Wikipedia:Peer review/Rae Wilson/archive1

Rae Wilson
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I would like an editor to help start the process of strict improvement. I would like to take it to FAC one day. I know these requests can take a while, so if you think you can help in any way, then please do. I think this article could benefit from a couple of peer reviews and copy edit requests. I think the more eyes and hands - the better the outcome will be.

Thanks,  Rain  the 1  03:58, 24 January 2012 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: Like most potential readers of this article, I have never seen any of the episodes in the series. That enables me to comment from an outsider's point of view. Several of my suggestions below stem from my ignorance of the storylines and my unfamiliarity with some of the jargon.

Lead
 * "who went on to play Jem Costello" - I think I would add here that Costello was another character in Hollyoaks.


 * "During series four of the post-watershed spin-off... " - I'm not sure what this means. I understand "spin-off", but what does "watershed" refer to?


 * "bemoaned the dearth of realism exhibited in Rae staying with Ste despite knowing him to be homosexual" - Slightly smoother might be "bemoaned the dearth of realism when Rae stayed with Ste despite his homosexuality". Or something like that.

Creation and casting
 * "It was later revealed that a new character, Rae, would join the serial as part of a "shock suicide plot" involving Newt, which would see the two characters jump off a bridge." - It would be helpful here, I think, to add background information about the series. I had no idea at this point in my first reading who Newt was or what turns and twists the plot might have taken before this episode. Should "Storylines" precede "Creation and casting" perhaps?


 * "She expressed her pride in Barlow's performance, as, "to introduce a character as somebody and then to completely change the character six weeks later, while still delivering the performances that Alice does, is a testament to a young actress." - This is a bit awkward. Maybe "Expressing pride in Barlow's performance, she said, "To introduce a character as somebody and then to completely change the character six weeks later, while still delivering the performances that Alice does, is a testament to a young actress."

Development
 * The Manual of Style deprecates fancy quotation marks and suggests using a blockquote for passages of four lines or more. The blockquote here is only 2.5 lines on my computer screen. I'd drop the fancy quotes for sure, and I'd probably drop the blockquote as well.


 * Rae was depicted as a goth with an "emo persona". - Since nothing inside a direct quotation should be linked, emo should not be linked here unless this is a scare quote. If it's a direct quotation, it should have an inline citation to the source. If it's a scare quote, I'd drop the quotation marks and just say, "Rae was depicted as a goth with an emo persona."

Relationships
 * Since "Rae" is part of the article title, rather than repeating "Rae" in the subheads, I'd use "With Ste and Brendan" and "With Ethan".


 * "She enjoyed portraying this dynamic, and assessed that Rae "always felt like she had the upper hand" as she knew the truth about Brendan's sexuality." - I'd use the more-or-less invisible "said" rather than the redundant "assessed".


 * "poured gunge over him in front of the entire village" - I assume this is slang for "ridiculed" or "scolded" or something like that, but I'm not sure. I don't suppose it means that they poured a liquid called "gunge" all over him.

Storylines
 * "She is disliked Eli (Marc Silcock), an alternate persona of Newt's caused by his schizophrenia." - Missing word, "by" between "disliked" and "Eli"?


 * "Rae is released without charge after Warren Fox (Jamie Lomas) tampers with the substance and it is found to be icing sugar." - What does "icing sugar" mean?
 * Oh, I suddenly see. It's powdered sugar. "Tampers" made me imagine that "icing sugar" was slang for "diluting cocaine", but that's not it at all. Finetooth (talk) 06:50, 9 February 2012 (UTC)


 * "They then humiliate Ethan with the truth and throw gunge over him infront of the locals." - Repetition?

Reception
 * "Rae charged in possession of icing sugar... " - Repetition?

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider commenting on any other article at WP:PR. I don't usually watch the PR archives or make follow-up comments. If my suggestions are unclear, please ping me on my talk page. Finetooth (talk) 19:31, 8 February 2012 (UTC)
 * Please make sure that the existing text includes no copyright violations, plagiarism, or close paraphrasing. For more information on this please see Wikipedia_Signpost/2009-04-13/Dispatches. (This is a general warning given in view of previous problems that have risen over copyvios.)
 * Thank you for taking the time to review. I shall make a start working through these points soon. Rain  the 1  20:29, 8 February 2012 (UTC)