:See also here, but that's up to you.

Runfellow (talk) 03:08, 14 December 2015 (UTC)
 * General notes
 * You might want to be careful about adding extra clauses at the beginning of sentences to save room. You have many sentences that begin with one piece of information, and then move on to another. Sometimes they're related, sometimes not so much. I'd just be cautious of using this sentence structure so often.
 * I noticed you don't have many dates in the release section. It makes it a little difficult to get a clear timeline of production and development with no years to work with.
 * You mentioned that you'd like a copyedit of the article. I've pointed out a number of small and large things here (mostly run-on sentences), but I can assure you it's not a true copyedit. For that, you'll need to seek out WP:GOCE and submit a request. I highly recommend you do that before going for FA status. You'd be surprised the kinds of things they pick up.
 * I'm not a fan of inserting random media into articles to spice it up, but you might be able to find some things for reference in here. Perhaps something from Roberta Williams' inspirations, a specific work of Poe's she referenced, perhaps? I'm not sure, but again, don't add it if it's not relevant to the article (in other words, no random photos of developers, please).

Comments from JDC808
I'm going to begin looking at this. I also have a video game article up for Peer Review if you or anyone else who has commented here wouldn't mind to take a look: God of War: Ascension. -- JDC808  ♫  20:40, 3 February 2016 (UTC)

Lead


 * In the opening paragraph, you don't need to credit the voice actress here. If there was significant coverage on the voice actress doing this role and she received great reviews for it, then include that in the third or fourth paragraph.
 * Added "USD" after the first instance of a $ figure for clarity that it's talking about US money.

Gameplay
 * "The game was made when interactive movie games were at the peak of their popularity,[3][4] with the release of such popular computer games as Wing Commander III and Under a Killing Moon."
 * I don't think this belongs in this section. I would move this to either the Development section or the Release section.
 * "The mouse cursor is always an arrow, which is different from most earlier Sierra On-Line games in which the cursor could be changed into different functions (like walk, hand, and eye) by clicking the right mouse button."
 * I'm not too familiar with point-and-click games, but even with that, this sentence is a bit confusing. First, you tell us that the cursor is always an arrow in this game. That part of this sentence is okay and easily understood. However, you then tell us that this is different from Sierra's other games in which the cursor's functions can be changed. Here's the confusion, is it different because this game's cursor is always an arrow and the other games you can change that arrow into something else, or is it different because in this game, the functions are preset, where in the other games, you can change them into different commands?
 * "The user interface features on a screen surrounded by a stone border, with buttons and eight inventory slots along the bottom. "
 * I would generally copy-edit something minor like this, but maybe you were trying to say something else here. Did you mean "The user interface features a screen..."?
 * The remainder of that same paragraph, I feel like it gets too detailed of where everything is located. Is it really important for the reader to know that the "P" button is in the middle of the inventory sots or that the fast-forward button is located above the options button