Wikipedia:Peer review/Return of Saturn/archive2

Return of Saturn
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because along with The Singles 1992–2003 I am attempting to push it to FA status to maintain the No Doubt albums topic as an FT.
 * Previous peer review

Thanks, Tezero (talk) 20:41, 13 July 2010 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This is interesting and broad in coverage. I'm not sure whether it is comprehensive or not because I know nothing about this band except what the article tells me. Seven dead urls in the citations will need attention, and I have several other suggestions for improvement, mostly related to prose and Manual of Style issues.

Background
 * "Having toured extensively for two and a half years since the release of Tragic Kingdom, they... " - Since "they" refers to "band" in the previous sentence, would "band members" be better than "they"? The answer depends on whether you think of "band" as singular or plural. "Band" in U.S. English is, I think, singular, and "it" rather than "they" might sound a bit odd.


 * "When scheduling conflicts arose with Beinhorn,[8] the band interviewed several producers and decided on Glen Ballard, who had produced Alanis Morissette's Jagged Little Pill (1995), because of pressure from manager Jimmy Iovine[9] and Ballard's belief in not using heavy production techniques." - A bit too complicated in structure. Suggestion: "When scheduling conflicts arose with Beinhorn,[8] the band members interviewed several producers. They chose Glen Ballard, who had produced Alanis Morissette's Jagged Little Pill (1995), because of pressure from manager Jimmy Iovine[9] and Ballard's preference for avoiding heavy production techniques." Or something like that.


 * "The band was split when singer Gwen Stefani offered to do... " - When I first read this sentence, I thought for a moment that the band had split up over this issue. To avoid this misunderstanding, perhaps "However, when lead singer Gwen Stefani offered to write more songs, drummer Andrew Young... "?


 * "Lead singer Gwen Stefani was confused by her feelings of depression and interest... " - Tighten to "Stefani was confused by her feelings of depression and interest... " since Stefani has already been fully identified? Unlink Stefani here since she is already linked in this section?

Composition
 * "was rewritten and includes rapped vocals over piano and flamenco guitar parts." - Tighten by deleting "parts"? Or at least move "parts" to earlier in the sentence to avoid the fleeting notion of a smashed flamenco guitar; i.e., "rapped vocals over parts for piano and flamenco guitar"?


 * "It was described as a combination of the band's 2 Tone roots with the operatic slapstick of Gilbert and Sullivan." - It might be helpful to include a brief explanation of "2 Tone" for outsiders like me. I clicked through to see what it meant, but it might be better to keep readers focused on the article rather than having to navigate away to understand the sentence. I don't think most readers will have a similar problem with "operatic slapstick of Gilbert and Sullivan" because "operatic slapstick" is a kind of embedded explanation.


 * ""New" was written while the band was touring about the excitement of meeting Rossdale and her infatuation with him." - "Touring about the excitement" isn't quite right. Suggestion: "While the band was touring, Stefani wrote "New", which focused on the excitement of meeting Rossdale and her infatuation with him.

Other
 * The tools in the toolbox at the top of this review page find seven dead urls in the citations and one link that goes to a disambiguation page instead of the intended target. Perhaps the Internet Archive search engine would be helpful in restoring the dead urls.


 * Could anything be added about the album cover? How was it chosen? Who created it? What do its elements represent? How is it connected to the lyrics, the band's history, or the music? Maybe no reliable sources discuss these things, but if they do, the material would be interesting to read and would help satisfy the "comprehensive" requirement for FAs.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog at WP:PR. That is where I found this one. I don't generally check corrections after my reviews because it's too time-consuming. Please ping me on my talk page if my comments are unclear or if questions arise.