Wikipedia:Peer review/Rise of Nations/archive1

Rise of Nations
I'd like to help bring this article to Featured/Good staus, but I don't know exactly what to do, as I'm fairly new to this part of Wikipedia. I'd like comments on how to improve the article, what should be added, deleted, ect. Thank you, in advance, for your comments. | A ndonic O Talk 11:53, 9 December 2006 (UTC)
 * This article is a mess. I'll try to give you some ideas, but there's only so much I can do. Firstly, the lead:
 * The second sentence is pure, unsalvageable original research. Cut it.


 * Third sentence should be rewritten to something like "The game utilizes concepts borrowed from turn-based strategy games, including territory, attrition, economics." Unless, of course, the statement in need of citation has not been made by the game's developers, in which case you're going to need to be creative.


 * The fourth sentence is clumsy and overblown. Try "Rise of Nations features eighteen civilizations, playable through [insert number of ages here] ages of world history."


 * The second paragraph's first sentence should be moved into the first paragraph, and placed directly after the article's opening sentence. Also, rewrite it to something like "The game was lead designed by Brian Reynolds."


 * The second paragraph's second sentence should be more like "On April 28, 2004, Rise of Nations received an expansion pack, Rise of Nations: Thrones and Patriots.


 * The second paragraph's third sentence would be better as "Later in 2004, a Gold edition of Rise of Nations was released, which included both the original, and the expansion."


 * The second paragraph's fourth sentence should be cut entirely.


 * Expand the lead to include discussion of the game's critical and commercial reception.


 * If you found that excessive, then I feel the need to warn you that the lead is the best part of the article. The rest is so horrible that I can only offer general help. For example:


 * Almost the entire article is written in a crufty, game guide-y fashion, in addition to being a review in some places (see Rise of Nations), with original research everywhere. Also, it is badly written, with a seemingly endless supply of redundancies, ambiguous statements, poor grammar and punctuation, and contractions. These things necessitate a complete rewrite of the article. One thing you should take care of right away is the italicization of every instance of the game's title, or any other games' titles.


 * Overview, Gameplay and Units should be merged, entirely rewritten and heavily condensed. As previously stated, the article reads like a game guide. For ideas on how to write a better Gameplay section, see Empires: Dawn of the Modern World.


 * Awards and Reviews should be merged into a prose-based section titled "Reception". Again, see Empires: Dawn of the Modern World for ideas.


 * Finally, and most importantly, the article has no references. An article for a game of this acclaim could probably manage fifty references before they became excessive. See other computer and video game featured articles for ideas on what to cite.


 * Aside from these, I can only recommend that you find wikipedians interested in collaborating on this project, because this article is, to put it bluntly, really, really bad right now. JimmyBlackwing 16:05, 10 December 2006 (UTC)


 * Please see automated peer review suggestions here. Thanks, AZ t 21:35, 10 December 2006 (UTC)


 * This article should also talk about the development. To quote JimmyBlackwing "see Empires: Dawn of the Modern World for ideas." Jay32183 19:14, 11 December 2006 (UTC)