Wikipedia:Peer review/Ricardo Arjona/archive1

Ricardo Arjona
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because it was copyedited, reached GA status, and want it peer reviewed before going ahed with FA.

Thanks, — Hahc 21  06:47, 8 July 2012 (UTC)

Comments:


 * "interracial racism" seems redundant. Can't it be just "racism"?


 * "He lived most of his childhood and began his musical instruction in Guatemala City": This may read a bit better as: "He spent most of his childhood in Guatemala City, where he began his musical instruction."


 * "Although he initially enrolled in architecture and engineering, he graduated with a degree from the School of Communication Sciences at the Universidad de San Carlos de Guatemala (USAC).": Enrolled where? And what was his degree in? Communications?


 * In the career section, I recommend putting the year ranges after the section subheadings, i.e. "Beginnings and early breakthrough (1980s)" and so forth. I think it reads a little easier this way.


 * "stereotypical Latin-lover" should be "stereotypical Latin lover" unless we're saying he loved Latin.


 * "received moderate critical success, with Allmusic awarding it 3 stars out of five": I recommend saying "praise from critics" instead of "critical success". It's slightly easier to parse. Also, I recommend rephrasing the last part (or putting it in a new sentence) per WP:PLUSING.


 * "At age 24, Arjona reversed himself": "reversed himself" is awkward here. How about "reversed course"?


 * "on the OTI Festival": "in" instead of "on" I think is better.


 * "commercial and critical success over Latin America": "across", not "over"


 * "Arjona started the new decade known throughout Latin America.": This is worded somewhat ambiguously. Readers may expect the sentence to continue "known throughout Latin America as a competent singer" or something of that nature. Thus I'd recommend rephrasing it to say something like, "By the 1990s, Arjona was popular throughout Latin America."


 * "After joining Sony Music in 1990 he released Del Otro Lado del Sol,[7] one of his least successful.": Least successful what? Albums?


 * "carried him to fame/": Should be a period here, not a slash.


 * "Alcanzar Una Estrella, showcased": No comma needed.


 * "The album contained the hit singles "Mujeres" (#6 on Latin Songs) and "Primera Vez" (#6 on Latin Songs)[19] and received thirteen platinum and one diamond certifications.": this presumably refers to Animal Nocturno, but the sentence before it is about a telenovela. I don't get how these things are related.


 * "Terry Jenkins Allmusic review awarded the album 4 stars stating": I think we need a comma after "stars" here; the same is the case for other descriptions of reviews. I would also recommend saying "writing that" instead of "stating", since these aren't really statements and "writing" is a little more precise.


 * "before starting, "he had more friends."": Is he really referring to himself in the third person here?


 * "Approximately, two million people": No comma needed.


 * Advise making this into a new sentence: "with a positive Birchmeier review, who commented that" and rephrasing as "Birchmeier gave it a positive review, commenting that". Then a new sentence here: "It reached double Platinum in Argentina[21] and the United States,[28] and Platinum in Mexico."


 * "Iñigo Zabala, chairman of Warner Music Latin America commented.": This period shouldn't be there. It needs a comma after "America" too. And I'd recommend "said" instead of "commented" (conciseness)


 * "He moved approximately 200,000 copies in the first month at retail and went Platinum in Mexico": I think we need to say "He moved approximately 200,000 copies of the album" here since the previous sentence is about singles. And I recommend saying "retail, and it went Platinum" (grammar)


 * "The album received critical positive response." --> "positive critical response"


 * "past few, [...], ": There are two commas here, and no brackets are needed around the ellipsis, I think.


 * "culminates with "Cómo Duele",": Single quotes around Cómo Duele (quote within a quote)


 * "The album marked a change in Arjona's sound, which himself called a "stripped-down version" of his music": "he", not "himself"


 * "yet considering it "impressive"": "considered", not "considering"


 * "recently dead" --> "recently deceased"


 * "auto-biographical" --> "autobiographical"


 * In the quote box, the introductory "In a discussion regarding theme of "Puente", Arjona commented:" is unnecessary. This should be included after the attribution at the end. Also, we don't need quotation marks in the quote box.


 * "Although many believe is a treshed topic": Not sure what this means.


 * "occasionated"?


 * "It became his fourth number-one set on Top Latin Albums when it debuted atop the chart": Remove "set" and "atop the chart" (redundant)


 * "As of February 2012, the song reached the top 20 on Latin Songs, and #1 on the Latin Pop Songs": Can we have a more up-to-date description?


 * "United States, [...], but": Two commas.


 * "Arjona toured Guatemala as part of world tour": "part of a world tour"?


 * "The two concerts he presented in the Mateo Flores stadium were both sellouts": "two" and "both" are redundant. Recommend removing "both"


 * "and then showing it to his mother" --> "and then shows it to his mother"


 * "As of 16 April 2012, the Metamorfosis World Tour had reached more than 400,000 fans, from which about 160,000 were just from his Buenos Aires tour dates on April 12–15": Can we have an update? Also, "of which" instead of "from which" and remove "just".


 * "Mainly, he sings without the help of featured or additional singers" --> "He usually sings without the help of featured or additional singers"


 * "Arjona showed the confidence to take risks to keep his music" --> "Arjona took risks to keep his music" (concise)


 * "In contrast to the ballad-laden Déjame Decir Que Te Amo, on the latter two albums Arjona experimented with a range of pop/rock styles.": What latter two albums? The two following albums?


 * Generally it looks ok. I'd say it's comprehensive and well-sourced. The main area for improvement is language, as discussed above. Best luck with this.--Batard0 (talk) 11:03, 23 July 2012 (UTC)