Wikipedia:Peer review/Ron Hextall/archive2

Ron Hextall
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because having had the article promoted to good article status, I am looking to take it onto featured. I have lsted below some outstanding comments from User:Sarastro1, who also suggested another peer review to clean up any remaining issues before taking it to FAC. Comments are particularly invited on the amount of jargon and the playing style section.
 * Previous peer review

Thanks,  Harrias  talk 11:30, 3 September 2011 (UTC)


 * Outstanding comments from User:Sarastro1 copied from talk page


 * Lead
 * "Despite the Flyers' loss to the Edmonton Oilers in seven games...": My ignorance of North American sport rears its ugly head here, but does this mean they lost seven games or was it a seven game "series" (for want of a better word!)?
 * It was a best of seven series: so first to four wins. Presumably this needs clarifying: would a note suffice, or should I try and write it inline (so to speak)?  Harrias  talk 18:18, 24 August 2011 (UTC)
 * I always prefer a good note! --Sarastro1 (talk) 21:01, 24 August 2011 (UTC)


 * Junior hockey
 * It may be useful to give a brief suggestion as to the level of the leagues he played in; i.e. how many rungs down the ladder?
 * Things don't tend to be quite so clear cut in this regard; I'll see if I can find anything quantifying them, but it might be difficult.


 * "Flyer's scout Jerry Melnyk said he could understand why many teams did not rate Hextall: "There were teams who thought he was loony."" I'm not sure this adds much and may be better cut.
 * "Hextall set a record for the most penalty minutes accumulated by a goaltender, being assessed for 117 minutes during the regular season.": Jargony? I'm not sure of the significance here and it should be spelt out.


 * First three seasons
 * "...Hextall was invited to the Flyers' training camp as a long-shot...": I don't like this too much as it is a little too sporting-journalese, but I don't know a better way to put it without sounding too pompous.
 * "conceded a goal from the first shot he faced in the game, but allowed no further shots past him": Repetition of shots; again my hockey-knowledge does not suggest a better word.
 * Would "no further goals past him" work do you think? I'm not sure if it really means the same thing.  Harrias  talk 18:18, 24 August 2011 (UTC)


 * Any retribution (official or otherwise) from swinging his stick?
 * "Speaking on behalf of the NHL, Brian O'Neill said that: "There is no justification for any player to swing his stick in retaliation and this is especially the case for a goaltender whose stick, because of its weight, can cause serious injury."": Again, I'm not sure this is necessary as the point is already made.


 * Quebec Nordiques
 * "During the ten days between the trades being made and the arbitrator's ruling, there was a lot of speculation about which Flyers' and Rangers' players were involved in the potential trades.": Is this necessary as it disrupts the flow slightly. Possibly modify the next sentence to say :"Hextall was unhappy to be among players suggested as a potential trade."


 * New York Islanders
 * "Steve Thomas suggested that Hextall was "one of the best goalies in the league, easily in the top five or 10," while coach Al Arbour dismissed dropping Hextall, saying that "We're not playing well in front of the goaltender and he can only be as good as the guys in front of him."": Again, a little too much in my view, but not a big deal if it stays.


 * Return to Philadelphia
 * "We Want Hex-tall": Why is it hyphenated?
 * Presumably to show the manner in which it was chanted: I was a bit dubious about the inclusion of this quote at all to be honest.  Harrias  talk 21:26, 24 August 2011 (UTC)


 * Playing style
 * This section is slightly messy and I would suggest a little reorganisation; what about a paragraph on his goaltending (there is not much about he actual ability to stop shots) and unusual style, then about his aggression, then the judgements that he was a bit of a psycho. Some overall career judgements would be quite good too, placing him somewhere in the grand scheme of things, and maybe something on his legacy if it exists.
 * Ouch. First paragraph is a bit of a mess. There are a few typos, but more to the point it is quite ponderous. It is hard to follow the descriptions of play which are rather laboured and do not really make it clear what is going on. I would imagine that a rough paraphrase of this paragraph would be: "Other goaltenders could not play the puck well technically and possessed a crude technique. Hextall, in contrast, played more like a defenseman and was technically skilled with the stick. Consequently, opposing teams could not pursue their usual methods of hitting the puck into their offensive zone as Hextall was able to return possession to his team." Maybe something like this, with the examples and descriptions removed would be more effective?
 * "...continued to move the puck" Is there a better way of saying this? Pass? There must be a technical term that sounds more elegant!
 * I've reworked the "soft goals" part, but I'm not sure it still reflects the source as I've said the tendency lasted through his career.
 * "Martin Brodeur modelled his own play on that of Hextall, saying "I love the fact that he was playing the puck. He was one of the first goalies that came out and played the puck. He was a little rough for my liking, but it was entertaining. The playing of the puck was the big thing."": Is this necessary? I think the point is already made.
 * "when killing a penalty they would frequently pass the puck back to him, relieving some of the pressure on his team": jargon. What is killing a penalty? And could it be expanded how this relieved pressure? Again, I imagine a paraphrase would be: "the team were able to use him as an outlet as defencemen could relieve pressure by passing the puck back to him".


 * Post-retirement
 * "In addition, Hextall also serves..." WP:DATED.
 * Could this section be combined with personal life to bulk them out a little.


 * Is the records section a little too much like trivia? I would suggest incorporating it in the main text.

Comments from PKT
I can't give the article a thorough read-through, but I will point out the following:
 * in the section "Junior Hockey": "His team was regarded as a poor one at the time by critics," is an opinion that needs a citation, otherwise it shouldn't be there.
 * in the section "Professional Hockey": "Hextall was now playing at a higher level than at WHL and made his debut in professional hockey." - sentence doesn't quite flow.
 * in the "First three seasons" subsection: "Against the Penguins in the Patrick Division Final, Hextall's performances were mixed.." - I would prefer switching the phrases; meaning start with "Hextall" and not with "Against" (I hope this makes sense!).

That's all I've got for the moment.  PK T (alk)  23:34, 12 September 2011 (UTC)