Wikipedia:Peer review/Ray Emery/archive1

Ray Emery
Just passed GA-status, and the reviewer thought it was on its for FA status. I'd like some input on how the article could be improved even more. -- Клоун   14:49, 11 July 2007 (UTC)

Comments by LordHarris

 * The article looks good but just a few points. Firstly about its comprehensiveness - theres no information on his life outside of hockey. Im aware the article is about a hockey player but it is also a biography, is there no information available about his childhood, possible marriage, parents, school etc?
 * I found a source here that might have some insight (it's already used 6 times in the article). I'll write in a new section today or after my WikiBreak.
 * Theres no limit to number of times you can use a source so long as its not directly copied or not referenced. Biographical information though is a must for a biography article, even if its on a sports personality. LordHarris 14:21, 16 July 2007 (UTC)
 * ✅ that and I've fixed some links to move them from disambigs to the intended article. Evilclown93 13:50, 18 July 2007 (UTC)
 * Secondly I think the following sentance could also be rewritten as its a bit all over the place - "He was suspended for 3 games for a stick swinging attack on Michel Ouellet of the Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Penguins[8], and he had an ugly altercation with Denis Hamel of the Rochester Americans, after a racial slur was said. [8]" Perhaps this could be split into two sentances and the wording changed slightly?
 * The point of the sentence is to resume his Pre-NHL on-ice violence, because it is a big part of the lead.
 * ✅  Клоун   12:36, 13 July 2007 (UTC)
 * Finally think the following sentance also needs clarification: "Emery subsequently played for the Senators in the playoffs as well, losing to Buffalo in 5 games, but acquired his first playoff experience." - shouldnt it be acquiring and this could do with a reference. LordHarris 11:51, 13 July 2007 (UTC)
 * It should say first NHL playoff experience... but I don't think a ref is that needed there, as it is mentioned further article (a check of the statistics "says it all".
 * ✅  Клоун   12:36, 13 July 2007 (UTC)

Comments by Z1720

 * This article has really improved from the last time I reviewed it. However, it is not up to FA status yet. First, I am confused by these two sentences: "He started playing hockey relatively late, at 17" (found in the lead) and "He originally played defence, but switched to goaltender at nine years old due to a shortage of players in his league" How can he switch positions at nine-years old when he did not start playing until he was 17? This needs to be varified


 * Secondly, what style of goaltender is Emery? Is he stand-up, butterfly, etc.


 * Lastly, these sentences should be re-written, as it is choppy and does not flow: "He has numerous tattoos. They include the initials of his parents, Charlene and Paul, and younger brothers Andrew and Nicholas. He has an African symbol for the number one, his jersey number with the Senators, and his nickname "Razor" written across his chest. He also has a tattoo representing his birth symbol, Libra." Perhaps you can combine the first two sentences, and add a connecting word to the sentence about the African symbol, like "also" or "in addition" Z1720 05:12, 19 July 2007 (UTC)