Wikipedia:Peer review/Robert Cade/archive1

Robert Cade
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I would like to upgrade it to Good Article status.

Thanks, Dirtlawyer1 (talk) 18:26, 26 February 2010 (UTC)

Brianboulton comments: An interesting corner of sporting history. Specific points:-


 * Sodium citrate links to a disambiguation page.
 * Unfortunately, none of the contemporary newspaper accounts specify which form of sodium citrate was used. Perhaps that's part of the secret formula.  LOL  Dirtlawyer1 (talk) 03:10, 26 March 2010 (UTC)


 * The lead needs to be extended, per WP:LEAD, to form a summary of the whole article, rather than a brief couple of introductory sentences.


 * Early life:


 * "While in high school, Cade ran the mile in 4:20." This bald fact needs some context. At present I've no idea why this is included. If the point is to establish Cade's early interest in athletics you should say so, and perhaps follow up with further information, if available. In any event, "4.20" needs to be explained; not everyone will be aware that this means 4 minutes 20 seconds.
 * I have added context regarding his early interest in athletics, as well as a footnote reference to Roger Bannister's 4-minute mile in 1956. A 4:20 mile is still a damn fine time for a high school runner, and would have been even more so in the early 1940s.  Dirtlawyer1 (talk) 03:10, 26 March 2010 (UTC)


 * "While in college, he joined Delta Upsilon fraternity." Is this relevant information?
 * In an American university context, it is. Very often, American undergraduates eat, sleep, study and socialize within their fraternity, and the fraternities even sponsor intramural athletic leagues.  Bit like the Oxford and Cambridge colleges, but with more liquor and without the supervising dons.  Dirtlawyer1 (talk) 03:10, 26 March 2010 (UTC)


 * alma mater requires a link (it's not a quality article but it's better than nothing).
 * ✅ "Alma mater" is now wiki linked. Dirtlawyer1 (talk) 03:10, 26 March 2010 (UTC)


 * Invention of Gatorade
 * At the start of the section it is not necessary to repeat that Cade was a faculty member of the University of Florida College of Medicine - we've just been told that - but a year would be useful. Thus: "In 19xx Cade was approached by Dewayne Douglas..." etc
 * ✅ Repetitive redundancy deleted and removed. Dirtlawyer1 (talk) 03:10, 26 March 2010 (UTC)


 * "During 1965 and 1966, Cade, together with his team of research doctors Dana Shires, James Free, and Alejandro M. de Quesada, conducted a series of trial-and-error experiments with his glucose-and-electrolytes rehydration drink..."  Hang on, we don't know about "his glucose-and-electrolytes  rehydration drink" yet. You need to say before this that Cade and his research team had developed the drink.


 * Anyway, this sentence gets impossibly long and convoluted. It needs to be split - and the mention of "Ray Graves" seems superfluous.
 * ✅ Sentence split and re-written.  Regarding Coach Graves, he was actually a significant part of the story, as he allowed the doctors to experiment on his players, and when he saw the value of it, immediately began to use it in competition.  I am expanding this section to discuss more of it.


 * Did the player who "spat it out" actually use the term "bodily waste"? Just curious (the correct term is probably "body waste").
 * Just double-checked my American Heritage English Dictionary, "bodily" is a legitimate adjective on this side of the Pond. The only context in which I have ever heard it used, however, is in the term "bodily waste," which is a polite American way of referring to the products of defecation and urination.  In answer to your question, I believe the football player in question actually said that the experimental formula "tasted like piss," but the newspaper accounts were a little vague on this point.  Dirtlawyer1 (talk) 03:10, 26 March 2010 (UTC)


 * Legacy


 * It is not WP policy to name offspring of subjects unless the offspring are themselves notable, which is not the case here.
 * Mention of his "eccentric" collection of violins (why eccentric?) and his Studebaker collection might be thought to be trivia.
 * Trivia? Perhaps, but we are dealing with an eccentric professor/inventor, so it does provide some insight into his personality, together with his maintenance of the same home after he made his millions.  I have, however, deleted the word "eccentric" at your suggestion.  Sounds like an editorial comment, now that you've pointed it out.  Dirtlawyer1 (talk) 03:10, 26 March 2010 (UTC)


 * References: On-line sources need an access date in each case.
 * ✅ Retrieval dates now included for all on-line references.  Dirtlawyer1 (talk) 03:10, 26 March 2010 (UTC)


 * "Bibliography" means a list of books. This list looks like a partial list of sources, with no rationale as to why these, and not the other sources, are included. The one book in the list does not appear to be cited in the article.
 * ✅ All non-books deleted per your suggestion.  Dirtlawyer1 (talk) 03:10, 26 March 2010 (UTC)


 * I am not watching my reviews at the moment (too many), so if you want to raise anything with me, please use my talkpage. Brianboulton (talk) 22:19, 4 March 2010 (UTC)
 * Thanks for taking time to make these comments and suggestions, Brian. I will continue to re-work the article based on your thoughts.  Dirtlawyer1 (talk) 03:10, 26 March 2010 (UTC)