Wikipedia:Peer review/Pokémon FireRed and LeafGreen/archive1

Pokémon FireRed and LeafGreen

 * A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for July 2009.
 * A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for July 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because it has passed GA easily, and I would like to see if there are any other outlying concerns before taking this to FAC.

Thanks,  Artichoker [ talk ] 20:25, 23 July 2009 (UTC)
 * We definitely need more critical reviews for the Reception. A while back when Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver was at FAC, some editors expressed concern that there were too few reviews (particularly from print sources) and that the Reception section seemed biased as a result. They barely let it slide with seven reviews, and that was only because it's an older game that doesn't have as many reviews as more recent titles do. - sesu  PRIME  12:43, 25 July 2009 (UTC)
 * Agreed. Hopefully there are more reviews out there. I'll have to start looking.  Artichoker [ talk ] 17:24, 25 July 2009 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This generally reads well and is interesting and informative. I have a few suggestions, mostly related to the Manual of Style and to minor prose issues.


 * WP:MOS says, "Scrolling lists and boxes that toggle text display between hide and show are acceptable in infoboxes and navigation boxes, but should never be used in the article prose or references, because of issues with readability, accessibility, and printing." You should be able to fix this problem by making the box in the "Reception" section a fixed feature without the "hide" option.
 * I am reluctant to do this, as virtually every other video game FA (see a list at the bottom of WP:VG) uses the collapsible template. Furthermore, I'm not sure how to create one without the "hide" option.
 * Sometimes I'm unaware of guidelines within particular areas, so you are most likely right. Finetooth (talk) 23:24, 28 July 2009 (UTC)

Lead
 * "They were first released in Japan in January 2004... " - It would be good to make clear that "they" refers to FireRed and LeafGreen rather than to the 1996 originals. I wasn't quite certain about this until I read the "Development" section. Maybe the first sentence of the lead could be revised slightly to include "...of the original Pocket Monsters Red and Green video games of 1996... ".
 * Fixed.

Gameplay
 * "Players will be able to access a contextual "Help" feature allows them to look up data at almost any point in the game." - Missing word? Also, should this be "are able to" rather than "will be able to"?
 * Fixed.

Connectivity with other devices
 * "FireRed and LeafGreen, like its predecessors... " - "Their" rather than "its"? Or do the games come bundled so that Fire Red and Leaf Green is one thing rather than two? From the box art and other hints, I'm thinking that they are two separate games that are sold separately in separate boxes. No?
 * You are correct, it should be "their". Fixed.
 * "support linked communications via the Game Boy Advance Game Link Cable in which connected players may trade or battle" - "through which" rather than "in which"?
 * Fixed.
 * "In addition, when connected to FireRed or LeafGreen, owners of Ruby or Sapphire will receive a patch... " - "receive" rather than "will receive"? Most of the descriptions in the article use present tense, which seems correct since the games are happening now rather than in the future.
 * Fixed.
 * "In Box the player may organize and view his or her collected Pokémon... " - This reminded me that "his or her" is generally preferred to "his/her". I'd recommend changing all of them in the article to "his or her".
 * Fixed.
 * "Nintendo has set up "JoySpots" at retail locations for this very purpose." - Delete "very"?
 * Fixed.

Synopsis
 * "This is one distinct region of many in the Pokémon world, with different geographical habitats for the existing Pokémon species, along with human-populated towns and cities, and Routes connecting locations to one another." - "With" doesn't work well as a conjunction. Re-casting often produces something better. Suggestion: "This is one distinct region of many in the Pokémon world, which includes varied geographical habitats for the Pokémon species, human-populated towns and cities, and routes between locations."
 * I like your suggestion. Fixed.
 * "Some areas are only accessible once the player learns a special ability... " - "acquires" rather than "learns"?
 * Clarified that it is the Pokémon learning the ability rather than the player.
 * "Near the end of the plot, the protagonist will be able to venture... " - "is" rather than "will be"?
 * Fixed.
 * "After starting his/her journey and venturing alone into deep grass, a voice warns the player to stop." - The voice doesn't venture into deep grass. Suggestion: "After the player starts a journey and ventures alone into deep grass, a voice warns the player to stop."
 * Fixed.
 * "The rival will then challenge the player... " - "challenges" rather than "will challenge"? I'll stop pointing out these verb tenses, but I'd suggest looking for others and rendering them in present tense.
 * Fixed all instances.

Development
 * "however many people speculated that Nintendo was expecting less demand for the new games" - The source supports the idea of at least one person, but how do you know it was "many people"?
 * Clarified.
 * "The North American versions of FireRed and LeafGreen were first indirectly announced at DICE in 2004." - Should "DICE" be spelled out as well as abbreviated on first use?
 * It seems awkward to spell it out, and since it is only used one time in the article, I think linking to it is fine. That way the player can still easily identify what the acronym stands for if he or she wishes.
 * "Despite the original games being released as Red and Blue in that region... " - Slightly better would be "Although the original games were released as Red and Blue in that region... ".
 * Fixed.
 * "instead updated them by implementing additional sounds... " - "adding" rather than "implementing"?
 * Fixed
 * "Masuda noted this as choice on his part... " - Missing word?
 * I don't see what word the sentence is missing?
 * I thought it probably should be "a choice" rather than "choice". Finetooth (talk) 23:24, 28 July 2009 (UTC)
 * Wow, I don't know how I read over that. Thanks, and fixed.  Artichoker [ talk ] 23:28, 28 July 2009 (UTC)

References
 * Page ranges take en dashes rather than hyphens.
 * Fixed.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 21:07, 28 July 2009 (UTC)
 * Thanks for the helpful review!  Artichoker [ talk ] 23:17, 28 July 2009 (UTC)