Wikipedia:Peer review/Political Appointments System/archive1

Political Appointments System

 * A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for June 2008.
 * A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for June 2008.

This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I created the article, and am so far its only contributor. A third party's objective appraisal would be of great benefit.

Thanks, Ohconfucius (talk) 02:32, 18 June 2008 (UTC)

Brianboulton comments: At this stage I'm not going to give a line-by-line critique, but will draw your attention to a few basic things you need to do to this article.

Title: The article is apparently about a political appointments system in Hong Kong, not political appointment systems generally. The title needs to reflect this, and should be changed to Political Appointments System in Hong Kong – or something similar.

Explanations: The lead section needs to contain both a precise summary of exactly what this new appointments system entails, such as can be understood by someone who is unfamiliar with the Hong Kong government structure. At present the opening of the article is very confused. For example, between which two layers of the existing bureaucracy are the two new layers being inserted? Why is "political appointees" in quotes? Why are the new appointments deemed "non-civil service"? These are just some of the areas in the article where lack of clarity prevents understanding.

Prose: The overall standard of the prose is by no means bad, but needs some attention. Among the poorly-constructed sentences are the first in the article and, later on, "The government maintained that there was no legal or constitutional barrier to have foreign nationality". Also, casual expressions like "kicking off" need to be avoided in an encyclopedia article.

Hong Kong Dollars: The number of people who know the value of the Hong Kong $ is likely to be limited. You need to give an equivalence of value, say to the UD$, much earlier in the article than you do.

Name-forms: Some of the Romanised name formats are odd, e.g. "Dr Poon Kit, Kitty", and "Yau Shing-mu". The former includes a title, the latter is not a westernised format.

Manual of Style issues: You need to consult WP:MOS for information about date formatting and linking, also about showing small numbers in words, not numerals, and other requirements, e.g. non-break spaces, non-capitalisation of public appointment titles, etc.

In-text citations to web sources: these need to be properly formatted in accordance with the template.

I hope these suggestions will help you towards improving your article.

Brianboulton (talk) 16:56, 21 June 2008 (UTC)