Wikipedia:Peer review/Philip Smith (criminal)/archive1

Philip Smith (criminal)
This peer review discussion has been closed. This article concerns a spree killer convicted of three murders in and around Birmingham in 2001, and against who there was an overwhelming amount of evidence. I've listed it for peer review because I want to put it forward for GA and would like someone else to check it through before that. It's already quite comprehensive and covers the topic well and neutrally, but I'm interested to know what else it may need. Some of the references are from sources at HighBeam, so if you don't have access to that let me know and I'll be happy to email copies of the articles. Also, I'm waiting on a map and copy edit, so if anyone can help with those that would be much appreciated too. Thanks, Paul MacDermott (talk) 13:22, 25 June 2012 (UTC)

Comments
 * Check the details in the fair usage template for the mugshot... ("The image is used to illustrate to a reader the visage of Joanna Yeates, who was murdered in December 2010....")
 * "Smith, a former fairground worker who was employed at a pub in the city, killed " -> "A former fairground worker who was employed at a pub in the city, Smith killed .... " (just so you don't have two consecutive sentences starting with his name).
 * "overwhelming amount of evidence" just "overwhelming evidence" perhaps?
 * "before setting the remains on fire" wouldn't it have been her body rather than remains at this point?
 * Never sure, but isn't it "mother-of-two" in this case?
 * In the infobox, no reason to capitalise his second/third occupations.
 * "He left school at..." last person you mentioned was Smith's father so reiterate Smith here.
 * "As well as theft his ..." don't think you need "As well as theft" since you say "also"...
 * Could consider linking West Country dialects for those unaware of what a West Country accent means..
 * in the lead you link butane gas for "butane gas addict" but in the main article you link all of "butane gas addict", I'd be consistent (I know they link to different articles, but it's odd to have the identical phrase linked differently in my mind at least!)
 * "to identify her.[8][1] " would prefer refs in numerical order.
 * "said she didn't he said" avoid contractions.
 * Put (FSS) in parentheses after the first use of the expanded term.
 * "defense" - it's a BritEng article so this should be defence.
 * "West Midlands Police Chief Constable Sir Edward Crew" not sure you need to re-introduce him in this way since you did that in the previous section.
 * Is "murderpedia.org" really something appropriate for an external link?
 * Thank you very much for the comments. I'll work on these tomorrow, but for now I've corrected my rather careless error with the image. I appreciate your bringing it to my attention, as it's something I obviously overlooked in using the rationale of another image as a template for this one. Cheers Paul MacDermott (talk) 23:09, 1 July 2012 (UTC)


 * Comment
 * I'm doing the copy edit requested on the GOCE Requests page now. As to whether mother-of-two is hyphenated: I think it is when it's used adjectivally ("mother-of-two Jane Doe") but not when it's used nominally ("Jane Doe was a mother of two"). Actually, though, Rosemary Corcoran was a mother of three (corrected in the lead today). --Stfg (talk) 23:03, 2 July 2012 (UTC)
 * I must confess I've never been entirely sure when and when not to apply hyphens, so thanks for the advice on that. Also thank you for taking this on and correcting some of the stuff I've overlooked. Paul MacDermott (talk) 11:20, 3 July 2012 (UTC)
 * You're most welcome. It's an interesting, well-presented article. Hyphens are very difficult. The wikipedia article English compound is at least some help, I think. --Stfg (talk) 14:13, 3 July 2012 (UTC)