Wikipedia:Peer review/Richie McCaw/archive1

Richie McCaw
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I think it is very close to good article quality and is possibly not that far from featured article. I have read it too many times now and it needs a fresh pair of eyes.

Thanks, AIR corn (talk) 11:41, 8 December 2010 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: I've never played rugby or watched a complete game, and I come to this review with outsider eyes. The article is certainly broad in coverage. On the other hand, the lead's a bit too skimpy, and some of the jargon eludes me, as noted below. In addition, your lead image is marked for deletion and should be replaced with something else. Here are additional comments, mostly about Manual of Style issues.

Lead


 * The lead should be an inviting summary of the whole article. My rule of thumb is to try to at least mention the main topic of each text section somewhere in the lead. The existing lead says nothing about the "Concussions" section, for example, and says little or nothing about his early years, international debut, personal life, and so on. I think you could easily expand the lead to two or three paragraphs. WP:LEAD has further advice.


 * "a record-equaling 94 tests" - Link "test" to Test match (rugby union) for readers unfamiliar with rugby?


 * "is now the most capped All Black captain" - Briefly explain or link "capped" on first use? What does it mean?


 * "the joint highest paid player" - Why "joint" highest paid player? Does the meaning differ from "the highest paid player"?
 * Extended lead and wikilinked or reworded as suggested

Early years
 * "played in the school's first fifteen" - Should "first fifteen" be briefly explained? Does it mean the regular starting players for the rugby team?
 * There are 15 players on a rugby team and in schoolboy rugby the "first fifteen" is the top school team followed by second fifteen then third fifteen etc. Will reword


 * "That year he only got two starts off the bench... " - The phrase "starts off the bench" might need something more to clarify the jargon for non-fans. I think it means something like, "... only played twice, both times as a substitute".
 * Correct. I will use your wording

International debut
 * "with an injury time try to number eight" - I have no idea what this means.
 * Injury time is when a ref adds a few more minutes to the game after it has finished to account for any time lost due to injuries. "Number eight" is a rugby position. I will reword and wikilink number eight.

Build-up to 2003 World Cup
 * "McCaw was rested, along with 20 other members of the Tri Nations squad, from the 2002 end-of-year tour to the Europe." - I'm not sure sure what "to the Europe" means? Are some words missing?
 * "the" shouldn't be there. The tour was to Europe (England, Wales and France).

2003 World Cup
 * "McCaw was selected in the 2003 All Blacks World Cup squad" - "Selected in" sounds odd. Maybe "selected for"?
 * Will change


 * "New Zealand defeated South Africa in the quarter-finals 29–9,[32] in the second meeting between the two sides in a World Cup, the first being the Rugby World Cup Final in 1995, which the South African team won 15–12." - Too complex. I'd consider breaking this into two sentences: "New Zealand defeated South Africa in the quarter-finals 29–9,[32] in the second meeting between the two sides in a World Cup. The first had occurred in the 1995 Rugby World Cup Final, which the South Africans won 15–12."
 * Yep. I might even remove the second part as it is not really important to McCaw as he wasn't even playing then.

Concussions
 * "His successor (and still current All Black coach)" - Here and in the lead and elsewhere, the word "current" poses problems for the future. As time passes, things described as "current" will no longer be current. It's usually better to specify a time or to find a work-around. Maybe something like "His successor (and All Black coach through 2010)" might work. Alternatively, you could simply delete "and still current All Black coach)" entirely.
 * Good point. I will change or delete where appropriate


 * I think I'd add nbsps (no-break codes) to Tri Nations to keep it from being split awkwardly by line-break on computer screens. I didn't think of this until one in this section was split on my screen. Different screens split in different places, and the no-break codes solve the problem for all screens. WP:NBSP has details.
 * Will do.

Captaincy
 * "or the one off test against Argentina" - Link or briefly explain "one-off test"?
 * Will change to "a single"

2007 World Cup
 * "they were once again accused of choking on the world's biggest stage" - I'd substitute something literal for the "choking on stage" metaphor. Maybe something like "once again accused of weak play in the most important game"? Or something like that?
 * I might put it in quotation marks instead. "Choking" has become a bit of catchphrase among the media (in New Zealand and internationally) for the All Blacks performances during during world cups.

Redemption
 * I'd move File:Richie McCaw in London, November 2008.jpg to the left so that he looks into the page rather than out per MOS:IMAGES.
 * Makes sense


 * To remain neutral, the article should probably not say "an impressive 34–19 victory" but just "a 34-19 victory". Likewise "Another thrilling 24–28 victory" would be more neutral as "Another 24–28 victory".
 * I will tone down the scores a bit more.

Personal life
 * "He is also raising money for a young Samoan from a village destroyed in the 2009 Tsunami, who broke his neck while playing rugby." - It's better to put the modifying clause right after the thing modified. Suggestion: "He is also raising money for a young Samoan who broke his neck playing rugby and whose village was destroyed in the 2009 Tsunami".
 * Good change


 * "This high-paying contract with the New Zealand Rugby Union is not subject to form or fitness" - I have no idea what "not subject to form and fitness" means.
 * Someone else added this. It basically means that if he gets injured or starts playing badly he will still be paid the full amount. Will reword

References
 * The dates should not include the day of the week.
 * All of the citations to on-line sources should include the date of most recent access. You can add the |accessdate = parameter to the "cite" templates and add the date there.
 * The date formatting in the citations can follow the same format as the main text (31 December 1980) or can be formatted like this: 1980-12-31. In either case, the date formatting should be consistent throughout the reference section.
 * I will work through these.

Image licenses
 * The lead image is marked for deletion and should be replaced with something else. The other image licenses look fine to me.
 * A discussion is in progress and I will await the outcome. Unfortunately I don't think there are any other free images available. I wish I had taken my camera to the last game I watched, will have to wait awhile before they start playing again.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog at WP:PR; that is where I found this one. I don't usually watch the PR archives or check corrections or changes. If my comments are unclear, please ping me on my talk page. Finetooth (talk) 22:16, 20 December 2010 (UTC)
 * Thanks, I will work my way through your suggestions. AIR corn (talk) 23:39, 20 December 2010 (UTC)